An Appalling Lack Of Patriotism

Track of the day Come On England - The Hamptons.

He found himself one night in a distant bar that was possessed of a big screen and was full of shaven headed men strangely clad in white shirts with three lions couchant upon the heart.

The shirts were short of sleeve and the flesh that did burst forth therefrom was mightily tattooed.

Then did a great silence fall upon the earth because the game was mightily boring and without skill or excitement.

But the faithful believed and it came to pass that they were able to celebrate victory with joyous cheering and loud hand clapping, so much so that it woke him from his slumbers and scared the shite out of his unworthy body.

Twice more was he roused from his slumbers by the loud and reverential clapping of hands and once was he terrified by the loud groans of tormented souls as the evil enemies of the men in white shirts threatened their defences.

A whistle blew, there were further bursts of reverential applause as glorious white shirted ones appeared on the screen and then did the bar suddenly and most mysteriously empty and become as quiet and as still as a morgue on a staff night off.

Milt pondered awhile and then muttered, "Stuff this for a game of soldiers," and made his way home, lamenting as he did so, his appalling lack of patriotism.

Sadistic Tendencies

Track of the day You Enjoy Myself - Phish.

I am off to my little Chinese dentist's fun palace where I will again lie back and try to think of England.

I'm now back in Bogsville and can report that that little woman has sadistic tendencies. Unfortunately I've just discovered that masochism is not one of my strong points. In fact I appear to have a very low pain threshold. She might be small but she's wiry and had me whimpering in no time at all.

The guy sitting next to me in the waiting room said he was 78 years old. His state pension is £84.25 a week and he was having to pay £183 for a denture to replace his bottom teeth. He told me that it was a toss up between having teeth but not being able to afford anything to eat and spending the money on food but not being able to chew it. It seems wrong to me that a person who has spent his whole life working and paying taxes to support the National Health Service should, at the age of 78, have to make choices like that.

"I've been a Labour man all my life," he said, "but not any more."

I'm not surprised.

I've now discovered that I've bitten a great lump out of the inside of my anaesthetised bottom lip. Luckily I have a useful instruction sheet that tells me to avoid spitting, hot food and beverages, smoking, alcohol, strenuous activities or exercise for the next 24 hours. I always avoid people who spit but the rest of your helpful advice, Ms Chung, has fallen on very stony ground.

Sprinting & Hurtling

Track of the day Blackwood - Eddie Daniels.

It's raining and the central heating is switched on. I am in desperate need of sunshine but unfortunately the wheezy weather woman suggests that more rain is on the way. I'm sure it's possible to mike up the weather woman so that every intake of breath doesn't whistle round my speakers. If it isn't I know someone who is more than willing to apply a soothing layer of Vick Vaporub to her chest.

It would have to be later on in the week because I'm a bit dehydrated today. Before you ask I've had no beer or any other form of alcohol for over a week. Anyway, at around 11.00pm last night I experienced severe griping pains and had to sprint to the bathroom, not once but three times. After the third frenzied trip I managed to fall asleep but was woken at 3.00am by a burning sensation and had to rush off to the bathroom again where the contents of my stomach hurtled upwards and out into the WC. Food poisoning I thought and crawled wretchedly back to bed where Mrs B was snoring contentedly.

This morning I broached the subject of last night's hurtling and was informed that the only thing I had eaten that she hadn't was some roast potatoes.

I thought it was more likely to have been the chicken than the roast potatoes but I didn't feel strong enough to argue the point.

I've been fed the chicken again tonight so if I have to rush off or hurtle again tonight I'll know it wasn't the roast potatoes.

Somewhere In France

Track of the day Never See Me Fall - Nerve Engine.

The British Government likes to measure performance by feeding statistics into computers and publishing figures to show what a good job they are doing.

You can find which schools are worth sending your children to and which ones aren't. You can find out which areas of UK towns and cities have the highest crime rates and which are safest. You can find out which hospitals and surgeons have the highest and lowest mortality rates.

It's all fascinating stuff, especially when some unfortunate local administrator pops up to say, "Yes the results are lousy but we've come up with an action plan and we're learning from our mistakes, it won't happen again," but of course it always does because the latest action plan is no more appropriate than the previous one and the targets are based on goverment priorities rather than local ones. The statistical whizz kids manipulate the figures and the government announce improvements in performance here there and everywhere but people still get attacked, people still die from poor treatment in hospitals and kids still fail exams. In my usual perverse way I derive great satisfaction from the recent Home Office cock-ups.

It's patently obvious that government departments are as incapable of meeting their own targets as the mere mortals in the public sector that they've been damning for the last nine years. In fact John Reid's department can't even come up with the figures to feed into the computers. Enjoy your holiday somewhere in France Dr Reid!

Meanwhile Somewhere In England

John Prescott is reported to be fine tuning his skills with the croquet mallet on the lawns of his, it goes with the job, country mansion. Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister with no special responsibilities is supposedly looking after the welfare of the country while the PM is holidaying in Italy for a few days. It's good to unwind occasionally.

Speedo Gonzales

Track of the day Dîner au Motel - Miles Davis.

In the last 11 days we have had one day without rain, yesterday. Put another way we have had one day of sunshine, yesterday. We also have a mouse, spotted yesterday seeking higher ground.

If the picture was clearer you would see that mouse was spotted sitting on the garden bench that is tethered to the back wall of the house to stop it floating away. Heavy rain is a pain in the ass when you're a mouse and have only got short legs. In reality it was stocking up on the seeds that the birds drop out of the feeders.

Mouse's name is Gonzales or Speedy, but Speedo might be more appropriate.

Dudley Bus Shock

Track of the day Notorious - Laurence Cottle.

Dudley Council is famed for its politically correct approach to the working environment. Graven images of pigs were removed from the Accounts Department office walls because they might offend people.

Dudley has never had any problem with images of dogs or, come to that, live dogs. I spotted this live Dudley dog a couple of days ago waiting patiently for his bus home.

Suffice it to say that the dog was as shocked as I was by the gross political incorrectness of the message on the side of the Dudley bus passing in front of him. Get your act together Dudley, forget about pigs on the office wall. Get that bus sorted out!

Lie Back And Think Of England

Track of the day Quite Firm - Laurence Cottle.

I went for another session with the little chinese dentist this morning.

She's a very modern lady, she doesn't mess about at all, just gets straight to the point. Every time I go to see her she suggests whipping something out for me.

Now I'm more than capable of whipping my things out myself but she is a very persuasive young lady and I don't want to put a strain on our relationship so I decided to lie back, think of England and give in to her desires.

I just wish that she was a reflexologist rather than a dentist. Reflexologists apply pressure to specific spots in short ‘crawling’ movements, which ease tension and restore the body’s natural balance. A few 'short crawling movements' would be good.

Foul mouthed old hag

On the way into the surgery I followed a middle aged couple who had been shopping in the nearby supermarket. Somehow the woman managed to collide with a little old lady who turned on her and let fly with the foulest mouthful of abuse I've heard in a long time.

It ended with and this is an approximation, "Yo wanna look where you'm f***ing gewing, you stupid f***ing c**t."

I would have had words with her but I was running late for my dental appointment. Three quarters of an hour later when I staggered out into the unaccustomed midday sunshine, she'd gone. I don't think that anyone missed her.

The times they are a changing

I needed a quick trip to the gents after the morning's excitement, it's a long drive back to Bogsville, so I nipped into the supermarket. Up two flights of stairs there's a room with a wall full of sparkling urinals. On the back wall there is a baby changing area.

Baby changing area? It's enough to put a gent off his stream.

"Oh dahlink, go change the baby, while I stock up on the King Edwards and broccoli. See if you can get one with curly hair this time."

Track of the day was from Laurence Cottle - Live - 1995. Laurence Cottle - Bass Guitar, Graham Harvey - Fender Rhodes, Nigel Hitchcock - Alto Sax, Gerard Presencer - Trumpet, Ian Thomas - Drums. $4.95 for the whole CD, liner notes and artwork is an absolute bargain. Download it.

And Ken brought the graphics card this morning just before I left home. He wasn't supposed to bring it until tomorrow.

Guru Tips Nerve Engine

Burnet Droolhover's track of the day - Once - Nerve Engine.

Hot tip specialist and rock guru Burnet Droolhover insisted that I embed a link to NE's myspace page in the logo. Don't just take my word for it - test the link and see if it works. It's only a left click away. You never know, Nerve Engine might have a gig lined up near you. Anyway, according to Burnet it's time someone got them into a pro recording studio and unleashed their raw potential on the music world.

Humans and Chimps share ancestors

I fiddled about with some software and crossed Bush and Blair with a chimpanzee. The difference was marked.

At some stage I decided to try the same experiment with UK deputy prime minister with no special responsibilities, two shags, two jags, why wasn't I retired at 65 and if I get my hands on Milt Bogs I'll punch his bloody lights out, John Prescott.

As you can clearly see from the resulting picture there was no apparent difference, some may think it a slight improvement. At some time or other there was obviously a chimp lover among his ancestors.

Ever wondered?

Have you ever wondered why your local council is not performing as well as you think it should be? It is probably because it's sitting round a table somewhere trying to make sense of the pages of electronic claptrap spewing out of the aforementioned John Prescott's ex department.

The I&DeA Knowledge website sets out to explain to councils how to work more efficiently so cast you eyes over this page and you'll find yourself wondering what language it's written in. I went straight to the bottom of the page to find the comment tab but unfortunately there isn't one. My current favourite link is one to the 48 page PDF document that summarises "the main differences between June 2005 and March 2006 LAA guidance".

A 48 page summary of changes after 9 months! Nothing major then. This riveting read contains purple passages such as

'The guidance highlights that certain national frameworks (such as policing BVPIs, NHS LDP lines and the Performance Assessment Framework) will continue to enable national comparisons and commitment is given to aligning reporting requirements to LAAs to avoid duplication as GOs will support local areas to ensure necessary performance information is shared in a co-ordinated way.'

Luckily there's a handy Glossary section. Committee for Research into Abysmal Performance isn't in there. It should be.

Life Gets Tedious Don't It?

Pensioners' track of the day Life Gets Tedious Don't It - Walter Brennan.

If you want your globals warmed don't visit Bogsville. The central heating is on and frost is forecast for tonight. The current temperature is 11.5C and this has been the seventh consecutive day of rain. All we need now is a hose pipe ban.

The good news is that next door medical man has lousy hammering and nailing skills. He failed miserably in his attempt to entomb the blue tits. They found another hole in his NHS funded roof and were lined up for a Bogsville breakfast of insect packed suet when I got downstairs this morning. Just as well because Mrs B. was threatening to report him to the RSPB. She's like that.

She's also fired off a planning objection to the car wash that's opened up illegally round the corner.

For want of something better to do I ordered a new graphics card. I don't need one but ripping the old one out might keep me busy for half an hour and give me something to complain about.

I did nip out in Volvo during a dry spell this morning but I can't remember where I went to. I do remember that I took my camera with me just in case something exciting happened but it obviously didn't because all I have in the camera is a picture of a very small green spider busy doing something or other on a shrub. I remember that because I have the picture. Life gets tedious don't it?

Anyone else remember that damn track?

Larkin About In Coventry

Track of the day Willow Weep For Me - Jessica Williams.



I Remember, I Remember,

Coming up England by a different line
For once, early in the cold new year,
We stopped, and, watching men with number plates
Sprint down the platform to familiar gates,
'Why, Coventry!' I exclaimed. 'I was born here.'

I leant far out, and squinnied for a sign
That this was still the town that had been 'mine'
So long, but found I wasn't even clear
Which side was which. From where those cycle-crates
Were standing, had we annually departed

For all those family hols? . . . A whistle went:
Things moved. I sat back, staring at my boots.
'Was that,' my friend smiled, 'where you "have your roots"?'
No, only where my childhood was unspent,
I wanted to retort, just where I started:

You can read Philip Larkin's poem in its entirety here.

Blueyonder Announcement

Digital customers nationally may currently be unable to view Red Hot All Girl purchased via our Pay Per Night service. Our engineers are now investigating this issue.
Sounds like we switched to Sky just in the nick of time.

The medical type next door has just nailed up the entrance to the blue tit nest in the roof space over his kitchen door. He might have waited until the parent birds and the fledglings had left the nest. Sensitive souls these medics.

Superglue

Track of the day I'm a Bitch - Meredith Brooks.

I was hiding away in my first floor fun factory, tapping away at the keyboard and listening to a Sonny Rollins track when there was a loud scraping noise outside the window. The top end of a ladder appeared. Window cleaner I thought to myself. No he comes on a Wednesday not a Saturday.

I scooted off down the stairs to confront whoever it was and came face to face with chimney aka guttering man who is currently working over the road disguised as driveway man.

"Just happened to look over here and noticed that the downpipe I put up last week had fallen off, so I'm going to superglue it back in. That should fix it," he said and climbed up the ladder with the three foot length of errant plastic drainpipe. You can't beat a highly skilled British craftsman. Anyone know where I can find one?

Mind you, it's reassuring to know that he's got good eyesight even if he has problems with his downpipe. Makes you wonder how Frank Lloyd Wright managed to get all his buildings to hold together without superglue.

Great Spotted Woodpecker

Track of the day Can't Buy Me Love - Poor Old Bogger.

I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the Queen, Tony Bliar, George Bush, the Pope, Madonna and PC Jones from Bogsville for again ignoring the fact that yesterday was my birthday. And now back to meatier matters.

The Bogsville Heights bird sanctuary seems to have become a feeding station for a Great Spotted Woodpecker or dendrocopos major as he's known by us bird types. He's been visiting for a few days now. The first time I saw the black and white flash past the window I thought it was a penguin. I'm not sure what the regular feathered visitors make of Dendrocopos but they get out of the way pretty quickly. Drilling holes in tree trunks must get painful at times so why not have a go at a block of fat instead?

Last year we had a Green Woodpecker,yes you guessed, a Picus Viridis, that attacked our red hot poker plants. All these woodpeckers setting up home just goes to prove that there's a lot of dead wood here in Bogsville.

Sunk Without Trace

The mild euphoria generated by yesterday's repeat of last year's birthday has gone, disappeared - sunk without trace. It was a bit like watching all those endless repeats of crap 1970 comedies on Tv, but enough of self pity, I've got nothing to feel miserable about compared to that poor old bogger Paul McCartney. He's been raking it in for years singing about what life would be like when he was 64. Well now he knows. I bet he thinks twice before he sings 'Can't Buy Me Love' again.

A generous divorce settlement sounds about right to me. Anyone who can put up with him humming his little ditties for four years deserves every penny. No that's unfair. Hell, I'd have been tempted to marry him myself for 200 million or 100 million or even a paltry 50 million pounds but then I've always been cheap.

Birthday Blues

Track of the day Azure - Ella Fitzgerald.

Today is my birthday. I usually get the birthday blues and mope around for days but this year I find that I'm not really bothered at all.
I've discovered that I'm one year younger than I thought I was going to be.

Last year I was as miserable as sin. For months I went round bemoaning the passing of the years and then sometime just after Christmas this year Mrs B. checked a form I was filling in and pointed out that I had made a mistake in my addition.

I'm the first to admit that basic addition, or any other form of mathematics come to that, has never been my strong point. It was drilled home to me at an early age.

"Some boys have worked hard and they'll pass and some haven't and they won't - will they Bogs?"

Anyway it was as if a great burden had been lifted from my shoulders, an almost spiritual uplifting but without the burning bush or bush of any kind really.

It didn't make any tangible difference to my life or to the way that other people perceived me. As far as they were concerned I was still a miserable old wrinkly but I felt strangely resurrected or uplifted even.

So here I am on May 18 2006 failing to celebrate the same bloody birthday that I failed to celebrate last year. Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose. I'll have to find myself another personal trainer. Meanwhile I think I'll go and toot my saxophone.

Parcelnet

Track of the day Ignorance Is Bliss - Living Colour.

Online shopping is wonderful. You order, they deliver, you enjoy, end of story, unless your delivery guy happens to be named Ken.

Ken always tries to deliver when you're not at home and leaves a card that doesn't have a consignment number or information about the package, or a collection point address - just a handwritten mobile phone number that doesn't answer when you ring it. Ken keeps the package for three days and then returns it as undeliverable.

Ken is one of a growing band of home delivery people working for Parcelnet, part of the German trading empire Otto. Poor old Ken is the much maligned, final human link in the electronic cyberspace shopping chain. There are plenty of moans and groans about Parcelnet.

One of the things I've noticed while I'm researching companies, products and services on the web is that someone has always had a negative experience and immediately goes into print, giving the impression that the company,the product or the service is totally worthless and unreliable. Positive feedback is much harder to find so I would just like to thank all the delivery guys who turn up on a regular basis here at Bogsville Heights with packages and parcels for me. You're doing a grand job folks and if ever I'm not at home please leave the package at Number 3, the lady with the deep voice there is always in.

NHS Dentists & Microsoft

Track of the day Still Of The Night - Whitesnake.

I made a flying visit to my little Oriental dentist this morning.

It doesn't seem like six months since the last time I was peering at her upside down face but it must be.

Today she was struggling with the latest NHS software package kindly sent to her by one of that nice Mr Blair's cronies. According to her Microsoft powered computer my treatment could cost £48 or £189 depending on how what she does to me is priced up by the zombie at the other end of the terminal in the NHS accounts office.

Every conceivable combination of dental treatment known to mankind was listed in the drop down boxes on her computer screen - except for the one she was offering me.

Mind you I can think of a couple more treatments that weren't listed in the dropdown boxes either but I think I'd have to go privately for them. Come to think of it, going privately or even flying to China to have the work done might work out cheaper.

Suffering

I drank my way round London and suffered not. I get back to balmy Bogsville, drop into the Tulip & Tiara bar and am immediately struck down by some stomach bug or other. Drinking pints of anything in Bogsville bars is the equivalent of pushing the self destruct button and it's a hell of a laxative.

We Buy Gold

Excerpts of the day Sonny Rollins - from his official site.



When you're a bit short of money in London it's always reassuring to know that there's somewhere you can go to raise cash against your grandad's old gold watch or your gran's wedding ring. They'll even take the gold fillings out of your teeth. Luckily I wasn't that short of cash.

This Is England

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Bill Posters

Site of the day Sonny Rollins - Amazing!.

Why are all roads in London called Bus Lane? I found it very confusing. And just who is this poor Bill Posters guy that they are threatening to prosecute?

Fish Island

I'm sitting here at a foreign computer down in misty Fish Island, at least that's what I'm told the area is known as. I can't see any evidence of being on an island. Last night I got off the train at Euston and was rushed off to seedy bars and pubs that served strange concoctions that I'd never sampled before. I woke up this morning expecting to be ill but I feel quite normal, unlike when I have a drink in Bogsville.

Sooner or later I'm being shown the local sights before going to the Barbican to see Sonny Rollins. It'll probably pour with rain.

Accident & Emergency

Track of the day Them There Eyes - The Rhythm Boys.



Mrs B came home yesterday, complaining that she could see something like a net curtain or a cloud of smoke in front of her left eye. It had come on suddenly in the morning when she first saw nothing at all, then a black ring and then black flecks. I couldn't believe that she hadn't gone straight to the eye hospital but she thought it was something temporary and that it would go away. It didn't and this morning we went up to the Eye Hospital's accident and emergency unit.

We went up there and they sent her away with a less than helpful, "If you can see anything at all with your eye then you are not an emergency case. Come back if you lose the sight in that eye." She wasn't examined.

Mrs B. phoned the optician and the Opthamologist there examined her eye. Some of the gel around the retina had broken away. Not a torn retina or a detached retina but it could have been and could still develop into that. He was surprised that the Eye Infirmary hadn't examined her. I'm not surprised, I'm disgusted.

This Is England

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

He should phone NHS Direct on 0845 4647. I don't need to phone. I was an accident - according to Pa.

Amazon

Track of the day Don't Play It Again - Carola Grey.

I received an email yesterday from those very helpful people at Amazon who keep sending me copies of the same two Cds that they delivered to me back in October last year.
They were very good Cds and I enjoyed listening to them but I was a bit worried when they sent me the same two Cds again in December. I returned them. Amazon said that I wouldn't have been charged for them again because I'd already paid for them.

Then, last week or the week before, it doesn't really matter which, they emailed to say that they had sent me the Cds again. I phoned Amazon and they told me to refuse the delivery so I did and as far as I know the Cds went back to sender.

That should have been the end of the story except that today I got an email saying that as I had returned the Cds they were returning my payment for them and that it should show up on my next credit card statement. In my book that's "money for nothing", all I need now are "the chicks for free".

Another Miracle In Bogsville!

Track of the day Liverdance - Lawrence Cottle & the John Graham Band.

After yesterday's no show, rain stopped pointing, we have chimney man on the roof and window man in the kitchen. Chimney man appears to have dropped off up there on the roof and window man is puttying just about everything in sight. No the windows are not the plastic variety.

Yesterday I was stuck in the house waiting to see if any workmen turned up. Today I'm stuck in the house because they have.

Google Cache

Last night Google's links for its cached pages had disappeared in Firefox. This morning they were still missing until I cleared the Firefox cache and voilà, all the cache links reappeared. Yet another miracle in Bogsville!

SonicStage 1 Milt Bogs 0

Last week Sony's excremental piece of software, SonicStage, refused to copy my Cds to the harddrive. Then I discovered that the jumper on the dvd drive should have been on the Master not the Slave setting. As soon as I put the jumper in the right hole everything worked fine. This just goes to show that stuff works better if you put it in the right hole.

I consumed one pint of beer as a reward for fixing the Firefox cache problem and three pints for sorting out the dvd drive. I now have a splitting headache, the computer is working fine.

Sweaty Betty

Track of the day Brown Betty - Duke Ellington.

There's supposed to be a man on the roof repointing the chimney stack. He's not there because the rain is pouring down on Bogsville. It's good for the water table but bad for builders. As a result I'm stuck at home waiting to see if anyone turns up and listening to old records. Brown Betty by Duke Ellington reminds me, of Sweaty Betty's, a chip shop in Aberdeen up there in Scotland.

A crowd of us were standing outside Sweaty's one night when some asshole decided to pick a fight with Charlie, who was a very large but placid sort of a guy. After a totally fruitless discussion with the drunken asshole, Charlie asked us to hold his coat while he sorted him out.

At this point things became somewhat confused and Charlie disappeared. We couldn't find him anywhere. We had his coat but not him.

A few minutes later a first floor window opened over Sweaty's doorway and Charlie was leaning out asking us to throw his coat up. There was a woman behind him and Charlie was looking very pleased with himself. I don't know if her name was Betty but she'd obviously decided that Charlie would be better employed entertaining her than sorting out the drunken asshole down on the street.

We all stood around for a while but eventually decided he wasn't coming down again, so we wandered off without him. Charlie? He threw up and got thrown out.

Sweaty Betty's has gone now. It's been turned into a boutique and the first floor window is hidden behind its tasteless, modern façade.

Deni Bonet

May I recommend Then I Really Love You by Deni Bonet?

Shell Suspends Chip-And-Pin

Track of the day The Bridge (Podcast) - Sonny Rollins.

The February 14th introduction of chip and pin cards in the UK was supposed to do away with identity fraud so it's about par for the course to learn that Shell has suspended chip-and-pin payments in 600 UK petrol stations after more than £1m was taken from its customers' accounts. BP is also looking into card fraud at petrol stations in Worcestershire but it is not yet known if this is chip-and-pin related. You can apparently still pay for your fuel, goods or services with your card by swipe and signature. Sounds like I'm being ripped off three times at every visit to the pumps - once by the petrol companies, once by the tax man and now by the fraudsters too.

Polo Fan Belt

I am unreliably informed by a VW Polo driver that you have to take the wing off to replace what I call the fan belt but is probably the alternator belt. Sounds wrong to me. Expert opinion welcome.

Sonny Rollins

I'm off to London on Friday. I was going to drive but I've been encouraged to travel by train. For some reason Sonny Rollins doesn't play gigs at the Bogsville Memorial Hall. Come to think of it, no one plays gigs at the Bogsville Memorial Hall, which is why I'm having to travel to London. So if anyone is at Euston Station at 7,00pm next Friday May 12 and sees a poor old bogger looking lost...

Monday Is Cancelled

Track of the day The Girl Can't Help It - Little Richard.

For the second year running the NHS has cancelled my appointment at the Bogsville Eye Hospital. I was supposed to be going along there on Monday but now I don't have to go until July. Last year I dropped in for my rearranged appointment and the receptionist said,
"It's cancelled."
"No," I told her patiently, "the last one was cancelled, not this one. This is the rearranged appointment."
"This one's cancelled as well."
I refused to leave until someone examined my eyes.

Looks to me like the whole thing's happening again. Groundhog Day in Bogsville isn't as amusing as the original. I wouldn't mind but there's a paragraph at the bottom of the letter.

IMPORTANT The Trust's policy is not to automatically offer further appointments to patients who fail to let us know they will not be attending. If you wish to cancel this appointment please let us know as soon as possible. Your appointment can then be offered to someone else.

Chance would be a fine thing!

Lady Early 60s

Requires divorced/single retired family man 61/65.

I expect she requires him to do odd jobs. The odder the better if you ask me. Unfortunately she didn't include a telephone number so I'll never know.

The Bogsville Chainsaw Massacre

Track of the day I'm A Lumberjack - Monty Python.

The Bogsville chainsaw massacre took place this morning. Next door's 40' Lawson Cypress tree is no more and for the first time since we moved in here there is sun on 95% of the back garden.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch
I go to the lavat'ry
On Wednesdays I go shopping
And have buttered scones for tea

Phone Hearing Test

"Your hearing is within the normal range," said the female voice on the other end of the phone.

Strange really because I'd just sat through five minutes of mounting frustration and panic as I punched 000 into the keypad rather than the numbers they were reading to me that I couldn't hear at all.

So there you are, there's nothing wrong with my hearing, I just don't hear the phone or the doorbell, have an annoying habit of saying "pardon" all the time and sitting with my hand cupped round my right ear when I'm watching television.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels
Suspendies and a bra
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa

Win Rolling Stones Tickets

Track of the day Honky Tonk Woman - Rolling Stones.

If you want to help the RNID get into the Guinness Book of Records, take the telephone hearing check TODAY, 3 May 2006, by calling (local rate) 0845 600 55 55. You might end up winning tickets for a Rolling Stones gig.

Check Your Hearing

To mark Deaf Awareness Week (1–7 May 2006), RNID, the national charity representing the 9 million deaf and hard of hearing people in the UK, is inviting thousands of people across the UK to take part in Britain’s Biggest Sound Check on Wednesday 3 May 2006.

The charity is challenging people everywhere to call RNID’s special telephone hearing check on 0845 600 5555 to help set the record for the largest number of people to check their hearing on any one-day. The target is 100,000 and if you take part, you could win four tickets for the Twickenham Rolling Stones concert on 22 August 2006.

To enter simply press 1 at the end of the check when asked to record your number. Calls must be from a single line phone (not a switchboard or mobile).

Volvo V40 Earth Error

Track of the day Damn This Groove - Oz Noy.

"The best thing you can do is bring it back when it's making the noise," said the service manager at my friendly local Volvo dealership. Is this guy predictable or what?
"Won't the fault show up on the computer? It's got to be electrical."
"I doubt it very much," he said, "but I'll plug it in anyway and give it a quick check."

Error messages everywhere. He couldn't believe his eyes. It was a bit like watching an Apple user getting to grips with a Microsoft product. I suspect it was the first time he'd seen anything show up.
'Earth error, siren motor error' and a few others I can't remember.
"Can you leave it with us sir? We'll have to erase all the error readings and test it again. It might need parts."
The last bit sounded pretty ominous to me.
He means it will need parts because they strip out and replace everythingand everything until they find what is faulty. It's a foolproof but very expensive way of fixing a fault. I'll probably find they want to replace the central locking and alarm systems, the battery and "The wiring looms are six years old now and could do with replacing. Have you thought of upgrading to a new V50 or V70 sir?"

As the long walk home took me past his shop, I dropped in to visit Duane, the mad barber. That was fun and relatively inexpensive.

The phone rang.
"Your car has started clicking again. It's the siren unit Mr Bogs. The cost of a replacement unit is £90. Do you want us to go ahead and order one for you?"
"Yes. I've had enough of the clicking."

Volvo is staying out at the dealership tonight. I have no intention of walking back up that hill to fetch it. £90 for the part and a one hour labour charge of £80 for unscrewing and replacing a few bolts. Oh shite! Poor old Duane the mad barber would have to cut 13.5 heads of hair an hour to match Volvo's labour charges. No wonder they went into receivership.

Volvo V40 Miracle Cure

Track of the day - Bruze - Bob Berg.

Overnight Volvo decided to stop clicking. Flat battery, I thought, but the car started up first time, went for a run and is now parked back in the driveway with the alarm set by the remote. Seems perfectly normal to me. Another miracle cure! I'll take the car to the Volvo dealership tomorrow but they'll just say, "We can't find anything wrong, bring it back when it's doing what you say it was doing on Sunday." I guess it's time to get a bike.

According to Mrs B. I was lucky to get home in one piece. Local radio ran a bulletin about some madman driving down the wrong side of the dual carriageway that leads to our house.

Luckily I was able to put her straight on that one. It was much worse than the news bulletin reported. There were hundreds of them at it.

Update

Our friendly neighbours just knocked on the door to report that Volvo is clicking madly and flashing its indicators at everyone. I think it just gets lonely.