Loving Woman Needed

A loving woman's help is desperately needed here. My drinking buddy Raul has been struggling, for some considerable time, to find a good woman to share his life with. In fact he's been struggling to find any kind of woman to share any part of his life with. This is a constant source of concern to both Merl and me.

Merl's latest idea is for Raul to employ the services of a high class hooker but Raul has flatly rejected this suggestion which is probably just as well because we're unable to furnish him with the necessary details to bring such a scheme to fruition.

I can't understand why Raul is having problems anyway. He's been on a plastering course so he can fix ceilings, has ballroom dancing medals so he can dance on ballrooms and is now attending salsa classes every Tuesday or Wednesday evening. He knows all about computers and networks because he's got a first class honors degree in them so he can build a mean website, fix a virus infection or set up a wireless network no problem whatsoever. He's brilliant with a soldering iron if a vibrator should cut out in mid session. He's got two successfully paired up brothers so there's nothing wrong with his personal stock, drives one of those 4X4 monsters and is director of a local company. Oh yes and he's six foot something, in his early 40's, has a personal fitness trainer, owns two houses, one in town one in the country and flies helicopters in his spare time.

What he hasn't managed to do is find a woman and it's started to get him down. That means it's started to get me and Merl down too. What I'm trying to say is that if there's anyone female out there who wants a piece of Raul or can help him in his search for a good, bad or downright evil woman, please leave a comment or email me and I'll pass your message straight on to him. I suspect that next time I see him he'll penguin slap me.

Disagreeable Domestic Duty

Look at these ladies of yesteryear cheerfully doing their weekly "duties".

I found this information in a local handbook that was published when I was eleven years old back in the middle of the 1950's and it has come as a shock. Hell this was just yesterday, this was when Bill Haley was recording Rock Around The Clock and less than five years before Kennedy was elected President. Yes I know - you weren't even born then.

"The Public Wash-house is a place where the housewife can cheerfully carry out a domestic duty which has generally been regarded as a most disagreeable task.
You are invited to visit the Public Wash-house and see how pleasant a modern washing day can be with up-to-date washing machinery, drying and ironing facilities and ideal conditions which make it possible to do the family wash for five persons within three hours at a cost of a few cents.
The Wash-house is open daily 9 a.m. until 6 p.m., 9 a.m. until 1 p.m. on Saturdays."

For those brave souls who struggled on at home, there was a word of warning,

"Do not fix wringing machines to sinks or baths as this causes damage. Washing lines should not be left suspended between the posts as rain is likely to tauten them and damage the posts."

It's like reading something from 100 years ago not 50. I'm not sure that I'll ever recover. Added to which my nose has started to drip, I've got a sore throat and I'm feeling cold all the time. Tomorrow those cheerful ladies in the Public Wash-house are going to have to manage on their own.

Urinal Watch

Heat sensitive ads have been placed in New Zealand pub urinals which will speak when peed on.

These ads say, "If you drink then don't drive you're a bloody legend" (with a picture of a taxi) or: "If you drink then drive you're a bloody idiot" (with a picture of a wrecked car. The advertisements sign off with, "Which car will you piss off in tonight?"

I know which car I'll piss on when I find it.

Sofitel NZ

New Zealand seems like a very long way to go just for a pee but they do seem to know how to come up with an attractive washroom.

This one is on the third floor of the Sofitel hotel in Queenstown, New Zealand. The girls keeping an eye on customers with binoculars, tape measures and cameras, are all local models, photographed by Sheena Haywood. Nice job Sheena.

WC with fake fly

Junebugg suggested this urinal with a fake fly for guys who need something to aim at.

And now for something in really poor taste

Holy urinals Batman!!
Don't let it pray on your mind Robin.

And now for a Rugby report

Featherstone Prison 42pts
Stafford 4ths 10pts.
The opening half of the match was a fast and frantic display from both teams, with Stafford scoring two tries.
Unfortunately the prison had also scored and managed a conversion in the swirling wind so they led 12-10 at half time.
The prison came out just as strong in the second half which proved too testing for Stafford, with the prison scoring five more tries. Town fought back valiantly but after a "disagreement" between the prison players, the match was stopped early.

I gather the prison only play home games!

Rock Radio Live

Merl G-spots a winner?

SMS-fired Bluetooth vibrator.

When Pa Came Home

I was born in my Grandmother's house. In those Duke Ellington Blue Reverie days hospital births were only at a doctor's request, so I was delivered in an upstairs room by the local midwife who no doubt shouted for hot water at the appropriate time just to let the neighbours know what was going on. Pa wasn't there. He was busy on a hospital ship somewhere in the Indian Ocean patching up war-torn bodies.

And so it came to pass that I was brought up in a house that was full of women. My Mother, my Grandmother, my Great Aunt Nellie, who had been widowed during a German bombing raid and my mother's two younger sisters. As far as I can remember, their days were spent knitting jumpers and socks, crocheting table mats and antimacassars or doily things to put ornaments on, sewing and embroidering table cloths, serviettes and pillow cases. I know that I spent hours holding skeins of wool while one of the women wound the wool into huge balls ready for knitting. I don't suppose that I was really aware of men at all until I was three years old.

All this changed when I was told that a man from the war would be coming to the house and that I was to run to the door and say, "Welcome home Daddy."

I stood on the embroidered seat of a dining chair in the front room looking out of the bay window. When the postman came, I lost control of my bladder, ran to the door and greeted him with, "Welcome home Daddy." The same happened when the breadman and the milkman came except that I didn't pee my pants. The excitement had started to wear off and I suppose my bladder was already empty after the the postman episode. I don't recall any of these men reacting strangely to being addressed as Daddy. There had, after all, been a severe shortage of men in the area for the past five or six years. More to the point, I don't remember the exact moment when Pa came home because I'd lost interest and gone off to hide in the back garden.

I do remember that when I finally met the giant stranger who had come from the war with his black hair and glasses, I wanted him to go away again. It was just that I'd got used to all those women.

A Frazzled Ballerina And The Redhead With Green Eyes

The Reign of Ellen is full of little gems.

I was hooked as soon as I saw that frazzled little mum dancing around with her balloon that was burst by the time I got to the bottom of the page. That little lady just about sums it up for everyone, not just mums. One day she's up there flying and the next - all she's got is that damn deflated balloon.

Hey and Ellen's posts are good too. It's family life, warts an' all. It's, above all else, real and that's what I like. Go and see for yourself why I'm hooked and while you're clicking links make sure you have a read of Ellen's other page.

Willard Wigan

If you haven't seen this guy's work read on and then hold your breath and take a look at Willard Wigan's tiny sculptures.

He's the guy who can "create a masterpiece in the eye of a sewing needle, on the head of a pin, the tip of an eyelash or a grain of sand. Some are many times smaller than the fullstop at the end of this sentence."

The BBC page about him provides fascinating background reading and Willard's own site has information about him and pictures of some of his work.

"I challenged myself once, I went down to two microns. I got a floating fibre out of the air and started to do five ballerinas on it. It took me a couple of months to get so far and then I remember breathing in and seeing nothing there! I'd inhaled the work. I've got ballerinas in my stomach. I keep standing on my tip-toes, don't know what's causing that?"

Follow the links - the guy's work is unbelievable.

Zazzafooky

I've posted about my dubious love affair with the lady with green eyes and red hair on Tj's page before. Down at the bottom of this page. I also remember learning about all about phone sex from that green eyed redhead. I used to just go over there and just stare at that graphic but now I've got an email that says I can have the lady all to myself on a mouse mat or a bumper sticker. The sun is shining and Rock Radio Live is playing Slade. Life sure is wonderful.

A Promise Not A Threat

There is a fun young guy out there somewhere in Bogsville who has bitten off a lot more than he can chew. I was walking along to the Tulip last night when a balloon full of water travelling at 30mph hit me and burst on impact. I assure you that it hurt.

Whoever you are in that little, resprayed Vauxhall Nova with the single shiny chrome tailpipe and gofaster stickon spoiler - you are now a marked man because I have a more highly developed and sicker sense of humor than you ever dreamed of. Enjoy your fun while it lasts sonny jim.

I know that this post isn't typical Milt but sometimes you need to make a point. If I need bail I'll get someone to post it here.

Getting in the mood

I'm now pumping up the testosterone in preparation for serious ass kicking by listening to Hard Rock Radio Live.

On a marginally lighter note

For the poor devil who came via Yahoo looking for the answer to the question "Who sells cod sperm, milt". I would just like to point out that I have never sold sperm, "cash on delivery" or otherwise. I give it away. Naturally any post donation reward for my services would be much appreciated.

Fooosmee!

I have to say that these Blogger codes to ward off evil spammers are a real pig to read. I'm going to apply for an honorary degree in raoopre, lusov, zummnyn and fooosmme. I think my favourite so far is fooosmme. Sooo if anyone requires a fooosmme expert just drop me a line.

Update

He didn't appear tonight but I didn't go to the Tulip either. Tomorrow I am going to be on my best behavior all day - I think. Maybe not all day because she with ants in her pants is off somewhere on a train. All I've got to do now is find that SA80 assault rifle or 9mm Sig Sauer automatic pistol. Five or six tracer rounds into his petrol tank should warm his ass.

Whites only

The whites only barbershop story running on KATC3's site. Watch Timewarp TV! You need Windows Media Player for it.

Pick Up Points

I heard about a new service being offered by my local supermarket. I got there round about lunchtime and despite torrential rain, have to report that the service worked brilliantly.

Within 5 minutes I had offers from a blonde, two brunettes and a seedy looking guy who had somehow got the wrong idea altogether. There were no redheads at all.

I would like to point out to the management that the 15 minute maximum stay time needs to be increased to 45 minutes.

Some of us don't move as quickly as we used to.

History Lesson

Why should we old boggers let the young boggers think they invented sex when it's patently obvious that we invented it way back in 1953?

See you at the pick up point on Thursday Funky Butt. XXX

ps It's a pity you don't like jazz.

Alan Skidmore

Last night I ended up in a jazz bar listening to Alan Skidmore.

At the end of the second number he turned to me, held his saxophone out and asked if I wanted to have a go. I thought he wanted me to hold the saxophone while he went for a pee.

I bottled it (that's the having a go, not the pee) and left him to get on with his own playing which is probably just as well for all concerned. I suspect that he uses a reed that is so hard that I wouldn't have got a sound out of it. It was a nice thought though and I've no doubt the story will get embellished at some stage in the future.

Keep music and old boggers Live!

Franz Ferdinand

The Sunday morning paper came with a Franz Ferdinand cd. I took it out of the sleeve, slipped it into the computer drive whereupon said cd promptly exploded.

Two hours of opening up the computer and dismantling the cd drive later, I'd retrieved the shattered chunks and just about got the computer operational again. The newspaper will be receiving an email thanking them for the experience. It couldn't happen to anyone else.

Kissable Lips

I suppose I was nine years old when I got the hots for TC. She sat in front of me in class and most mornings I'd go in early so that I could just sit in her seat and touch her desk lid. I was into deep spiritual communication with her.

She didn't know it of course because she didn't come from a family that held seances to call up the spirits of the departed and read the cards and the tea leaves. Mine did. Well my Aunt did and it was she who once announced, to my great personal embarrassment, that I would be a great lover because I had "kissable lips". Had she announced to the assembled family that I had a formidable brain and would one day save the World, everything might have turned out differently.

As it was I scorned education in favor of girls and TC was the one I chose when I was nine. Unfortunately she was one of those teacher pleaser girls. Work and gold stars were her speciality. No matter how often I pursed up in her presence, she just didn't seem to notice. Oh yes, TC had it all, blue eyes, blonde hair and beautiful handwriting. Unfortunately she appeared to have a blindspot when it came to my somewhat more basic physical needs.

Then one afternoon, without any warning, she led me round the outside of the school room to a spot behind a buttress that was screened from the road and researched my "kissable lips". I don't remember a lot about what happened that warm Autumn afternoon but I do remember the breathless sprint home afterwards.

We shared one other torrid session. It was under the trees outside the local church late one November afternoon. I got into a lot of trouble after that one because first thing the next morning TC told Miss Prissy, our teacher, that Milt had poked his banana into the post box and he shouldn't have done that should he? TC got another gold star for being a very good girl and I had to see the headteacher and a man from the Post Office who looked very serious and advised me to keep my banana out of post boxes.

I have tried to follow his advice. I really have. Lord knows - I have tried.
Dedicated to Cheryl
and TC of course, wherever she might be.

For my French readers

"Trois à quatre millions de Français connaissent ces troubles du transit que sont les diarrhées." Sounds like a load of crap to me!

Just who is this guy?

Just who is this guy? He makes Olympic gymnasts look like wimps!

Conversation & Company Needed

I was drummin' and strummin', tappin' and clappin' away to Poco's - You'd Better Think Twice when, out of the blue, I got me a beep beep and a text message. It read. "jst lnded". I swear that woman does more flying around than Tinkerbell. I expect I'll get another text message when she gets back.

Found some sausage in the fridge so I ate it Cajun style. If it hadn't been monsooning at the time I'd have cremated it outdoors to avoid setting off the fire alarm. At least I now know the ADT smoke alarm still works. Tomorrow I'll have to go in search of conversation and company otherwise I'll go completely round the bend. Today's oral efforts went something like this,

Me - Woman's disappeared again. She's on a plane.
Dog -
Me - What do you fancy for tea?
Dog -
Me - Anything you fancy watching on tv tonight?
Dog -
Me - That woman at Number 4's got a hell of an ass on her.
Dog - Yeah I noticed.

Can anyone explain to me what the trackback tag is for?

Blast from the past

Mrs B was missing again and I'd discovered TV-B-Gone. What a carefree explosive little bogger (N.B. that is bogger not booger) I was in those days!

Silence is golden

I spent most of Saturday working up an appetite and a thirst, brushing sand into the gaps between the bricks in the back yard and down the side of the house, then cooked and ate some lamb. Full bellied, I checked my emails and found an invitation to go to the wild and wicked metropolis to eat and drink the night away.Typical! Yet another night talking to the bloody tv.

There must be someone out there willing to give a high mileage, slightly grubby old bogger, help with the great oral tradition. Tomorrow night I'll get into Volvo and head off into the sunset Back to the Chicken Shack. To hell with this "Silence Is Golden" crap. It sucks.

Management Skills

I worked for a short time with a guy who was made temporary head of our whole tiny world of work. He felt he was purpose built for the position. In fact he'd got the silky smooth management skills of a Sherman Tank or a Bulldozer. He sent for me one day to ask where Mr B. was.

"Drove him home," I said. "He wasn't fit for work."
"What's wrong with him?"
"His wife's had a very difficult pregnancy. She's been in labor for over 24 hours and the poor guy doesn't know whether he's coming or going. He's better off with her at the hospital."
"We'll take it off his paternity leave."

I looked at him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You'll do what?" I asked. "He's not well."
"Who said he's not well?"
"I did. That's why I took him home. He's unfit for work."
"So what? He's paid to be here not at home."
"The guy's not well. His wife has been in labor for over 24 hours. She's having real problems. Cut him some slack!"

"I'm not interested. I'm about as sympathetic as a rhinoceros with diarrhea."
"Can I quote you on that?" I asked and walked out.

After a few months, interviews were held for the full time head of whole tiny world of work. There was one internal candidate - Rhino. He didn't get the job and when the decision came through he burst into tears. Have to admit I was about as sympathetic as a "rhinoceros with diarrhea".

From the annals

Twelve months ago.

Late breaking news

Bogsville's worst air disaster occurred this afternoon when a two-seater Cessna, containing two unnamed males, crashed into the showpiece, Pearly Gates cemetery. Search and rescue workers have reported finding 135 bodies so far and expect those numbers to increase as digging continues this evening.

Anyone Seen My SA80 Assault Rifle?

Here's a little story that should help citizens of the UK sleep sounder in their beds tonight.

It seems that a Sergeant Major in 14 Signals Regiment was taking part in a training exercise with 900 other soldiers last Monday in the Brecon Beacons when he somehow managed to lose his SA80 assault rifle, capable of firing 700 rounds a minute. The Sergeant Major claims he handed the weapon to someone while he went off to do an administrative task. When he came back he couldn't find the rifle. I suggest he checks on eBay.

Hold on a minute wasn't it only two days earlier that Captain Alice Bromage left her dainty little, US-made 9mm Sig Sauer automatic pistol, loaded with 13 rounds of blank ammunition, in the disabled toilet of a Sainsbury's store in Hitchin, Herts? It's rumored that the Captain was on an intelligence gathering exercise at the time. She probably rested it on the cistern while she powdered her nostrils. Could happen to anyone. And anyway it later turned up in a post box so that's ok and a 20-year-old man from Ickleford, Herts, was arrested on suspicion of theft by finding.

My mother used to hang my house key round my neck on a piece of string. Maybe the British army should buy some balls of string.

A year ago

I seem to have been having a go at spammers and people who were about to vote for George Bush. The link still works. Visit the link and see how you were manipulated. No one left a comment then. What a bunch of ... So go there immediately and leave a comment to prove that the 2005 readership is friendlier and more astute than the dumbasses were in 2004.

Panda Cam

There's a baby panda at Smithsonian National Zoological Park. The little bogger is only 15 weeks old - amazing. Last night he was all on his own but usually his Ma is pretty close. The webcam picture isn't all that good which is a great pity. If you've got RealPlayer visit Animal Planet where you can right click on the picture and open a separate window that doesn't freeze up after 15 minutes.

Night Stalker

Last night I stalked along to the Tulip & Tiara. Usual tottyless Tuesday emptiness, except that there at the bar was film and television composer Oliver Ledbury who was paying a flying visit and soaking up the atmosphere. I expect he'll use the experience as inspiration for a future composition or two - or maybe not. Anyway I managed to discover that the drummer on Night Stalker was Ralph Salmins - but who was the sax player?

It didn't make up for the distinct lack of totty but a bit of culture now and again isn't such a bad thing.

My back pages

Old blue eyes. If you don't fancy that go and visit Last Girl On Earth and listen to Meme. I dedicate it to Ally who set me an impossible task when she tagged me.

I borrowed a power washer

I borrowed a power washer. It seemed like the thing to do. Well the block paving front and back of the house has changed color but the house has changed color too. It's now whitish with thick black globs randomly dispersed over the whitishness and the windows and the doors and next door's walls and their classic, red, used to sparkle, two seater, Mercedes sports car and I am mud colored from head to foot. My clothes are on the kitchen floor next to a pile of sand that wasn't there when I started and I'm frantically trying to work out what I'm going to do to clear up the mess before she with ants in her pants gets back. Oh shit!

This originally appeared in yesterday's post but I've moved it here to remind me to sort out the mess and I didn't want it sitting under Ed McBain.

Ed McBain

I am devastated. Yes I know that it's a crap emotional term, but I am devastated because as far as I know I've just read the last two books that Ed McBain aka Evan Hunter wrote before he died.

I've been reading Ed McBain since the 1950's and no matter what crap the World hurled my way there was always the next Ed McBain to look forward to. Now he's gone and Steve Carella, Teddy, Bert, Meyer and the others are left floating in limbo with no one to finish it off for them.

Now I'll never know whether Fat Ollie get into her pants. Not unless he writes the book himself I won't. I'm damn sure that umpteen people will have a go but that's all that it will be. Just people having a go.

Last Summer I sat down and read them all again to see the changes. To see what indications there were about 50 years' worth of change in society. I had this idea about putting it into a database. I didn't do it. Now I'm stuck here worrying about what's going to happen to New York and, in particular, the 87th Precinct and all those people I grew up with and care so much about.

I thought that Alice in Jeopardy, not an 87th Precinct story, was absolutely superb. I kept putting it down because I didn't want to read it at one sitting. I knew that there were no more stories to come. I struggled even more, not to finish the final 87th Precinct story. I'd saved that until last.

The strange thing is that what stuck in my mind, with both books was the overt criticism of the Bush Presidency. I now have to reread everything yet again to see what political comment there has been over the 50 odd years of the 87th Precinct. I'm sure it's there. It's just that I probably don't remember it.

Ed. wherever you are, I just want to say thank you for all the years of pleasure that you have given me since I was a teenager and got hooked on Cop Hater. God bless you sir.

Stallions & Gas Prices

If you want a stallion in the bedroom, best not count on me - I've got a bike, a lawnmower and a car but no stallion.

I'd like to thank Dewayne Knutson for his generous offer but 36 hours of e rectiions sounds painfully excessive to me, even for a stallion, no wonder there are so many geldings around. What I'd really like Duayne is a brood mare.

I know that stallions, geldings and mares don't run on gas unless you give them the wrong feed, so maybe a horse would be a cheaper means of transport. Better strike that - I've just looked up brood mare prices and noticed that the young ones are a lot more expensive than the older ones. Sounds about right - they always are.

If you want to check current gas prices for your area in the US or Canada have a look at Gasbuddy.com - it's updated regularly.

Banned books

No wonder the World's all screwed up! We're reading the wrong books or we should be.

Two books on the top 10 banned authors list caused problems for me. I remember trying to help a boy who was struggling with a literature course. The biggest problem he had was that his parents refused to let him read Steinbeck's Of Mice And Men because of "All the bad language." I assumed they were referring to George's use of "Crazy bastard." Not so. He agreed to open the book to show me what was preventing him reading it. He pointed to "Jesus Christ Lennie." I couldn't even get him to write a piece about the book from his own religious viewpoint.

I had more of a problem trying to understand the viewpoint of the young lady who refused to read Harper Lee's To Kill A Mockingbird. She had decided it was racist because it contained the word "nigger" and nothing I said to her would get her to think otherwise.

Why Don't They All F-f-fade Away?

People try to put us d-down (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Just because we get around (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
Things they do look awful c-c-cold (Talkin' 'bout my generation)
I hope I die before I get old (Talkin' 'bout my generation)

When the Who recorded My Generation back on October 13th, 1965 they got it right. Four young guys singing about their reluctance to subscribe to a world run by old farts who wanted everybody to conform."Hope I die before I get old" was a chilling but totally appropriate line.

Sadly Buddy Holly, Eddie Cochran, Brian Jones, Keith Moon, Jimi Hendrix, Janice Joplin, Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain and countless others all managed to do it and keep their reputations as rockers intact. Just as sadly, The Rolling Stones and McCartney bandwagons continue to roll on and on and on. There is something obscene about Sir Mick Jagger and Sir Paul McCartney continuing to strut their stuff ad nauseam as if they are still the real deal.

"The idea of retiring is like killing yourself. It's almost like hari-kari. I intend to live to be 100 and go down in history," Keith Richards told the Australian Broadcasting Company. Sorry Keith it was the years of heroin addiction not retirement that was almost like hari-kari.

I notice that the recent Toronto McCartney set list did not include When I'm 64. Does that mean next year will see the McCartney Now I'm 64 extravaganza?

Don't get me wrong here. I'm not wishing the Endless Sleep on you guys - just a long and happy retirement with all your iPod memories.

Hey kids - Get the rebel back in the Rock 'n' Roll will you and help these over indulged old farts of rock grow up and f-fade away once and for all.

A Year Ago

As of today Milt is one year old. The amazing thing about all this is that he has already had a present. Call it a coincidence or call it fate. Call it what you will. It happened. I'd like to thank anyone and everybody who has ever popped in to the coffee shop. I packed it all in a couple of times for about an hour but I'm afraid that it has become a way of life.

A year ago I was drinking in and writing about the Hole In The Ground bar. And it's true - nothing ever changes - except that the bar is under new management again. Three times in six months and I haven't been inside it since February.

I had this thing about Bush and Blair then and now it's got worse. I really can't watch the bastards on television or listen to them on radio. I certainly wouldn't trust either of them with anything to do with world affairs and I wouldn't buy either of them a drink. Sorry George I forgot and Tony I really am not impressed by what you "think or believe".

Back then, a year ago, I hoped that Iraq would settle down and hoped that B&B would be proved right. Fat chance.

What really mattered was that I was able to spend the occasional evening talking to intelligent people about things that didn't cause suffering.

Anyhow I spent that evening, a year ago, in the Hole in the Ground Bar and a strange woman attached herself to my back. She was very drunk and eventually disappeared without trace although she was spotted on two further occasions, once piddling in the street. I don't know where she went or what happened to her but I doubt whether national or local politics will have made her life any better. A sad reflection on today's society.

I think that anyone who reads that first post will recognize it as being a Milt post. It's the way I am. The way I view life. I can spot talent in others and suffering too, a mile off. If I had anything about me I would be able to do something to change society. As it is, I'm a spotter not a fixer. I'll have to leave the fixing to bastards like Bush and Blair. As I said before - Fat Chance!

Meanwhile I'll continue to produce trivia and to read and to talk to real people.

Prosthetic Testicles

Prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs, cats, horses and bulls sounds like a great idea to me. I've noticed for some time that Dog hasn't got as much woof as he used to have. I thought it was because he was old and arthritic but now I realize that it's because he's nutless.

Thanks to Gregg Miller, inventor of Neuticles, all that can be a thing of the past.

If you go for the Ultraplus model "not gel filled or saline filled- but feels almost liquid"; not only will your dog have the swingiest nuts on the block but they'll still feel like the real thing. At this point the mind boggles.

To hell with Dog's missing nuts. I'm going to get me a set of those "Equine & Bulls Naturals (Solid Silicone, Natural Soft)". I think I'll go for the NN-EBL length 5.75" at $399 each. Then I'll stagger bowlegged, poor but proud into the local bar, rest them on a stool and wait.

Load of old balls

Guy's been drinking in a bar, getting really maudlin, dwelling on the fact that he's only got half the usual male quota. After a couple of hours he turns to the guy on his right and sobs,
"Did you know that between the two of us we've only got three balls?"
Guy on the right looks at him in amazement and squeaks,
"Jeez! You've got a lot!"

More for dog lovers

Dog condoms for the careful pug that wants to avoid poochie pregnancies.

Trouble is that the dog can't manage to put them on - no thumbs. That's right - you've got to roll it on for him. Seems like a good idea for all you dog nut feelers out there. Mind you if he's just had the prosthetic testicles installed - what's the point?

This Week's Riveting Reads

Plug your speakers in and have a Tequila with me. You'll need it because although the page three girls are gone the Bogsville Bugle has been sent some riveting reads. I haven't a clue who this very young lady is or where I found her picture but she really is a breath of fresh air. This week's riveters.

Hymn Challenge

On 22 October, members of St Michael's Church in Pelsall are raising money by singing the first verse of 53 hymns non-stop. The session should last around 45 minutes.

I assume they are raising funds to buy hymn books that contain all the verses so that they can avoid this sort of nonsense in the future.

Gran Knits Scarf

An 83 year old grandmother in Liverpool has knitted a 450 foot long red and white scarf in honor of Liverpool Soccer Club.

Christina Brockway, from Whiston in Merseyside, started knitting the scarf in 2001 and has not stopped since.

I know the problem Christina. I never discovered how to bind (cast) off either.

Club's Card Tips

Pheasey Library's over 50's club will receive tips on making Christmas Cards at its meeting on 10 November from 10am to 11.30am.

The poor boggers! What on earth have they done to deserve that? I will avoid Pheasey, wherever it is, like the Plague.

Let me out of here!

Entertainment Collectables

So the Britney Spears jewel encrusted bra disappeared from eBay's listings. So what? I couldn't give a baboon's rear end whether it got pulled or not, but I was interested in eBay's comment about why it dropped the listing.

To ward off fetishists, one of eBay's policies is not to list used undergarments. A spokesman for eBay said the item fell into forbidden territory and probably should have been listed as an entertainment collectable.

I'm just sitting here trying very hard not to think about all you fine ladies out there wearing your entertainment collectables.

Mmmnnn entertainment collectables! Yes I know the picture isn't one of a bra, sorry entertainment whatsit, but who cares? The lady looks like she eats well. If anyone out there with one of those icing bag entertainment collectables or even collectibles would like to drop in for a coffee...

Made to order collectables by Aphrodisia.

Never really thought much about bras until I sneaked a peek at "What has your lingerie done for you?.

A real read

May I unreservedly recommend this piece, on the joys of being a dinner lady, to anyone who watched the recent Jamie Oliver series about changing UK school dinners.

Nerve Engine The Croft Bristol

Today Tuesday 11 October, the Nerve Engine/ Brody tour reaches Bristol. So if anybody is in Bristol and in the vicinity of The Croft, round about 8.00pm, drop in and listen and drop me a line. That's email not the toilet lid variety.

Anne Yip Fon

Anne Yip has travelled North to be with her mother who is not well. Best wishes to you both from Bogsville Anne Yip. Lapdog is surviving.

The Ambassador writes home

The letter on the left was written in 1943 during the Second World War by Sir Archibald Clerk Kerr, British Ambassador in Moscow, to Lord Pembroke at the Foreign Office.

Those of you without 53" monitors can read it here or there is a transcript here. I wonder what Sir Archibald would have made of the plonker sitting to the Queen's right in yesterday's picture. Also available here.

Handcuffs Yes Knots No

"It is with deep sadness that I have to announce that Milt has had to come to terms with the harsh realities of life and accept the fact that he'll never get to be a cowboy. He's just useless at poker. He's got to rearrange an appointment at the glaucoma clinic and pay a visit to Duane the mad barber and then there are the lawns to cut and a couple of hedges to hack and some windows in dire need of painting before the Winter sets in. The poor man is an incorrigible old fart who suffers from delusions of endless youth."
Miss Roseberry

Message from Milt

Don't believe a word of that woman's claptrap. The fitness sessions with Miss Roseberry have been going from bad to worse. Her latest training routine involved poker. I made the mistake of mentioning that I had some skill in that department. Suffice it to say that on that occasion I may have been embroidering the truth just a little. Truth is I was lying. I can now see that the woman is a positive danger to my health. As far as I'm concerned enough is enough and I'm going to have to trade her in for a more reliable model so if you're still out there Mel. The only problem is that Miss Roseberry is a very powerful woman and unlike the aforementioned Mel never seems to have knots anywhere. Handcuffs yes knots no.

Privates On Parade

Ever wondered what they wear under the kilt? The answer is to the Queen's immediate right.

The guy should get a medal for that!

Missed Hospital Appointment

I've just realized that I missed last week's appointment at the Bogsville Eye Hospital. Usually they send me a reminder letter or one telling me that they've had to postpone my session because of staff holidays. This time they didn't send anything at all so tomorrow I'm going to have to grope my way down there to plead and grovel.

Hope they'll be able to fit me in sometime soon because reading has become a bit of a problem recently.

Rationale

Rationale by Nerve Engine.

Cowboy progress

Just thought I'd let BJB know thet I'm a gettin' the hang of the C&W but my spittin' is progressin' poorly. It's more like dribblin' at the moment. Ah Shucks there it goes again. Dang Me if I ain't right now goin' to have to wash me another shirt.

Buttocks Like A Horse

She had buttocks like a horse. A thoroughbred, naturally. Smooth, firm and rounded, mobile and mettlesome. There was a seductive, stupefying scent about her - or so he guessed.

I live in hope that one day I will be able to delete the last four words of the story. It doesn't seem very likely because last night I discovered that my watch was one whole day slow. I am in fact one day older than I thought I was.

The back of the lid in the bar's WC sparkled but the tip of any finger dragged over it came away coated with a distinct white powdery residue.

"There's only one way to test it," said Merl.
I placed said digit on my tongue. End result, a numb tongue. Either the lid was covered in what I suspect it was covered in or I had just poisoned myself with bleach.

That old thunderbox lid is going to be wiped down with WD40 tonight. Let's see how the cutters cope with that while I concentrate on the stupefying scents of the smooth, firm and rounded, mobile and mettlesome.

The opening quote is the opening paragraph to a novel first published in 1972. Anyone out there know the Author and original title?

Tighten My Grip

Tighten My Grip by Nerve Engine.

Male Concubine, Lapdog & Stud

The BBC didn't run it - Milt did

Back in November 2004 Milt covered George Bush's getting his instructions for war direct from God. See paragraph 3. Nice to know that the rest of the World catch up eventually.

Merl iStud

Page after page of past posts on Milt's Page show no comments. Peed orf with this discovery I opened up one of the zero post boxes and discovered comments in there. When I got back to 8/20/05's post, Sony Vaio Credit Card Fraud I discovered a comment that exposes to the World a hitherto totally unknown aspect of my drinking buddy Merl's lifestyle.

"BTW Milt, I am not sure that the word Partner to describe Merl does him justice, Male Concubine perhaps or Lapdog, Stud, Bit of Stuff, all far more exciting don't you think?

I have to say Milt, you did throw yourself over that fence in spectacular style. Merl and I had to stay to administer large quantities of liquid relaxant to Raul for medicinal purposes."
Anne Yip Fon.

Damn me, that's some woman you've got there Merl. No wonder you're always panting for beer in the Tulip. Thanks for the info Anne Yip and sorry for the delay in posting. I blame Haloscan.

Fraud update

Raul's $10,000 rip off seems to have failed to trigger any rapid response from the credit card company, the bank, or the Bogsville Fraud Squad. Seems they class $10,000 as chicken feed. Last Monday the credit card company sent him a few forms to fill in asking for details of the attempted fraud and asking whether he'd reported it to the police.

Hey that's two months guys! Don't you think the trail might be getting just a little cold? Excuse me while I clone a few credit cards before those bank and police people wake their ideas up.

Heard the one about the guy who banned pigs in Dudley?
Or the one about the Bus Shelter outside the Corbett Hospital?
Well the malady is spreading. Now there's the one about Wakefield Prison in Yorkshire.

Accolade

I just had an email from Paul Zdanowicz in Accolade asking me to go to his band's page and listen and then to tell my friends to listen too. Have to admit I always liked the singer's voice. So go and listen. What are you waiting for? Try Scarred and Fire Me Up. Try them all - they're free. Best of luck guys.

P.S.

The Fourth Annual Blogger Boobiethon is on.


Gosh!

Anyone need a used Lapdog? I think I just became available.

C&A

An Essex girl is in a bar one afternoon when she notices something strange about the trainers the guy at the next table is wearing.

"'Scuse me mate, I ain't being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your trainers 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"

The guy puts down his can of Red Bull and says, "Well the one with the R is for me right foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."

"Blimey," says the Essex girl, "so that's why me knickers 'ave got a C & A on them!"

I don't know about her knickers but the poor girl looks to me like she needs a couple of pounds of steak and half a dozen sticky buns. Must be the food shortage after Tornado Shazza struck Basildon.

On a purely personal note I've decided I'd like to become a cowboy but I can't for the life of me imagine why.

I expect it's all to do with watching The Lone Ranger and Tonto or Roy Rogers and Trigger at the cinema on Saturday mornings when I was a kid. All that groping and branding...

On the other hand it might have something to do with the T-shirt that the young lady on the left is wearing. I don't think she got it from C&A.

Lullabubs & Lamborghinis

It's about time I showed the caring, good with babies, helpful side of my nature. Let's face it, when it comes to sleepless nights because of a teething tot, Mrs B's been there and done it all. You know the scene.
"Hey are you awake? I think the baby's crying. Go and see what's wrong will you."

Trouble was that Mrs B. was a sound sleeper, so by the time I'd elbowed her fully awake and told her what was going on a few times, it was very difficult for me to get back to sleep again and if I managed it, she usually woke me up when she got back into bed a couple of hours later just to tell me how cold it was. Anyway enough of that. You want to know about the Lullabub.

The "Lullabub" is an innovative product that will gently rock a cot automatically & unassisted, in a harmonic rhythm to naturally soothe & settle babies to sleep.

What more could a doting parent ask for? Sounds good doesn't it all that rocking in harmonic rhythm. What an invaluable product.

Hey to hell with putting it under the baby's cot, sounds like that Lullabub is just what a stiff old bogger like me needs under the legs of his bed. You can't beat a bit of that automatic, unassisted, harmonic rhythm rocking. I bet all the women in Bogsville would queue up to try out Milt's Lullabub. Where's that link?

Feel like a little flutter?

Why not buy a ticket for a 1 in 300 chance of winning a Lamborghini Gallardo? You can even go and have a look at the cars if you are in Grand Central Station in NYC.

Well here's why not - the tickets are $1,000 each. There are two cars in the raffle and only 300 tickets for each car so the odds are pretty good.

If you have the money here is the link. You'd better hurry though - the winners will be announced this Friday. Sadly I won't be one of them. Typical isn't it. It's always the rich boggers who can already afford a Lamborghini who win those prizes.

Never mind there's always the Lullabub and I think I just heard the first customer at the front door. Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Homer's waiting for heart surgery. "Bed goes up. Bed goes down. Bed goes up. Bed goes down." Oh no. That was Miss Roseberry.

Late news for pussy lovers

Are you fed up with cleaning up your cat's litter tray? What you need is a Litter-Robot, the automatic self-cleaning litter box that really works. You'll never again have to scoop a dirty litter box by hand! Sounds too good to be true? I'm sure it is.

Nerve Engine on Tour

Picture courtesy of Graham E. from Sunday's Nerve Engine gig at the Garage in London. Listen to Never See Me Fall and One Chance, roughcut prerelease tracks from their EP Red Son Rising. Red Son?

Tour Details

Back to the pigs

I've just realised that some of you out there might prefer pigs to roughcut rockers so after hours of painstaking research, I have unearthed these fine porkers from Sugar Mountain Farm in Vermont.

I would like to dedicate them to the poor downtrodden people working in the Finance Department at Dudley Council. Yes that's Dudley pronounced Dud Lay folks. Dudley Finance Department where, Head of Finance Mike Williams, in a monumentally mad moment of absurd political correctness decided to ban pigs from the office desks and walls. Nice work Mike - you plonker!

Coke Revisited

Ronnie Barker has died

Bluebird Tattoo

You have just got to listen to this track Bluebird Tattoo by Circe Link. Or you could try Out Of My Mind. It's even got a tenor sax in there but you'll have to go to the page and press the button yourself. Monday morning and I think I just fell in love again.

Coke revisited

Thanks for the comments on yesterday's post Glitch. No offense taken. Shouldn't you stay out of bars if you don't drink and "don't want some alcoholic slurring his words and hitting on my wife because he's drunk and is a bit of an animal when he drinks, when I go off to the restroom to sniiiiif"?

Hell if you keep leaving your wife on her own while you go off to the restroom to sniff coke off a toilet lid what do you expect?

And what do you mean, "hitting on her because he's drunk"? You mean he wouldn't do it if he was sober? It's your wife you should be saying "no offense" to, not me.

George Best

I see G.B. is critically ill in hospital in London with alcohol related problems again. Hope he pulls through. He was a great soccer player but I can't help thinking there were probably less influential but worthier bodies who would have looked after the donor liver he received a few years back. I got a message last week saying that George was out drinking in some bar in Surbiton over there in Surrey UK. As I say - he was a great soccer player.

Heard the one about the guy who banned pigs in Dudley?

Or the one about the Bus Shelter outside the Corbett Hospital in Dudley?

Make Mine Coke

The coke was flowing in the Tulip & Tiara bar last night. The barman told me they were having problems with the homogenized garbage I drink when I'm in there.

"Do you want the triple cooled Titanic instead?"
"No, the Titanic's too cold for me," I said. "I guess I'll have to make do with the coke in the washroom. Is there much in there tonight?"
He looked at me and pulled a face."There was a lot in there earlier on, but it's just about clear now."
"Cutting it on the top of the toilet paper dispensers were they?"
"No the back of the toilet seat lids. I had to wipe them down a couple of times. The last guy made a real mess in there. Most of his toot was on the floor."

Maybe I'm swimming against the tide here but I have to admit to having a problem with bars that accept that customers are openly snorting coke in the washroom and don't do anything about it. I'm not naive enough to think that it doesn't go on but I don't want the mouthy pea brain pushing in next to me at the bar to be high on something he sniffed off a seat in the john.

What amazed me was that the guy behind the bar was so open about it. I think I'll rename him Charlie.

Heard the one about the guy who banned pigs in Dudley?

Or the one about the Bus Shelter outside the Corbett Hospital?

Dudley Council Pig Ban

I want you all to pray for the sanity of Dudley UK Council bosses who have banned novelty pig calendars and toys, in case Muslim staff members are offended by them.

They have been told to remove or at least cover up anything that resembles a pig or has a picture of a pig on it. Even a Winnie the Pooh tissue box with a picture of Piglet has had to go.

It seems that a Muslim worker was offended by some pig-shaped stress relievers that had been delivered to the office.

Head of Finance, Mike Williams said,
"Benefits management reacted quite rightly. I think we all have an objective to do our bit to respect the wishes of people we work with."

I sincerely hope that you and your staff haven't been handling or eating pork products Mike because if you have you might be in danger of offending that Muslim worker.

Call me insensitive if you will, but I assure you that if I worked in that office, Monday morning would see the biggest explosion of novelty pig calendars, cards and toys ever known in the entire history of Dudley UK. Finance Department.

"Are we going to be friends forever? Asked Piglet.
Even longer, Pooh answered."
A. A. Milne - Winnie the Pooh

A pig for Dudley

Here's a pig for Dudley. I'm sorry if you are offended by the picture but I happen to like pigs. I really do find them more interesting than people who object to pictures of them or to plastic, pig shaped toys. Quite honestly I would not employ anyone who felt that plastic pigs or pictures of pigs were objectionable.

Now eating pigs or slicing up pigs is a different matter. That's slicing and bleeding - but a calendar or tissue box? You have to be joking!

Personally I object to killing animals by cutting their throats and letting them bleed to death but then I'm peculiar that way.