Knacker's Yard, Bushmeat & Dental Tips

I smoke too many cigarettes, drink way too much coffee and Bogsville beer and only eat when my stomach tells me I have to. In other words I'm a medical disaster waiting to happen. I'm force fed a huge cod liver oil capsule every morning but now I read that I should avoid taking cod liver oil because it might cause osteoporosis.

Has anyone got the phone number for the Bogsville Knacker's Yard?

Bushmeat

It's safe for Brits to eat Bushmeat if it's cooked correctly. Always suspected they were a bunch of cannibals. "Bushmeat poses an 'extremely low' risk of life-threatening infection from anthrax, brucellosis and monkeypox virus to people who come into contact with it before it is cooked."

Anthrax, brucellosis and monkeypox virus! Just stay the hell away from Bogsville will you George!

Useful Dental Tips

In order to avoid a cracked tooth, steer clear of chewing ice, popcorn kernels, hard candy and nuts, dog biscuits, coal or T.V. remotes. And, in order to prevent getting anything caught between your teeth, do not cut or rip things, such as tape or sealed packages, with your teeth. Perhaps making a bra out of a pair of panties wasn't such a good idea after all.

On reflection, having panties caught between my teeth sounds good to me.

Majorca

For some reason or another I made a spur of the moment decision to fly out to Majorca for a few days. I have no idea why.

I parked the car near the airport and set off for the check in. At that point I realized I had left my passport in Bogsville and tried to text home to explain my predicament. I succeeded only in making a voice call to the singer in some rock band who was no help whatsoever. "Happens to me all the time Man," he said, at which point I woke up in the bloody back garden. Thanks for suggesting I should lie down and rest up a while Cheryl.