Cheese Omelettes & Pasta

I got a phone call from an old friend. I've known her for a very long time. Just before the phone rang I'd decided I was in urgent need of food. By the time she rang off I had missed breakfast and lunch.

I can't actually remember much of what she talked about. I know she mentioned cheese omelettes and pasta. Very strange that because I was thinking more along the lines of meat and two veg. Anyway she said she would come up and see me sometime next week. I'd better get some eggs and cheese in.

The perfectly shaped ass

Ok I want you to be honest here. Which of these two great ass pictures do you prefer? I'll leave you to consider your answer while I nip off to the bathroom. I'll be back, as they say, in a brace of shakes.

Ok I'm able to focus again now. I know that both pictures are of the same woman because it's the same pair of pants. If you want to know how the transformation is achieved just visit Tarragon's page. Which do I prefer? The first one naturellement, but there is something about the second one... Hang on I'll be back in a minute.

WebKittyn

I'm listening to WebKittyn's Mango Radio podcast from this week. You sure knows some fruity words WebKittyn. Excuse me I've got to nip off again.

A Non Thermal Thong

It's official. I am perceived as being on the way out. I got a message from Merl last night that suggested I might be in danger of fracturing a hip if I tried to walk down to the Tulip & Tiara for a drink.

Yes we have snow. Enough snow to gridlock the whole of Bogsville. Truth is we have a sprinkling of snow and temperatures cold enough to prevent it melting. Bogsville people just don't know how to drive. I'm not sure whether I should feel happy that someone cares about my health or downright insulted. Yes you guessed right first time.

I told that young upstart Merl that I would see him later on in our nearest local bar, the Hole in the Ground. Personally I think there is more risk attached to drinking in the Hole in the Ground bar than in trying to climb Mount Everest clad only in a pair of sand shoes and a non thermal thong.

Favorite thong

St James Infirmary by Jack Teagarden has been one of my favorite thongs for over fifty years. Shite! I think Merl had got a point.

Islanders are hardy

I would just like to say hello to the reader from the Isle Of Man who dropped in yesterday. Islanders are really, really hardy folk. If you're still out there Doug - what's the weather like?

Monday Morning & A Dirty Martini

Those of you who commented on Don't Bonk a Brit will be thrilled to learn that Bogsville has been officially declared a clapfree zone and that today has been designated Diseased Dingle Destruction Day. Our first Diseased Dingle Destruction event will be held at the Tulip & Tiara, doors open 11.00am. Bring your own book, brick or hammer.

For all of you out there who need warming up on a cold Monday morning I offer you Fire by Arthur Brown. If you are old enough to be an Eagles fan listen to Poco. The song was written by Tim Schmidt when he was still with Poco. Yes I've posted it before but I like it.

Beer drinker

It may have escaped the world's notice but I'm predominantly a beer drinker. I have consumed a few other alcoholic concoctions over the years but I always go back to beer.

Anyway, stored away somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge that some women favor Martinis so I decided to investigate the ingredients for a perfect Martini and discovered a Dirty Martini that would probably blow the top of my head right off and wean me away from beer for good.

I'm not sure what you're sitting on there but I'm prepared to get one for the garden.

Ricky Hatton Welterweight Nightmare

I didn't make the bar last night. The Hatton / Maussa world title fight didn't start until 10pm. Before the fight 27 year old Hatton said,

"There'll be fireworks to say the least. It'll be a fight where parents might have to put the kids to bed early."

He wasn't joking. By 11.05pm it was all over. Hatton had won by a knockout in the ninth round to unify the IBF and WBA world light welterweight titles despite suffering cuts to both his eyes in the first three rounds and I was left sitting in front of the TV, incapable of rational thought.

The fight was brutal but then all Hatton's fights are. He's somehow a throwback to the days of fighters like Terry Downes before Sky Sport's over theatrical, over hyped fights threatened to turn boxing into a pantomime. I even get the feeling I should be watching the fights in monochrome.

Ricky Hatton is a nice guy full of genuine respect for his opponents until he is in the ring with them, at which point he single-mindedly sets out to destroy them. In doing so he asks for and gives no quarter.

After the ninth round destruction of the Colombian, Carlos Maussa's corner raised Hatton's hand in recognition of his superior ability. It was a strangely touching moment. You don't see it often these days in any sport, let alone a sport where fighters are overhyped and mismatched against inferior opposition purely to protect their unbeaten records and to increase their box office potential. This guy is, as they say, the real deal. He doesn't need the hype.

I am sitting here now at 3.00am because I was woken by a nightmare and I have no doubt at all that the fight I watched late last night was responsible for it.

When Ricky Hatton steps into the ring next time, I'll be watching again but it'll probably be from between my fingers.

e-business marketing, design and consulting

For all your business requirements you need to visit huhcorp.com. These people really know how to do stuff. They've got a very big table, computers, a whiteboard and great looking women. Don't leave it to amateurs. Remember that with Huh to help you, a successful business is only a digitclick away.

Don't Bonk A Brit (Revisited)

Twelve months ago I posted a story under the immediately forgettable title Don't Bonk a Brit. I don't think that anyone ever read the page so I'm posting the link again because according to the Independent Online Bonking a Brit is even more dangerous now.

" Sexually transmitted diseases among young people are soaring, with record numbers of new infections diagnosed last year.
The increase in cases of HIV, chlamydia and syphilis is driven by increases in risky behaviour and a perception that the diseases are 'trivial' ".

I remember a conversation with a group of UK university students who all came from the London area.
"Fester's got a dose of the clap again."
"What's he doing about it?" I asked.
"Same as he always does. Down the clinic for a course of penicillin shots. Why do you ask? Haven't you ever had the clap?"
"No I haven't," I told them.
"Really? Bloody Hell. It's only like having the flu. You really haven't ever had it?"

I remember thinking at the time that it would be best to avoid Fester's female company. I guess I knew a lot more about VD than Fester and his pals. Either that or I'd just been lucky.
I never found out what happened to Fester and his pals. I expect they're still in the happy clapper queue at a VD clinic somewhere.
Here's a little ditty I'd like to share Come Up And See Me Sometime recorded in 1933 by Cliff Edwards (Ukulele Ike) and his Hot Combination.

More Brit Bonking

Bloody Pay per View! I want to go for a drink tonight but I've paid for Brit Bonking Boxing. I always watch Ricky Hatton, even when he is on at 02.00am. Tonight he is fighting Carlos Maussa in Sheffield tonight. The problem is that Sky say the fight starts sometime after 9.00pm. If I knew it started at 9.00pm I could arrange to go out afterwards. If it starts at 10.00pm or later it's unlikely that I would have time to watch and go out. Looks like I'm stuffed. Thanks Sky.

What Make Is Your Sax?

I was pretty sure that it was a Mark VI tenor saxophone. The only thing that didn't ring true was the strengthening bar under the crook. I'd seen one of those before but it was on a Conn.

In need of a pee I set off for the washroom. A guy came in and stood next to me. It was the guy with the sax with the reinforced crook.
"Excuse me," I said, "I hope you don't mind me asking but what make is your sax?"
"I beg your pardon!"
"What make is your sax?
"What?"
"It looks like a Selmer but I've never seen one with a bar under the crook."
"Oooh really. Poor you! I'm afraid you've got the wrong guy," he said.
"Look, I've been watching you all night," I said. "I'm not stupid."
"You might not be but you've got the wrong guy this time."

Annoyed, I zipped up, washed my hands and went back outside. The saxophone was sitting in its stand on the stage. The prat with the strange saxophone was still in the washroom. Just my luck to try to talk to a real prima donna.I stormed back to the table and told the story about the awkward son of a bitch. Mrs B. looked at me and said,
"Are you sure you got the right guy?"
"Of course I got the right guy. Dark hair, moustache, green corduroy jacket. Not many guys like that in here. I don't care how good a player he is. The guy's a prat."
"Well I don't know who you were just talking to but the tenor guy is in the bandroom. He went back there when you went for a pee."
"No he's in the washroom. I was just speaking to him."

At that moment the bandroom door opened and the tenor player came out. Over by the washroom a man with a moustache and a green corduroy jacket was pointing me out to a group of guys who all waved and blew me a kiss.

Great Bass Playing

If you're into great bass playing and you have time at Thanksgiving - read on. I've downloaded two CDs from Laurence Cottle's site. Laurence Cottle Live that I borrowed from the library years ago and Five Seasons. If you like bass players both are superb value at $4.95 each. In fact they would be good value at twice that price. The download includes both Microsoft and Apple versions and the CD artwork and liners.

Normally I have a thing about buying MP3s. I prefer to buy the album or the CD but if the artist is selling direct - that's another matter entirely.You can listen to 3 tracks from 5 Seasons and two from "Live" on Laurence Cottle's site. And you get to hear the full track rather than 30 secs of introduction.

Laurence Cottle - Bass Guitar, Graham Harvey - Fender Rhodes, Nigel Hitchcock - Alto Sax, Gerard Presencer - Trumpet, Ian Thomas - Drums on "Live", Laurence Cottle - Bass Guitar, Richard Cottle - Keyboards, Nigel Hitchcock - Sax, Jeremy Stacey - Drums, Ian thomas - Drums, Mike Bradley - Drums, Paul Stacey - Guitar on "Five Seasons".

The Giant Pole

A long pole appeared in the yard at the back of the house. My father dug a four foot hole and sank the pole into it and there it stood in splendid isolation for years. It was about fifteen feet high. The neighbours all thought that it was a flag pole but it wasn't. It was a climbing pole.

I spent hours shinning up and down it. I was the best giant pole climber in the area which wasn't surprising because no one else had one.

In a field not far from where we lived there was another pole, a real flag pole and I decided I'd climb that one too. Our pole was smooth and great for sliding back down. This pole was rough and reduced my shorts to something resembling a mini-skirt. It could have been worse I suppose.

Cartoon from The Reign of Ellen. Click the cartoon for a larger version.

Monk & Coltrane Live At Carnegie Hall

This morning there was no frost so I made the decision to drive to town. What a mistake. Tuesdays appears to be "walking dead" day and I really do dislike being surrounded by old people especially when they are shopping.
"Come along Henry. What exactly are you looking for?"
"I thought something light my dear. Something I could wear round the house."
"That's a good idea Henry. What about one of these sweaters?"
"Oh no dear, they're a bit too heavy for me."
They moved on to the next rack of sweaters. I went home.

Monk Quartet with John Coltrane

I've web ordered a recording of Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane recorded live at Carnegie Hall in 1957. The tape had been lost for 48 years and its release in September was described by the Village Voice as the jazz event of 2005.

The tapes from that evening at Carnegie Hall were inadequately labeled, filed away amongst the Voice of America’s vast collection of recordings, and apparently forgotten until January 2005 when Larry Appelbaum, a supervisor and jazz specialist at the Library of Congress, came upon them by chance during the routine process of digitally transferring the Library’s collection for preservation purposes.

Texas sues Sony BMG

Texas has become the first state to sue the US record group over its use of embedded copyright protection software in its music CDs.

Bass Guitars Cigarettes & Sex

Listen to Wail by Laurence Cottle from The Snakeranch Sessions - 1996. Laurence Cottle bass, Nigel Hitchcock alto, Robin Aspland piano, Mike Bradley drums, Gary Hammond percussion. If you're not into jazz try Headless Cross by Black Sabbath. Same guy on bass but I guess he's grown some more fingers since then!

Mailbox

"67% of women are not happy with me" writes Louie Kane. Things could be worse Louie it could be 100% of women. Let's face it, 33% of women is still a lot to choose from.

Smokers

Smokers really need to stick together these days. During the current cold spell a couple on a UK train warmed up with oral sex, then progressed to full sex and finally lit up a cigarette each.
As usual nobody took any notice or objected until they started smoking.

Congratulations

Warmest Bogsville congratulations to Billy June and his wife on the birth of their daughter April Mae June. Nice work Billy!

Which Emergency Service?

The call came through at about 3.30pm.

"Which emergency service do you require?"
"Police please," whispered the tiny voice on the other end of the phone. "Please tell them to come quickly."
"Can you tell me where you live?"
Again the whisper.
"246 Charles Street. The house is on fire."
"Do you need the fire men as well?"
"No they're already here."
"Are you OK?"
"Yes," came the whisper again, "well I am at the moment. Please ask the police to hurry. I'm really frightened."
"Are your parents there? Are they safe?"
"Yes."
"Are they with you?"
"No. They're with the firemen. They're all searching for me," the voice whispered again."They don't know where I am."
"Why aren't you with them? Where are you?"
"I'm down here hiding under the bed with the box of matches."

1,000,000 Sandbags

The American Military require 1,000,000 sandbags, final destination: The Middle East, to fortify troop positions.

The only problem appears to be that the bags have to be marked "Made in the U.S.A.". As a result, immediately available sandbags made in the Far East are rejected by the military. End result the order won't be met.

You'd think that George Bush could have a word with someone out there in China. I suspect the sandbags would be available tomorrow.

Original story by The Dayton Underground.

Heard about?

Did you hear about the woman who named her child "Nosmo King" after the sign on the delivery room door?

Sweet Nuthin's

Saturday in Bogsville promises to be a real tester. Raul is away testing the water in his country retreat and Merl is off up North testing whether a grandfather clock will fit in his motor. End result - Milt is left to his own devices. It is an ideal opportunity to go and test a different watering hole rather than do Sweet Nuthin's.

That was one of my favorite tracks when I was a 16 year old kid. It was certainly the first recording by a female that I identified with.

Brenda Lee, I never washed my hand. Well not for at least twelve months anyway. And I keep playing the track - who played the tenor sax? I suspect that it was Boots Randolph.

Emails

IF YOU ARE GREEK READ CAREFULLY and mail this information to 5 Greeks abroad.

Unfortunately I am not Greek and don't know any Greeks abroad.

Finally I somehow got mailed this cracker by miginno@uk2.net.

For my adored Javis,
I have watched you silently peek at these on many occasions.
This day, I think you really deserve a gift.
ConsistentlyI see you working hard and not getting much in return, but I
know you want so much one of these rep lica-watches.
You may want to purchase more than one. That's ok. Splurge on yourself.

I just love those rep lica-watches! Excuse me while I go splurge on myself.

Off To The Tyre Shop

The outside temperature is 0.6°C which is a little cold for me. Volvo is sitting in the driveway with a punctured rear tyre. When the frost has gone I'm off to the local tyre shop. I pumped up the tyre late yesterday afternoon and couldn't see or feel anything sticking out of the treads or tyre walls.

Given that I am convinced that Volvo is trying to kill me, I hardly ever drive anywhere so it beats me how I pick up so many nails or screws or whatever, but pick them up I do, with monotonous regularity.

Last time it was an industrial staple right through the centre of the tread. At least I was able to get a repair on that one. The time before it was a screw through the sidewall and the time before that a six inch nail that some fun loving kid had wedged up against the tyre at an angle so that I drove it right in when I reversed out of the driveway.

Think I'll blame it all on the people at the end of the road who "got the builders in" over a year ago and have still got them there now. So far they seem to have had a two bedroom extension over the garage that required the roof to be extended by one third its original length, a loft conversion, a conservatory, a set of hand made designer oak garage doors, plastic windows, a powerboat and a BMW M3, neither of which appears to fit in the extended garage. Meanwhile Volvo has picked up two rear flats and it's pissing me orf.

Later

Turns out both rear tyres were write offs. I now have a perfectly matched new pair at the front and a couple of old scrubbers at the rear. Woo-hoo! On the way back home I nipped in to see Duayne, the "No I'm not doing it like that it'd stick up on top" mad barber, so I now know all the local dirt, have a collar that feels like it's full of pins and hair that just sticks out on one side. He also has a heavy head cold that he seemed very keen to pass on to unsuspecting customers.

Sony copy-protected CD problems

Microsoft's announcement that it would provide software to remove the offending copy protection code appears to have been the last straw for Sony. The company said that it was suspending production of the CDs and then offered to replace the 2.1 million discs that had been sold and withdraw a further 2.6 million from the shelves.

It seems that the software from UK company First4Internet that Sony had been using to prevent unauthorised copying of its music CDs, contains code 'infringing the copyright of several open source projects'. They seem to be losing the moral highground here.

A Matching Pair

The phone rang.
"Hello it's the optician's here. Could you tell Mrs Bogs that her contact lenses have arrived?"
"Yes of course. I'm glad you phoned. I meant to phone you to book an eye test."
"Just let me check the computer. Right, it's a contact lens and an eye test. Who do you usually see?"
"Erm, it's a man."
"Well I could fit you in at 2.50 with Tracey if that suits you."

That suited me just fine. Tracey is blonde and very tall and much better looking than the man. She is also far better at making sales than the man.

End result was that three hours later I had not only agreed to change my contact lenses for a more expensive brand, had had the insides of my eyes digitally photographed for posterity and been told that I didn't have "a matching pair" but I had also agreed to buy a pair of spectacles with varifocal lenses for when I didn't want to wear my contact lenses.

I didn't need varifocals to notice that Tracey didn't have a matching pair either but I suspect that a few more customers like me and she'll be driving a brand new Porsche. It's amazing how quickly love changes a guy's priorities and his ability to think rationally.

Burn body fat

Ollie Granger has emailed inviting me to burn body fat. Unfortunately we live in a smokeless zone, otherwise I'd give it a go. Can anyone help me out here - Do they sell it in bags ready for the open fire or do you have to have it piped direct to the boiler?

Pigeons Join The Dudley Pig Ban

The illegal, celebratory air bombs have been going off again tonight. That makes it every single night since the beginning of November.

I suspect that tonight we were celebrating the locally observed festival of don't feed the pigeons.Please note that I didn't mention pigs in case I upset someone working for Dudley Council Finance Department.

Daily pig fix

If there is someone reading this from Dudley Council Finance Department who is missing his or her daily pig fix may I suggest you visit Sugar Mountain Farm's site.

Walter Jeffries from Sugar Mountain assures me that many of the pig pictures have large versions (click on them to get the big size) so they can be downloaded and saved to your pigless computer there in the Dudley Council Finance Department as backgrounds, wall paper and desktop pictures!

Seriously though

I suspect that there must be a lot of folk there in Dudley who are sick and tired of being patronized by the good old boys working for that Council.

Selective Legislation

The carrying of knives is banned in UK schools. Sounds fair enough to me. No one wants to be cut or stabbed.

You will have to excuse my cynicism in commenting on Wrekin MP Mark Pritchard who told the House of Commons that in introducing legislation allowing schools and further education establishments to search pupils and students for knives "It is important that communities are not offended."

"Does my hon. Friend agree that the Government also need to consider religious dress and that they should be sensitive to those who wear religious dress to school? Given that they have tabled the new clause, which relates to higher education, is not it the case that we now have a new problem of adults who carry religious knives? That is a sign of adulthood in Sikh communities such as mine in Shropshire. It is important that those communities are not offended and that the Government realise that Sikh male adulthood includes carrying ceremonial knives.
Hansard."

Hope you don't mind me saying this Mark Pritchard but I would prefer that someone is offended rather than that someone is stabbed.

24 hour drinking

The introduction of 24 hour drinking in the UK next week won't bother the inhabitants of numbers 10 and 11 Downing Street at all.

Their local pub, The Red Lion, which is opposite the end of Downing Street, applied for a licence in August to allow it to serve alcohol until 1.00am on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays and until midnight on Sundays, Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The pub also applied for a licence for live music, karaoke and dancing. Guess what. The application was rejected because granting it might cause a nuisance in the neighborhood.

It all sounds like selective legislation to me.

It's a man thing

As a matter of fact mine is quite large now. I expect it to get even larger.

Chinese Dentist Revisited

I've just remembered that I have an appointment with my Chinese Tooth Fairy this morning. This means that I will have to venture into the world that exists outside the safe confines of Bogsville. If you listen carefully you can hear my heart pounding. Yes well, it was actually Johnny Kidd and The Pirates from 45 years ago.

I survived. Arrived late as usual thanks to the traffic. I fed her a few of my best "come and get me" lines but the lady remained inscrutable and offered to see me again in six months time. She was either being polite or is far more optimistic than I am. Even the church signs I see always end with "God willing!"

Pavement drawings

Have you seen the 3D pavement art produced by Julian Beever? I spotted it about 6 months ago and meant to do a post about it.





They are amazing. Go and have a look at Julian Beever's site. God willing!

Lady Golfers To Contest Open Championship

The Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews has grudgingly agreed to allow women golfers to contest its Open Championship, if they qualify of course. About time too.

The guys should welcome ladies like Cristie Kerr who won the LPGA Longs Drugs Challenge held in Lincoln California. She finished with a four day 8 under par total of 280 and a magnificent trophy. Maybe those Royal and Ancients are worried about ladies getting their hands on their trophy.

Bogsville lecture

The title of Lena Bosomworthy's inaugural lecture this Tuesday at Bogsville's Spam City Hall will, be "Magnetic glass dildos, WOW!".

Entry for over fifties is free and practical participation is encouraged. Doors open at 2.00pm. Please be early. Refreshments will be available as and when necessary.

iPod Case

Here's a great project for anyone who is looking for a custom case for an iPod or just about anything else, come to that.

Sony Bug Helps Virus Writers

The back of a bench is often more interesting than its front. Here's the proof that sitting for too long on benches can be linked with hemorrhoids.

Sony CD Bug

Sophos have produced a piece of software that uncloaks and removes Sony's XCP copy-protection technology. When discs with XCP are played on a computer, the listener is asked to click through a consent form and install the copy-protection software which is designed to limit the number of copies that can be made of the CD and to prevent a computer user from making unprotected MP3s of the music.

Unfortunately XCP could be used by virus writers to make their malicious code invisible. Sophos reports that Sony's DRM (Digital Rights Management) copy protection included on some of their recent CDs is introducing a vulnerability which hackers and virus writers are able to exploit.

Sony BMG announced 11/11/05 they will stop producing cd's with the DRM rootkit technology. But, it's only a temporary move. Partial list of Sony CDs to avoid if you have a Windows based computer. Alternatively, disable automatic update and keep the ctrl key pressed as the CD boots. I'll stick to my LPs. Thanks but no thanks Sony and keep your damn code off my computer.

Boots Of Spanish Leather

My ears weren't designed to work with mp3 players. The bloody ear pieces either hurt or fall out. Never mind, I actually got them to stay in long enough to listen to Boots of Spanish Leather by Bob Dylan, so I am now feeling like I should be going somewhere exotic and foreign.

I can vaguely remember listening to the track on a hotel balcony and staring at the most beautiful dark haired lady I'd ever seen. She didn't speak any English and I didn't know any Spanish but life's like that sometimes.

It's like this too.
"All along the watchtower, princes kept the view
While all the women came and went, barefoot servants, too."

A Lousy Teacher

Handy, the science teacher, was a total jackass. I couldn't stand him. Discipline in his 1963 boys only school class was maintained by a smack to the back of an unsuspecting head. He was a lousy teacher so the smack round the back of the head was a common occurrence.

Handy swore by it. Said it was what the kids needed and was the only thing that they respected. This dubious technique appeared to serve him well enough until one day when he decided that a tall, blond 14 year old, named Davies, was in need of a little discipline.

Handy walked over to where Davies was sitting and lashed out with his right hand. There was a crack, the kid's head shot forward and one of his eye popped out and rolled slowly across the classroom floor.

The science guy stood there staring at it in horror. All the color drained from his face. There wasn't a sound in the room.

After a few seconds Davies stood up, wandered over to where his eye lay on the floor, picked it up, popped it into his mouth and walked out of the room. Eventually Handy followed him. Five minutes later Davies came back in and sat down at his desk. The eye was back in its rightful place.

What Handy hadn't known was that Davies had lost an eye in an accident when he was five and the doctors had fitted him with a perfectly fitting glass eye. As his body grew ever larger, the glass eye got ever looser and started to pop out more and more frequently. If the eye came out Davies would stick it in his mouth and then reinsert it. It had happened on numerous occasions in the school yard and in the local parks. The only person in the room who was shocked by what had happened was slaphappy Handy.

Davies was a pain in the ass. None of the kids liked him and most had been bullied by him but on that particular day he not only saved future generations of boys from getting a painful smack on the head but also taught a lousy teacher a valuable lesson.

The pygmies strike back

The British foreign secretary, Jack Straw, today accused Britain's former ambassador to Washington of "breaking trust" by publishing his highly revealing memoirs. And quite right too. The fact that the British Government is made up of pygmies is supposed to be a well kept secret.

DC Confidential - Sir Christopher Meyer

I've ordered a copy of DC Confidential by Sir Christopher Meyer, former British Ambassador to the US.
The book is currently being serialized in the Guardian and the Mirror newspapers.

Writing about US visits by New Labour ministers Meyer writes"There was a minority of capable ministers, who stood out like Masai warriors in a crowd of pygmies."

At a casual dress do at the White House, chinos, no jeans, "Blair put on a pair of ball-crushingly tight dark-blue corduroys. I was later told that his wardrobe for the weekend had been the result of intensive debate within No 10." No mention of Cabinet discussion of course.

The pygmies strike back

The British foreign secretary, Jack Straw, today accused Britain's former ambassador to Washington of "breaking trust" by publishing his highly revealing memoirs. And quite right too. The fact that the British Government is made up of pygmies is supposed to be a well kept secret.

Time for a drink

Yes I know I posted it before but I always liked the tune.

Projector tv

The installation of the bargain, slightly used, projector tv was more difficult and time consuming than anyone had anticipated and the lounge extension failed to gain universal approval.

I now think that one of those flat panel lcd or plasma screen models might have been more appropriate.

Eye Hospital Appointment

Visit Bogsville and disappear. It's hardly as romantic a phrase as "See Capri and keel over" but that's inappropriate somehow. Fact remains that I sit here and separate the wheat from the chaff. I post a permanent link to the seriously interesting and gifted and somehow the act of permanent linking renders the blogger incapable of producing another word or note and I'm left with some of the best blind links on the web.

Much the same thing happened when I discovered Chaucer, Shakespeare, Mozart and Elvis. Their creativity somehow just dried up. Mind you I think I spotted Elvis in the supermarket yesterday so you never know... Well it was a Waitrose store.

Eye Eye

This afternoon I am booked into the local eye hospital. I gather that they will dilate my pupils so that they can climb in and have a good look round. Well whatever turns you on.
I don't know why they bother, my pupils are always dilated when I see all those nurses in their little blue uniforms.

"No Milt. We are not going to dilate you. I'm going to anesthetize your eyeballs and measure the pressures. Yes you could have driven here. Yes I appreciate that the letter said we would be dilating your pupils and that you should, on no account drive. It's a standard letter you see. Your next appointment is six months from now. Make sure you drive, even if the letter says not to. Now go home and let us deal with people who actually have something wrong with their eyes."
Suitably chastened and anesthetized, I exited left before she volunteered to anesthetize anything else.

No Lunch Today

I don't celebrate lunchtime. I rarely eat lunch and if I do eat anything between midday and two o'clock it usually tries to find its way back to freedom and the outside world. I put this inability to eat sensibly, down to an experience from many years ago that has shaped my eating habits ever since.

It was lunchtime so we all traipsed off to the student dining hall. Waitress service would you believe. I didn't approve of the idea of people clearing up after snotnosed kids but what could you do? It was a tradition. It was also the end of my relationship with lunch, because whenever I sat down, a waitress uniformed woman whose soul mission in life seemed to be to please, would rush over.
This was flattering in the extreme. What more could a young man ask of life? Hot food served by a dedicated woman.
Well a dedicated woman with more than one eye for a start. I don't just mean that she was blind in one eye although she undoubtedly was. I don't mean that she had a prosthetic eye, a glass eye or whatever you want to call it. I mean that she had an empty space where an eye had once been. No eye patch, nothing but an empty, sightless socket. Once I'd spotted that socket, I was finished. I certainly couldn't think about food.
"That woman's got an eye missing."
"Yes I know. It's a mess isn't it? These pickled onions are good aren't they? Don't you want that beef? If you're not going to eat it, pass it over. I'm starving."
No one else seemed bothered by the empty socket. They ate everything the woman put in front of them and then they ate my lunch too.
After a week it got so bad that I'd stare at the tablecloth, scared to look up in case I spotted the woman and her empty eye socket.
"Don't look up Milt, she's coming over."
But it was no use. I couldn't stop myself. That damn eye socket always required my full attention. I'd look up fascinated and my stomach would turn over and knot up in revulsion. After a couple of months I broke the lunch habit and made do with cigarettes and coffee. It's a habit that's been with me ever since.

wherethewildgeesego

I believe that this inspired entry carries the first ever known miltbogs blog comment. It is a great pity that the blog dried up. It was quite simply stunning in its minimalistic approach to the use of language. A masterpiece waiting to be discovered and well worth a visit.

Sex For All

Update

I left home without my key. I got into the Tulip & Tiara no problem. The problem came when I tried to get back in the house. Oh dear - how are the mighty fallen. Sad thing is that I'm not even mildly inebriated, just embarrassed.

Gasms

Just thought that a gasm or two would be a good way to start off Monday morning, so here are 21 that I would like to share with you. Twenty one gasms and it's not even 9.00am yet. Woo-hoo!

bargasm - sex at the Tulip & Tiara
bloggergasm - sex on the web
blundergasm - what a mistake!
boregasm - sex just to shut somebody up
choregasm - here we go again
foregasm - premature ejaculation
goodneighborgasm - just here to help you out
intrudergasm - sex with a burglar
lawgasm - legal sex
lowergasm - sex for short people
minorgasm - a total waste of time
moregasm - demanding sex
rumorgasm - forgettable sex
roargasm - exceptional sex
scoregasm - ten a side team sex
seniorgasm - elderly sex
shoregasm - sex by the sea
soregasm - in a hurry no foreplay sex
snoregasm - fall asleep in the middle of it sex
storegasm -- sex at the supermarket
thundergasm - result of a stormy relationship
tourgasm - sex on a bus trip

All gasms personally tested and recommended by tantric sex expert, Thaddeus Lesser. I'm sure you can think of many other, far better, gasms. Please share them with me. I am the soul of discretion.

Four Beers And A Lager

The bar area was empty. The band was coming to the end of a set so I went to get the drinks in before the paying crowd got the same idea.

I wandered over to a section of the bar where a barmaid was standing poised for action. I glanced down at the coins in my hand to see if I'd got enough to pay without breaking into another note.

"Hi. What can I get you?" she asked.
"Four beers please," I said looking up at her, "and ..."
I stopped mid sentence because she wasn't looking at me, she was staring over my right shoulder.
"I'm sorry," I said and looked round to see who she was serving. The bar was empty. There was nobody there at all except me and the barmaid. I looked back at her.
Her right eye was fixed on me. It was a very nice eye. Her left eye seemed to have a mind of its own and gazed crazily out into a secret world somewhere over my right shoulder.
"You finished with that order or you going to keep me in suspense all night?"
"Four beers and ... a lager please."
I paid for the drinks, took them over to a table and sat down, waiting for the other guys to come through.
When I looked back at the bar, one of the girl's eyes, the crazy one, was still fixed on me, the other was serving the next customer.

Herzliche Glückwünsche Tristan

I've just remembered that Tristan over there in Ahrensburg ist heute, bereits zwei Jahre alt. Unglaublich! Herzliche Glückwünsche Tristan aus Bogsville.

Driveby justice

The phantom water bomber has suffered a minor injury. Thanks for that STN. My check is in the post.

Braindead In Bogsville

Some readers may suspect that Milt and the Tulip & Tiara are mere figments of the imagination. Nothing could be further from the truth. I assure you that both Milt and the Tulip do exist and to prove it I will publish yet another email that I received yesterday.

Dear Milt,
No, I'm not advocating compulsory euthanasia for the over-45s (subject header - Putting you out of your misery). Instead, knowing you're probably suffering sleepless nights
wondering about the personnel on my 'Nightstalker' music,

Jamie Talbot - sax
Dave Hartley - piano
Hugh Burns - guitar
Geoff Gascoyne - bass
Ralph Salmins - drums

Needless to say, it was great to meet you again in the Tulip & Tiara the other week, and I was honoured to be subsequently mentioned in the blog. Which I am still reading every day! (That Russian girl looks nice, doesn't she?)

Anyway, I'd better let you go now, because I know you need to visit the shops to buy armfuls of fireworks for bonfire night.
O.L.

When the full script of Braindead In Bogsville is finished and has been snapped up by a film company, I trust that you will write the music for it.

The Russian connection

It is obvious to me that some people failed to follow the link in yesterday's post that exposed the sting in the tail of the "cri de coeur" from Russia. It was nothing more than a cruel scam designed to part vulnerable old dreamers like Milt from their cash. If there is a genuine lady in need out there in Russia, or anywhere else come to that, with a desire to make contact, all she has to do is leave a comment or email Milt direct and he'll do whatever he can to help. He's like that.

Poetry corner

Some time ago I published the only known poem by F.J.Beasley.

If wine and women hold no joys
Try bottled beer and little boys.
And if for these you have no use
Try lemonade and self abuse.

I have now discovered yet another fragment.

All animals are strictly dry;
they sinless live and swiftly die,
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
survive for three-score years and ten
And some of us (the mighty few)
stay pickled till we're 92!

Russian Girl In Need

I hope you don't think I'm bragging but it looks like Milt's life is on the up and it's all without the use of viagra! Out there there's a beautiful 25 year old woman requesting Milt's help and she is just what I need for the weekend!

How do I know about this maiden in distress? Because she emailed me, that's how and she's got my hormones pinballing around like I was 16 again! Read on but remember that this is our secret. I'm only telling you because I trust you. I certainly don't want this information to find its way to Raul.

"Hello my hope!
I am not sure you get this message but if you got I want you to know that I want to travel to your country to work in two weeks and I just want to meet right man.
I live in Russia and my goal is to leave this country because it is impossible to live here for young pretty woman. if you have not wife or girlfriend, maybe we could try to meet? I am 25 years old, I will tell you more about me and send you a picture when you reply. Please write to me directly to my mail- eliz@realmeet.info
Email I am writing from right now is not mine. Make sure you write to my personal address.
See you soon."

I am, by nature, a cautious man. Some might prefer the word "timid" there, so I'm contacting my pal Google to see what I can dig up about eliz@realmeeet.

Shite! My hopes have been cruelly dashed, my bubble has been burst. So I guess it's back to the emails.

Luckily my spirits and hormone levels are once again sky high thanks to this mail from Hyacinth Drippy and Milagros Worley.

Age reversal therapy

"As Seen on NBC, CBS, CNN and even Oprah! And now on Milt's Page too.
The Health Discovery that Actually Reverses Aging while Burning Fat, without Dieting or Exercise!
Forget Aging and Dieting Forever!
Change Your Life Forever!"

Hyacinth, could you please pop round any time today to reverse my aging? I don't really need to lose weight but I am experiencing a few cravings.
p.s. Please leave Milagros at home because I prefer privacy while having "my life changed forever".

A Quieter Night

It was quieter last night. There was only sporadic sniping and the occasional bomb blast here in the suburbs.

Misery

I have a cold, the weather is lousy, it's 3.00pm and getting dark. Therefore I am going to hibernate. Before I crawl under the nearest pile of dry leaves I'll leave you with Fever by Peggy Lee. "Fever - I'm afire, fever yea I burn forsooth."

Hibernation

Hibernation didn't work. Anyone got any tips?

Driven Carkers By Crackers

Found in the Calcutta Telegraph.

"Has the price of crackers gone down over the past few years?
Yes, there been a considerable decline in th cracker prices in the paet few years and that is the reason why the one time up market carkers like the multi coloured lighting crackers are now within reach of even the ordinary people."

Those "carkers" are certainly within the reach of even the ordinary people here in leafy Bogsville because I'm having to sit with all the windows and doors hermetically sealed, being driven "carkers" by what sounds like the outbreak of World War 3.

I am reliably informed that it is in fact just the opening shots of either Diwali, the Hindu festival of lights, or November 5. I'm sorry but this deafening and totally unacceptable row has been going on overhead, without a break, for well over six hours now. I hate to think how much money is going up in smoke.

An organized celebration is one thing but this is people just being downright inconsiderate.

How about lighting a few candles, putting the air bomb money in a collection box and donating it to disaster agencies? That way people who are desperately in need of help would benefit and I would be able to walk around feeling safe and get a decent night's sleep.

While you prats are having fun celebrating a whole week of Halloween, Diwali and November 5,

• terrorist bombs in New Delhi killed almost 60 people and wounded more than 150 others,
• a suicide car bomb exploded in Kashmir's Srinigar, killing two policeman and three passers-by and wounding a dozen more people,
• a roadside bomb aimed at a US military convoy in Iraq's Triangle of Death hit a minibus, killing five Iraqis and wounding six,
• a car bomb exploded in Basra, killing at least 20 people and injuring about 40
• a memorial service was held at St Paul's Cathedral for the victims and survivors of the July 7 London bombings.

As far as I'm concerned if you are crazy enough to be "carkers" about loud bangs, get a job with a damn demolition company.

Clandestine Camera Humiliation

He doesn't smoke. He doesn't swear. He's neither married nor in a relationship. He's here, he's available and he needs a date.

Miss Roseberry is no more

Thanks to eagle eyed blog sleuth Cheryl I have the evidence to prove that my trusted trainer has been operating a clandestine video camera during our fitness sessions. My lawyer has the still from what she called "a pushup session" to prove it. No - I have to warn you - do not even think of going there. There is only so much public humiliation that a guy can be expected to suffer in the name of fitness. I am therefore temporarily between trainers so to speak and as far as I am concerned Miss Roseberry and her broken heart can go fish.

OMO

Is there anyone out there who remembers the packets of OMO washing powder? They used to appear on display in the windows of houses and then disappear just as quickly. The significance of the packet on display in the window had nothing to do with wash day. It was the bored housewife's signal "Old Man Out". In some houses, or so rumor has it, it was always wash day and there was always a man ready to pop it in for the lady of the house whether the model was a top or front loader.

Tip Off

The water balloon bomber seems to have tired of using conventional water weaponry and moved on to eggs. I have received a tip off that may lead to the identification of the sad prat. My informant was unwilling to name names but identified the vehicle as belonging to one particular local street. We shall see.

Name Change

As the result of a post by Painting Chef about changing names, I have now changed my name to Burnet Droolhover II. This should help to convince people that I am not who my wife and offspring think I am. I can't imagine why I didn't think of it before.