It Must Be Spring

Track of the day It's Raining Men.

It must be Spring because out there in the garden the frogs and toads have been busy and the bees are starting to get to work.

I, on the other hand, can't think of a thing to write except that it appears to have been raining men.

Mangalitza Pig

Track of the day Dîner Au Motel - Miles Davis.



If I had my way, the sound of "Here piggy, piggy. Here piggy, piggy." would be ringing out round Bogsville because I have fallen in love with these amazing fleecy grunters.

According to the BBC the Mangolitza pig is a rare breed found in Hungary. It's so rare that it isn't found on either Google or Yahoo.

I suspect that this sad state of affairs is about to change because the 'Mangolitza' is, in fact, a Mangalitza, or woolly pig. Get your facts right BBC. No wonder Google and Yahoo were struggling.

Hair Design

Track of the day My Head's In Mississippi - ZZTop.

Made the mistake once of watching a tv programme about holiday reps in Ibiza.

A young Welsh guy thought his lack of success with the girls could be sorted if he had a Nike swoosh shaved into the back of his head. After a few beers, his "friends" volunteered to do it for him.

The poor guy paraded himself round the resort showing off his new hairstyle but got nothing but ridicule. Eventually his friends gave him a mirror so that he could see their handiwork. It somehow reminded me of David Beckham.

I'll have to go and see Duayne the mad barber to see if he can do me a Goodyear, Dunlop or Pirelli. This Goodyear tread design gets my vote. It's definitely a lot better than the Nike swoosh in the first picture. Unfortunately, writing about hair stuff has reminded me that it's dog shampoo day again innit?

Beckham's Hindi Tattoo

Track of the day Victoria - The Kinks.

I sit here staring in disbelief at a newspaper picture of the inside of David Beckham's left forearm. I'm wondering if he got it done at the same market stall where Mrs B. got my latest tube of toothpaste. Research tells me that it represents his wife's name written in a beautiful Hindi script. The only problem is that it is spelt incorrectly. The tattoo spells Victoria with an added "h" i.e. Vihctoria.

Pademesh Gupta, editor of Hindi-language magazine Purvai described it as a "silly mistake" and said that anyone who could read Hindi would spot it instantly. He's assuming that the tattoo artist made the mistake. I'm not so sure.

Never mind, could have been worse, it could have read, "I is a complite twaattt".

MP Pensions Boosted By Tobacco Shares

Track of the day Groovin High - Toots Thielemans.

While Ministers and Members of the Scottish Parliament are busy solving Scotland's health problems by banning smoking in enclosed spaces, they are busy protecting their own pensions by investing a quarter of a million pounds of public money in tobacco companies.

Their pension fund apparently holds a £177,740 stake in Imperial Tobacco, manufacturers of Embassy, Regal and Lambert & Butler, £37,787 worth of shares in Altria, the makers of Marlboro and a £41,986 holding in Japan Tobacco, the producers of Camel.

According to a story in yesterday's TimesOnline "the price of some of the tobacco shares have trebled since 1999, helping to boost the fund’s value to £14m."

The article also points out that the fund has invested £258,000 in drinks companies like Diageo, owners of Smirnoff, Guinness, Gordon's and Bell's. Next month they are introducing yet another alcopop range to tempt people who don't like the traditional taste of beer or spirits. That should really boost the pension fund.

What a bunch of sanctimonious hypocrites!

Lost & Found

Track of the day Two Princes - Spin Doctors.

The Transport for London Lost Property Office is one of the largest lost property offices in the UK handling more than 130,000 items.
In one year, it can hold 20,846 books including cheque books, credit cards, 19,583 items of clothing, 24,084 handbags and purses and 10,614 mobile phones.

Only 25% of the mobile phones are reunited with their owners, so when my old friend Ranswick Peabody found a mobile phone on the bus the other day, he decided to take direct action to return it to its owner.

Ranswick: "Hello, I just found this phone on the bus, and your number is in the memory under Mum so it must belong to your son or daughter."
Woman on phone: "Oh that's great, it must be Steve's, thanks so much, I'll get him to ring you."
Ranswick: "You're welcome."
One minute later the phone rang.
Ranswick: "Hello?"
Woman on phone: "Steve, they've found your phone!"

Mother's Day

Mrs B. is not a happy mummy. Mother's Day seems to have been overlooked by the boys. Oh well - c'est la vie. My fault for not reminding them.

Scotland Smoke Ban

Track of the day Le Petit Bal - Miles Davis.

As from 6:00am tomorrow smokers in Scotland will be banned from lighting up in enclosed spaces including restaurants, bars, offices and delivery vans. They will be able to smoke in their prison cells and in the back of police cars on the way to the local 'nick'.

In 2004, in a speech about what makes Scotland one of the unhealthiest countries in Europe, Scotland's First Minister Jack McConnel said,

"There are still national habits which hold us back - the time has come for this parliament to accelerate improvements in health. Health rates are lamentable because of a lack of exercise, drugs abuse, excessive drinking and over-eating.They all make us one of the most unhealthy countries in Europe, and too many smoke."

Nice job Jack, just "lack of exercise, drugs abuse, excessive drinking and over-eating" to go. While you're pondering your next move, don't forget that low incomes, unemployment, poor housing, a run down environment, and high levels of crime all play a part too.

Excuse me while I light up.

Neighbourhood Watch

Track of the day Roundabout - Yes.

It's Friday and Bogsville's bin day again. Bogsvillians rush out on Thursday nights and block the pavements with their bins chock full of instant food packaging, empty beer cans and wine bottles ready for collection early on Friday mornings, which is all a bit pointless because the lorry doesn't arrive until 11:00am. We were all issued with little green goody boxes to fill with glass and paper for recycling but as the glass and paper is only collected once a fortnight, the serious drinkers of Bogsville continue to use the ordinary bins.

Really serious drinkers like the medical guy next door, fill their bins under cover of darkness and clank them out to the kerbside just as I'm trying to get to sleep. You never see these people in local bars but they pack more alcohol away every night than I do in a week. Maybe they should breath-test medicals before they perform in operating theatres.

Neighbourhood Watch

A new set of binoculars was delivered to Bogsville Heights today. They promise to give a whole new meaning to the term 'Neighbourhood Watch'. I plan to keep a close watch on all tit activity in the area. I'm hoping to spot a few 'great busted chicks' too. I'm sorry, that should have read 'great bustard chicks'. I blame it on the predictive text tools.

A Very Old Dog Innit?

Track of the day Ants Marching - Dave Matthews Band.

The sun was shining so I marched off outside with Mrs B's laptop. Big mistake. There was a very cold north wind and the laptop flashed up messages about its battery running out of power. The thermometer claimed the outside temperature was 50F but it felt a lot colder than that. Up in the pond a couple of toads had been very active judging by the amount of spawn floating around.

First thing this morning Dog had his third bath in three weeks. The vet suggested one bath a week for a month. Vets have a knack of suggesting things like that. It makes me wonder whether any of them have ever kept a dog. I also wonder whether some of them have any veterinary qualifications at all. Last year Dog had to see a young guy who kept saying "innit" at the end of every sentence.

"You'll need to give him drops in both ears innit?
He's a very old dog innit?
Do you want to settle the bill right now innit?"

I was so busy listening for the next innit that I couldn't remember a single instruction he'd given me. I do remember joining in with a few 'aren't theys' that seemed to throw him a bit. He probably just thought I was thick.

"If there's a problem bring him back to the surgery, innit?"
"You're open until 7:00pm aren't they?"
"Yes but there's usually somebody here until 8:30pm innit?"
"Right I'll make a note of that then, aren't they?"
"Aren't they what?"
"What you just said innit?"
"What was that?"
"That there's usually someone here until 8:30pm innit?"
"That's right innit? I thought you were asking about somewhere else because you said 'aren't they', innit?"

I thought that was about as far as I should go with that so I paid up and took Dog home wasn't she?

Two Stories Of Neglect

Track of the day Jazz Me Blues - Eddie Condon - Baby Dodds.

Two horrendous stories of similar accidents involving children.

I've spent the last few days lost in early 1900 newspaper stories about drownings, suicides, limbs crushed in work and street accidents, drunken brawls, weddings, funerals, thefts of vegetables and coal and scarlet fever epidemics. Add to that stories of men being sent off to fight or returning home from the Boer War and I'm finally discovering the kind of history lesson that I hoped to get in school all those years ago.

Here's one that upset me,

"A shocking burning fatality occurred on Thursday evening at Broseley. Agnes May Hanley, aged two years and nine months, the daughter of Harry Hanley, a moulder in the Coalbrookdale Works, was placed in the charge of a neighbour, Louisa Williams, whilst the mother was at work in the pipe manufactory.
About five o’clock Mrs. Williams went out of her house and locked the door, leaving three children inside, including Agnes, but when she returned in five minutes she saw through the window the child Agnes in flames.
She failed to unlock the door, and two men with Harry Southern broke open the door, and brought the children out of the house. Agnes was burnt beyond recognition and expired shortly afterwards.
The boots of a 10 months-old baby were also burnt, but the daughter of Mrs. Williams fortunately escaped injury."

At the coroner's inquest, a few days later, it became apparent that

"Miss Williams had left the house at about five o’clock to fetch a pint of paraffin, leaving Hanley’s two children and her own child, aged 5½ years, in the kitchen, in which there was a small fire. She left the fireguard produced in front of the fire. She locked them in for safety.
She also went to the King’s Head for a pint of beer. She was not away more than five minutes, but when she reached the wicket she heard screams, and on looking through the window saw deceased in flames standing up near the fire, outside the guard. There was no doubt in the Coroner's mind that this was an accident, contributed to to some extent by the children being left alone in the house, He did not think there was any evidence to say that there was a case of manslaughter.
The verdict of the jury was that the deceased died from burns accidentally received.
The Coroner cautioned the witness Williams to be more careful in the future how she looked after any children committed to her care."

Yesterday The parents of two young boys who died in a fire after being locked in their bedroom, were jailed for neglect. Another horrendous event but I'm not convinced that yesterday's verdict in Northamptonshire was superior to the one passed in Shropshire in 1912.

Spring

Track of the day Cold Sweat - James Brown.

Yesterday was officially the first day of Spring.
Today it snowed.

Body In River

Track of the day No Blues - Miles Davis.

In July 1901 the Wellington Journal carried the following report of a body that had been found in the River Severn near Coalport.

"Samuel Lynall, labourer, Iron-Bridge, stated that he was down Coalport fishing with a coracle on the Friday, and was told there was a man in the river in the White House ford. He and Henry Potts got the body out. The water was only a foot deep.
There were two caps in the deceased’s pocket, as well as a knife, watch-case (without any works), silver knob of an old stick, and an old sixpence.
The body, which had evidently been in the river three weeks, was coloured. The man had sandy hair and whiskers but no moustache or beard. He wore a red muffler and two shirts.
Police-constable Harper from Madeley said he examined the body as well as he could. There were no marks of violence, and deceased was undoubtedly a tramp, about 40 or 50 years of age. His boots were in a very bad condition, and apparently had been repaired by himself.
The Coroner said there was nothing to show them how the deceased got into the river. He might have died on the banks and rolled in, or he might have been thrown in; perhaps he was hard up, and might have drowned himself.—
The verdict of the jury was "Found dead in the river. Deceased was buried on the same evening at Broseley Cemetery."

That's a very sad story. The coroner's conclusion that he might have died on the bank and rolled into the river, been thrown in or merely been hard up and drowned himself sounded to me like no one really cared one way or the other. Not a lot of sentimentality in 1901 Shropshire.

On the 3rd of August the following report appeared

"The clothing and articles found upon the body of a man who was found drowned in the River Severn, near Coalport, on July 19th, have been identified by Mrs. Mary Ann Lloyd of 200, Great Bricklyn Street, Wolverhampton, as belonging to her husband, Charles Lloyd, a labourer, aged 47, who left his home early on the morning of the 15th July, as she thought to go to his work. She had not seen him since. For the last 12 months the deceased had been in a depressed state of mind."

So there you are. Whether he rolled, was thrown or drowned himself is not recorded. At least I know he wasn't a tramp even if he repaired his own boots, wore two shirts and had a watch-case (without any works).

Men's Underwear

Track of the day After You've Gone - Gene Harris - Scott Hamilton - Harold Jones.

The days of nipping off to the local shop to get a new pair of underpants is long gone. Thanks to my tireless research of the term 'brass monkeys' I can now pass on a link to a brand of men's underwear that I've never come across before. The Brass Monkey brand seems to be very much an up and coming brand and their advertising campaigns do appear to be very much 'in your face'.

As further evidence of the fact that the modern world has well and truly passed me by, I can now reveal that I spent an hour or so enjoying Frank Capra's 1936 film, Mr Deeds Goes to Town, starring Gary Cooper and Jean Arthur. I'm happier with films that don't rely on gratuitous foul language etc. to grab my attention.

My problem is that my hypothalamus seems to be out of control and it's a well known fact that the hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
Fighting;
Fleeing;
Feeding; and yes
Mating.

Heaven Isn't As I Remember It

Track of the day If You're Not In It For Love - Shania Twain.

It's too damn cold outside. I'm waiting for Spring and nothing's happening. Last year the blossom was out on the trees at the front of the house but this year there aren't even any buds showing.

In time honoured fashion I decided to get off my backside and do something about it. I waited for a break between the snow showers and Volvoed off to see Grandpa in "Heaven". I wish I hadn't.

Heaven isn't as I remember it. The guy in the office suggested I went to Bogsville Town Hall to get a plot number and map reference that would show me where the grave was. I say was because "Heaven's" a bit overgrown and rundown these days. Some of the headstones are still upright but the graves themselves are either falling apart or overgrown with grass and weeds.
There's a military section that is well looked after and a Jewish section that looks cared for but the rest of the 24 acre site is a disgrace.
By the time I got home I was glad I wasn't a brass monkey. I'm sticking to my plot in the local shop window from where I'll be watching all the girls go by.

Three Steps To Heaven

Track of the day Three Steps To Heaven - Eddie Cochran.

I got very close to visiting Heaven when I was a kid.
The number 9 bus went straight past it and if you were sitting upstairs you could see over the wall and right inside. I remember that it was always sunny in there, the grass was green and there were a lot of bright flowers. It looked like a nice place for Grandpa to be and if we got off the bus right outside, just a few steps and we'd be in Heaven.
I'd got it all planned out and everything was fine until I announced that I wanted to go and see him.
"You can't go and see him. He's in Heaven," said Grandma.
"I know. The number 9 bus goes right past it," I told her.
"Don't be silly. You say the stupidest things sometimes." I got the distinct impression that she wasn't too pleased.
I tried to explain. I knew that Grandpa was buried behind the big wall on the number 9 bus route and that if he was in Heaven then Heaven must be the place behind the wall. It all seemed obvious to me. It wasn't obvious to Grandma.
Eventually she laughed thinking that that made everything ok but it didn't. I wasn't happy being told that I was stupid. I might only have been three but I knew that Grandpa was dead. I knew that he was buried somewhere in the grass behind the big wall and I knew that the number 9 bus went past it every day. Seemed pretty stupid to me to say that Heaven wasn't behind the big wall.
I don't think I ever met Grandpa and I certainly never got taken to visit him behind the wall. I might just go and have a wander round there one of these days to see if I can find him. It would be nice to say hello.

Just in case anyone's interested I've picked my spot and it isn't Heaven. It's in a shop window just round the corner from here in Bogsville. That way I'll be able to watch the people going by on their way to the Hole in the Ground bar. Poor suckers!

Parexel International

Track of the day Drop And Roll - John Scofield.

If you have time to spare and want to earn around £100 pounds a day, volunteering for medical research might seem like a good idea.

Unfortunately two young men are critically ill in London's Northwick Park Hospital and four others very seriously ill in intensive care after they suffered a violent reaction to a new drug, TGN 1412, given to them as part of a clinical trial organised by Parexel International.

Parexel's website suggests that:

You may be helping friends and family by being involved in the development of a new medicine or helping to improve an existing one.
You’ll receive a thorough medical check up – FREE!
You’ll be paid for your time and inconvenience.
Free food for the duration of your stay – and NO shopping or washing up!
You'll have plenty of free time to read or study, or just relax - with digital TV, pool table, videogames, DVD player, and now FREE Internet access!
You can even just catch up on some sleep!

It all sounds very attractive, but on this occasion something obviously went terribly wrong.

The information page for the tests that went wrong is here.

Clean Windows & Pearly Gates

Track of the day Rock this Town - Brian Setzer.

The little guy walked round the side of the house carrying a ladder.

Burglar, I thought and went for him. After a lengthy exchange, it became clear that he had arranged with Mrs B. to come and clean the windows. Either she had decided not to tell me or I had forgotten. At any rate he left and never came back.

That was at least five years ago and during the intervening period I have got used to living in perpetual gloom. This afternoon that all changed. A much larger man came and scraped off most of the generations of grime. I say most of because he couldn't get to two of the windows. He says I'll have to prune the holly bush. Perhaps Mrs B. can find a man who prunes holly.

The trouble with windows that are clean on the outside is that they show up the dirt on the inside.

National Disgrace

1. UK victims of terrorism attacks on foreign soil are not eligible for compensation or financial assistance with their medical bills. They are advised to "Sue the perpetrators" of the attack.
2. T.A. soldiers who have been injured in Iraq are sent home to join NHS waiting lists to get treatment for their injuries.

Great job Tony Blair. For your sake I hope the Pearly Gates doorman wasn't watching TV last night.

Join The Circus

Track of the day Seven4 - Absent Element.

A dog went into a hardware store and said, "I'd like a job please."
"We don't hire dogs," said the store manager. "Why don't you go and join The circus?"
The dog looked at him in amazement and said, "What would the circus want with a plumber?"

Dr Stephen Ladyman

Dr Stephen Ladyman, MP for South Thanet and currently Minister of State for Transport in the UK government no longer fears traffic speed cameras because he has a GPS speed camera detector in his car.

Ladyman revealed last year that he was caught speeding three times within three years and accumulated nine points on his driving licence in 2002. Sounds to me like he never feared traffic cameras, just ignored them. It doesn't surprise me. Just another case of 'do as I say, not as I do' or as the dog might have said, "What would the Transport Department want with a minister who's a safe driver?"

Romper Suit Cleans Up

Track of the day The Viper - Mike Clark.

If you're going to have kids you might as well get them used to helping out round the house as soon as possible.

With that in mind here's a great cleanup development in the romper suit department. It's best to have two suits.
One for applying the polish to the floor and a fresh one for buffing to a high sheen. It can be used on tables but for safety reasons I suggest close supervision.

A suit with abrasive pads is being developed for scrubbing stone and tiled floors.

Sunday Reminder

At Bogsville's Reform Church evening service tonight, the sermon topic (God willing) will be
"What Is Hell?"
Come early and hear the choir and organist warm up.

Made To Order

Track of the day Don't Play It Again Sam - Carola Grey.

I've always wanted a pair of made to measure shoes. I know the wellington isn't the most fashionable boot but I hurried in to get measured up anyway.

At first all was well but then I noticed that every dog in the area had come out to greet me. Don't get me wrong, I like dogs but not that much.

New Modem

A guy in a yellow jacket appeared at the door.
"Telewest," he said.
Mrs B. was unmoved. "We don't have Telewest. We're with Sky."
"Blueyonder," he told her.
"Oh yes, we've still got a phone account."
"I'm here about a slow running problem with the internet. I've come to change the modem."
Mrs B. guessed it was something I'd arranged so she called me.
I told him we didn't have a problem with the modem, just with new backup software wiping the system. This confused him totally. He asked if he could see the modem anyway. As he'd got a modem with him I let him exchange it for the old one. It looks the same. It just has a different number on the front and a button that sends it to sleep. I'd like a button on the front that sends me to sleep.
He set the modem up and left me to sort out the wireless router. Not as easy a job as it should have been, because I couldn't remember the admin password I'd set for it. Eventually I found a pencil that would fit in the reset hole and now I've got lights flashing everywhere again and am supplying the whole area with high quality wireless network signals.

Pencils are much underrated. I think it's stopped raining.

Council & Church Cross Swords

Tracks of the day
The Old Rugged Cross - Sandi Patti.
Speak of the Devil - Ozzy Osbourne.

There isn't much apart from this sign to tell you that you're outside a church. Dudley Wood Methodists wanted to put a freestanding wooden cross outside to inform people that the building is an active church.

Cut to Dudley Council where the planning department say that a cross is classed as an advertisement and have insisted on the church forking out £75 to erect an advertisement. I'm not sure how much it cost to erect the original cross on Calvary but if Dudley Council's planning chiefs had been around at the time, there might never have been a Christian Church anywhere, let alone in Dudley Wood.



The problem arose when the original Dudley Wood Methodist Church fell into disrepair. The church couldn't afford the repairs and sold the site. It was bulldozed and a private housing development took its place. Meanwhile church services carried on in the nearby church hall. It isn't clear to most people that the church still exists, which is why they want to put a wooden cross outside.

According to Dudley Council spokesman Phil Parker,

"Crosses are defined as advertisements in the Town and Country Planning Act 1990. It is national legislation laid down in law and not a judgment made by Dudley Council," he said. "We do not set the £75 advertisement cost, it is set by the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister."

Oh dear and here was I thinking that it was just Dudley Council making a pig's ear of things again. I suggest that Dudley Wood Methodists tell Phil Parker that the cross is not an advertisement, it's for public executions and that he's number one on the list.

Drawers & Filing Systems

Track of the day Life Begins Again - The Complex.

I never got the hang of filing cabinets and their hanging dividers. I could never work out which divider or which drawers to put things in, so I just piled things up on the desk and forgot about the drawers. Recent at the top, old at the bottom. Everything was there somewhere, it just took a while to find it.

Every now and again some well meaning person would come along and "clean up". Disaster! The piles of stuff would disappear and I wouldn't have a clue what was where. My whole storage system would crash and it would take months of neglect to get it back so I could locate anything.

That's how my computer is organised, or disorganised if you prefer to see it that way. Everything is, or was, in there somewhere and I can usually find the piece I'm looking for. Well I could find what I was looking for until the backup software screwed everything up for me. I'm now so terrified of losing anything that I have half a dozen backups of both hard drives on the external drive that is now mysteriously showing up as external USB drive D: and is listed before the second internal drive E: that used to be known as Drive D:. It's all very confusing. I've just spent two hours trying to get into my FTP server files. I'm in there now but I can't remember which combination of attempts was successful so there's no guarantee that I'll be able to get back in next time.

The irony of all this is that I was attempting to safeguard my files when I spent silly money on the, what a brilliant idea, external drive. If I'd left everything as it was, I'd probably be physically, mentally and financially far better off.

Adding to all my woes is the fact that Blogger is now unwilling to connect and it's raining.

It'll Probably Get Worse

Track of the day Cold Sweat - James Brown.

Shortly after the computer was declared sorted yesterday, the bloody thing went Pfft again. This time I had wandered off while it did a backup on the new external drive. I came back an hour and a half later and found a screen full of error messages from the backup software. File after file was failing some test or other so I switched everything off. Big mistake. The computer couldn't boot, not even from the XP installation disks. I cleared off to bed and this morning began the long task of reformatting and reinstalling everything I could lay my hands on.

I've still got my photographs and mp3 files. I've managed to find some of my blog files and a few emails, but I am rapidly getting peed off with the whole damn thing. I suppose I should have read the instruction manual for the backup software. I just love the way they hide them away as pdf files on the installation disk.

Tomorrow? Who knows? It'll probably get worse. It usually does.

Dudley Council

I see that the jolly little people on Dudley Council have been at it again. This time they've refused planning permission for a cross outside a Methodist church. They say it's an advertisement and clearly a breach of the Government's planning regulations. I hope no one's thinking of erecting a minaret on top of a local mosque. That could really cause Dudley Council chiefs some serious grief.

They seem to make a pig's ear of just about everything in Doodlay.

Bimeby

Track of the day Break In The Road - Golden Palominos.

The missing automatic backup software has turned up and is humming away merrily in the background. I'm not sure what it's backing up but I expect it knows what it's doing. I am a great believer in technology if it's intuitive. I refuse to read instruction manuals. As far as I'm concerned the longer the manual the worse the application. 'Bimeby' I'll find out just how good the Retrospect backup software is.

As a very young reader I always had problems with 'Bimeby'. It always came out as 'bimmebee' when I read it and made no sense whatsoever. Luckily Pa was able to explain that it was Uncle Remus's version of 'by and by'.

Happy Anniversary

Romance is not dead. I know this for a fact because I read this heartwarming entry somewhere last night.

"Yesterday was our second wedding anniversary and to celebrate it we got another Guinea Pig".

Think I'll celebrate the next Bogs anniversary in the same way. There's sure to be one bimeby.

Pints & Pins

Track of the day Cold Sweat - James Brown.

By the time the computer was sorted yesterday, I was in need of a night out. Classy surroundings, classy women and good drink. So I decided to give up on giving up drinking and headed for the bright lights of Bogsville.

There's nothing like a good night out. Unfortunately, last night's trip to the Hole in the Ground was nothing like a good night out. The company was fine except that there was a distinct lack of classy women. There was a distinct lack of women full stop. The beer was bad and refused to come to bed with me so I left it in the bathroom. Drinking pints of beer in Bogsville bars is a bit like drinking pints of vinegar except that vinegar has medicinal qualities.

I hear that in China they carry out major surgery using acupuncture as an anaesthetic. I'm not sure what surgery this guy is waiting for. A lobotomy perchance.

Poorer But Legal

Track of the day Sumphin - Sonny Rollins Sonny Stitt and Dizzy Gillespie.
Question - Why do they play so fast when they improvise?
Answer - Why do dogs lick their balls? Because they can.
Unfortunately, or fortunately if you see what I mean, I can manage neither.

Hi there everyone. Everything is back up and running again after my enforced layoff. I'm poorer but legal now and all the old settings still seem to be as they were before Friday's disaster. My worst fears about losing all my photographs and MP3 files have been allayed.

I'm tempted to retrace my steps and see what it was on that commercial Jazz CD that screwed everything up but I'm reluctant to have to go through all the time consuming fixes again. Reload using last successful configuration didn't work. A repair installation did but I had to get a new copy of the OS sofware to do it. Mine's up North somewhere.

While I was collecting a new copy from out of town because they don't stock my version of XP in Bogsville I picked up a 250Gb external drive so that I would always have a current backup copy. I couldn't believe how totally lost I was without access to the computer.

Unfortunately, when I got back to Bogsville Heights, I discovered that there was no installation disk or Dantz Retrospect software in the box with the drive. I've backed up using XP's backup utility but if you're out there Merl, I think the Western Digital external drive is the same as your drive so I'm hoping that your installation disk contains the Windows version as well as the Mac version. Hell, I can't be bothered to go all the way back with the drive. If I can't borrow the software I'll phone them up and insist on them mailing me the missing bits. I'll do that anyway.

Stuffed

Milt's computer is still refusing to boot into XP. It is currently 'stuffed'. The only thing that might have caused it was a driver upgrade on Thursday for the Soundblaster audio card. I fear the worst because at some point when XP was unsuccessfully trying to load itself, it announced that it was fixing hundreds of orphaned files. I suspect that when I do a repair install, I'll find that the 'fixed' orphan files will be unreadable.

I have no access to email or anything else. At least with Mrs B's laptop I can watch the cricket and post something at the same time.

See The Doctor

Track of the day Never See Me Fall - Nerve Engine.

Breaking News

Disaster has struck. My trusty computer has gone pffttt! XP will not load past the splash screen. Usually I would put in the installation disk but I don't have it here. It appears to have been left in Leeds. Disaster. I am not fiddling with anything it just makes matters worse. All I was doing was playing a commercial cd when - bluescreen - stack dump overflow warning came up. I switched off and on restart all I get is cycling from Bios screen to XP splash screen. Guess I'll have to go and buy another copy of XP. Shite!

Mytravel.com are offering flights to Kenya.

Almost two million people out of a population of 30 million are HIV positive and 500 Kenyans are dying daily of HIV/AIDS related diseases. Over 50% of hospital beds are occupied by people suffering from AIDS-related problems and that is causing an immense strain on Kenya's limited medical facilities. It seems somewhat insensitive therefore to publicise the flights with the slogan,

See The Doctor
Visit one of Dinali’s Traditional African Medicine Men and receive a herbal potion for whatever ails you!

I'll stick to a flight to Beijing where they've launched a campaign to stop people spitting in public and have identified spitting as "the city's most serious bad habit." Perhaps someone should tell UK's overpaid and increasingly spit-laden soccer players.

Unusual Wall Lights

Track of the day This Can't Be Love - Gerry Mulligan & Stan Getz.

Here's a stunningly poetic piece from a 'where to eat out' column that I read last night.

"The owner, took the former boozer, the Wheatland Fox - a beautiful, timber-framed 17th century coaching inn, and transformed it sympathetically into something rather more modern without losing the qualities of the old.

It is still quite quaint inside, but a combination of strong primary colours, a wooden floor, interesting artefacts, unusual wall lights like upside down wire baskets and a warren of rooms, delivers a pleasing atmosphere.

We had arrived late, and decided to go straight to the table, selecting a Chilean Sauvignon from their short but reasonably priced and well-chosen wine list to quench our thirst.

Give the cheerful and helpful barman his due, he immediately came back and recommended that we went for something else, as the only two chilled bottles of the La Joya had just been served.

How much better to let us know, rather than either to leave us waiting, or alternatively present us with a lukewarm bottle in an ice bucket. Instead he suggested an interesting and different wine that normally I would never have considered: a greeny, gooseberry style, grassy, crisp Pinot Bianco-Sauvignon delle Venezie, Luna di Luna, Cai Montini from Italy."

I just love these gourmet pieces. Anyone for a "greeny, gooseberry style, grassy, crisp Pinot Bianco-Sauvignon delle Venezie"?

A Holiday Survey

Deserves a visit: Scarred - Accolade. I always liked the singer's voice.

I'm not sure why this little flannelgraph cow is here except that I spent hours rescuing her from the depths of an advert somewhere. I don't like cows very much and I did have a nasty experience with a flannelgraph farmyard once upon a time. I've written the story down somewhere but I'm not sure where it is.

Survey request

I've just been asked to complete a survey. Great! I like to be useful.

"We would be very grateful if you have the time to complete this questionnaire. It will only take about 8-10 minutes to complete."

I rushed to the page. The first question was how many holidays, of at least four days duration, have you taken during the last 12 months? That was easy, "None". At that point a new page flashed up

"Thank you. That's all the questions we have for you at this time."

Sod it! I am now feeling totally rejected and depressed. Too old to become a 'Special' and now this. I'll have go and listen to Steeplechase by tenor player Scott Hamilton from his CD After Hours, released in 1997 on Concord.