A major Tornado (Shazza) measuring 5 on the Faaack scale hit in the early hours of last Monday morning. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackin ell" ...

The tornado decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

How Can You Help

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

-- Fila, von Dutch or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

Breaking news

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop - "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked.
"ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

I would like to express my gratitude to UK Southern Gent for this totally tasteless story.

Decision could spell death knell for pub

A WALTHAM Abbey pub is in danger of drying up after councillors said no to longer opening hours. An Epping Forest Council licensing panel heard that 'wakes' for the deceased at the quiet Spotted Cow in Fountain Place only marginally compensated for a general decline in business.

Wakes for the deceased! Faaak! Now there's a money spinning idea for the Hole in the Ground bar.