I Flashed My Bios

Track of the day Love For Me - Ashlee Simpson.

Last night I had today's post complete. As far as I can remember it was a masterpiece and then Pfftt! it just disappeared. I pressed the wrong button and it had gone for ever. I just love it when that happens.

I'm ashamed to admit that I flashed my bios about two weeks ago. It was the first time for about three years. I don't know why I did it. It was just one of those on impulse, unplanned moments, that come along when you are bored out of your skull and that land you in deep shite. A bit like that blonde coming out of the sea only this time I got away with it.

All was well until yesterday when I decided that the computer wasn't running as fast as it had been before my moment of madness so I dived into the very entrails of the bios setup screens and found that everything was set to the default safe crawl settings. The processor was running at 100Khz instead of 166Khz etc. etc. so I tweaked a few entries and am now waiting for smoke, sparks and flames. Sometimes I don't know how I handle all the excitement here in Bogsville.

Les Parkouristes

Last year I watched a film on Channel 4 about a group of unbelievably athletic young Frenchmen who ran and jumped their way round London's landmark buildings. It seems like the "sport" is spreading, so if you have five minutes to spare, watch this amazing Russian guy doing the same kind of thing round derelict buildings and a bus.

HMHS Dorsetshire

Track of the day Sing Sing Sing - Benny Goodman.

I always felt sorry for my father. All those years he spent in the 1940s as a radiographer on a hospital ship.

Years taking pictures of broken bones when he could have been out doing whatever it was that young men did in those days.

That was until I found this picture of wartime life on the Dorsetshire. I know it's the Dorsetshire because the name is visible on the lifeboat. I don't know who the two women are. I assume they were nurses. They are wearing even bigger pants than the lady yesterday. Who cares? The girl at the back looks great to me.

I'm posting this picture just in case any of you had mothers or grandmothers who served on the hospital ship Dorsetshire. If you know or knew either of these ladies, drop me a line.

Big pants seem to be coming back into fashion so here's a link to an really big pair of pants.

Woman In A Short Skirt

Track of the day Down Yonder - Del Wood.

When we got to the top of the tower a stiff breeze came up from nowhere. It swirled around the rooftop for a while and then decided to take off vertically and have a bit of fun.

Sunshine, a brown legged woman in a short skirt, a Minolta camera and a gust of wind. What more could a guy ask for?

I've been spending time with a new scanner and boxes of color slides of people and places that I'd forgotten all about. Stopping off here must be like going to visit one of those houses where all you hear is, "Oh and before you go I really must just show you our dreadful wedding album".

Modem upstream channel

Months ago I got an email from my service provider, Blueyonder, promising a blazing speed increase. Did I get it? No.

I read somewhere that changing the upstream channel ID number of my modem might help. As a result I've changed from Upstream Channel 2 to Upstream Channel 3. I've also been on Channel 1. Has it made a difference? No, not really.

I just love the way Service Providers make promises that they don't have the technology to honor, purely to attract new customers. Most spell checks want to replace 'Blueyonder' with 'Blunderer'. Seems appropriate somehow.

Did She Glow In The Dark?

Track of the day In Your Eyes - Peter Gabriel.

I pride myself in being able to spot a good looking woman a mile off.

I'm not sure what it was about this sad looking lady that drew my attention to her. Perhaps it had something to do with the batteries in her hair or the slightly luminous quality of her skin, or just the reflections in her sunglasses.

A woman who glowed in the dark would be interesting.

I know that excessive exposure to the sun's rays can damage your skin and hair but I couldn't help thinking that this English lady had adopted a slightly overcautious approach to her sunbathing sessions.

Do they still sell those clever little nose shades?

Sven Goran Eriksson

Track of the day Let There Be Drums - Sandy Nelson.

You have to feel sorry for that nice, highly paid, international soccer manager Sven Goran Eriksson don't you?

The scurrilous British press has forced the poor guy to announce that he'll quit his job after the next Soccer World Cup and accept a £3 million ($5.3 million) pay off. I know just how he feels.

After I'd worked for the same people for over 20 years I was given a long service award. They gave me a voucher for £200. That's less than £10 for every year I'd worked for them. Just about what I deserved, I guess, or as one of the guys said, "Rather more than you are worth to us actually Milt."

If you need any help spending the £3 million Sven please email me. As you can see, I have vast experience in high finance.

Change one thing

Boots have a site for people who have problems keeping New Year resolutions. If you are a compulsive link clicker and want to give up smoking, de-stress, eat well, look great, get fit or lose weight, go and visit. Unfortunately there isn't a page for people who can't make up their mind which link to click so I'm stuck on the first page, activating the mouse overs. Well designed page though.

UK Transplant

You can find out about UK Transplant here.
Since 1 April 2005
1,818 people have received transplants
632 people have donated organs
6,550 people are still waiting for transplants
an additional 1,407 people have donated corneas.

Late Night Drinking Sessions

Track of the day Hot Popcorn - Bernard Purdie.

I'm back from the 'funereals'. As funerals go it was a well attended affair. Civic dignitaries and people from all over the place. It's amazing how many "really close friends" can watch a guy destroy his liver with alcohol and then, at his funeral, tell amusing stories about late night drinking sessions. I would expect real friends to take a more proactive interest in their buddy's health.

The Aberdeen that I knew doesn't seem to exist any more. It used to advertise itself as the Silver City with the Golden Sands. It now seems to be a granite car park. Illuminated signs announce 20 mph restrictions, speed humps destroy your suspension and one way systems have sprung up everywhere. It all seems futile because cars are parked nose to tail on both sides of the majority of roads making it impossible to reach 20 mph anywhere.

There are parking meters in quiet, upmarket residential streets where residents pay 40 pounds a year for a permit to park outside their own property but get a penalty ticket if they park on the opposite side of the street.

I now know why she with ants in her pants flies to Aberdeen whenever she visits. She's there in two hours and taxi drivers know how to avoid the congestion. It's much quicker and is cheaper too. I drove for nine hours and when I arrived I was plunged into a motorist's version of hell.

Burns Night

A guy at the funeral told me that he thought Burns' lyrics were very interesting. He asked me if I could recommend any of his CDs. I didn't like to point out that Burns has been dead for over 200 years.

I also heard someone asking if Scotsmen celebrated Burns Night by wearing large spectacles and smoking cigars. I expect George Burns would have appreciated that one. I'm not sure what Robbie Burns' reaction would have been.

Public Health & Hygiene

Track of the day When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin.

I'm off on my travels for a while. Off to pay my last respects and meet a few people I haven't seen for a long time.

It's probably just as well because it's been "battle the bars" time here recently. I've enlisted the help of the Public Health and Hygiene people. To play fair I've notified the bar owners too, so they know what I'm doing. It just beats me why a bar should be able to serve food and drink when they have toilets that are full to the brim with human waste. If you are ever in Bogsville avoid the Hole in the Ground bar.

While the rest of the world lives in fear of bird flu, we in Bogsville fight the rising tide of disease that is yet again threatening to overflow from the washrooms there.

Dudley Horses

Up to a dozen horses have been ambling around the streets of Amblecote in Stourbridge UK, frightening motorists.

Amblecote is the place where they put a bus shelter behind railings so that people could wait in the shelter but not get to the bus when it arrived. I guess that locals got fed up with these arrangements and decided to fall back on horse power.

Dudley Council's Phil Parker said the local council does not employ a horse bailiff and the local police force say they don't have anyone trained to deal with horses. It wasn't like that in the old days.

Karaoke Fever

Karaoke of the day Under the Boardwalk

The guy sat in his chair, a walking stick in one hand and a microphone in the other. You couldn't, by any stretch of the imagination, describe his voice as tuneful. It was more like the sound of gravel being dropped from the back of a truck. Blueberry Hill is ok by me. It's a good song and has a good tune, no matter whose version you listen to but last night's version was one of the worst I've ever heard. The melody disappeared and the guy's version of the lyrics, "Though we’re apart...you’re part of me still" became "With legs apart etc." was neither an improvement nor funny. I have a suspicion that he thought he was Louis Armstrong. I thought he was a pain in the ass.

One of the local experts told me that the guys sang ok but the women were all too nasal. I tried to explain to him that the problem was not the ladies' nasals but the sound guy's hearing. He was deaf and was boosting the high frequencies so he could hear what the girls were singing. Local expert said it was probbly the nasals that damaged people's hearing so I agreed with him. I'd have said anything just to shut him up.

Last night's crowd specialised in slow romantic ballads. The sort that expose you if you can't pitch. Why these people don't pick up-tempo songs beats me. I asked a guy who was making a very good job of Neil Diamond if he sang anyone else's songs. Big mistake. When he was singing he was Neil Diamond so why should he sing someone else's songs? Another guy told me he sang anyone's songs but only in his Elvis voice. He had a very interesting technique. He only sang when the peak of his baseball cap was covering the whole of his face. I guess it proved that he knew the words but it did look very strange.

My personal favourite was a lady who sang "Fever". She started well but went to pieces after the first verse. She forgot the tune, which is quite an achievement in itself and then tried to sing the rest of the words using the same notes as the bass accompaniment. It could have been an interesting experiment but wasn't. She certainly was a big woman with a powerful pair of lungs.

Evil Onions

Track of the day - Undecided - Gene Krupa.

Mr Hope told the court that he was quoting the 23rd Psalm to get rid of the evil spirits he had seen coming out of an onion.

Nuclear shelter

The Daily Telegraph once reported

The local council at Barnsley, South Yorkshire, has had to abandon a civil defence command post designed to survive a nuclear war because it has been wrecked by vandals.

Help needed

"How Would You Like a Much Bigger Pfg Efl Nfd Iem S?"

Does anyone know what a "Pfg Efl Nfd Iem S" is?

Thanks to Ally I now know what a "Pfg Efl Nfd Iem S" is, so the answer to the question is no. Others may well disagree. I guess it's all a matter of personal choice.

Interstate Stanley

Track of the day - Just Keep It Up - JS.

Every now and again I get an email that is addressed to me but isn't meant for me. In March last year I got one from a guy who wrote,

"Here we are at the KOA in Tucumcari, New Mexico. The winds are howling through the canyons, over the mesas and up my pant legs. New Mexico is really a staggeringly beautiful state.

Important safety note...do not put Petrified Wood and Crispy Creme Donuts in the same bag for consumption while driving. Tomorrow we head for the Texas panhandle, and hopefully Oklahoma. From Okie land we head NE as we continue our trek to Cheektowaga.

I'll stay in touch. Consider Highway 40 or the old Route 66 as you ready your lungs and leg muscles."

It was signed - Interstate Stanley

I didn't give it a thought at the time. I'm not sure why it didn't get zapped but it didn't. I spotted it again yesterday and decided to try to find out just who this guy Interstate Stanley is.

Turns out that Interstate is James Lee Stanley. I'd never heard of James Lee Stanley but I have now because there is a website that fills in all the gaps and promotes a cd All Wood and Stones that he released last year. What caught my eye was that Timothy B. Schmit of Poco and The Eagles fame and ex Monkee, Peter Tork were listed as collaborating on the cd. The tracks are all Mick Jagger and Keith Richards songs. You must go and listen to the samples from the cd All Wood And Stones.

Thanks for the email Interstate. I know it wasn't intended for me but it took me to the cd and I love it.

Another James Lee Stanley link.

Beans Are Best

Track of the day Black Night - Deep Purple.

The whole of today's post disappeared at ten o'clock last night. I was making a cup of coffee when all the power went off and I was left rooting around in the dark for a box of matches.

By the time I'd sorted out the candles and peered out of the windows to see if anyone else had electricity, tripped over the dog, remembered that the gas hob would still work and finished brewing the caffeine, the computer had run out of UPS time and all my open, notebook files had disappeared without trace.

Fizzy drinks ctd.

Yesterday I announced that sugar packed fizzy drinks boost memory power so it now grieves me to have to announce that

According to research published in 2003, kids breakfasting on fizzy drinks and sugary snacks performed at the level of an average 70-year-old in tests of memory and attention. Beans on toast is a far better combination.
Toast alone boosted children's scores on a variety of cognitive tests, but when the tests got tougher, the breakfast with the high-protein beans worked best.

I don't know which is worse, being full of gas from fizzy drinks or full of gas from eating beans. Either way it isn't going to help the ozone layer but it should help with the sales of air fresheners.

Exciting news

Some Yale professor or other's research shows that

"marathon runners 50 and older and female athletes in particular, are showing greater improvement in running times than younger runners".

So there you are, the gallons of fizzy drinks drunk by youngsters, slows them down because they have to stop and pee every five minutes whereas the jet engine effect caused by eating all those healthy beans actually speeds up the healthy eating old farts.

Note for the milkman

"Please don't leave any milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, because I wrote this yesterday.
Please do not leave milk at No.15 either as he is dead until further notice."

Fizzy Drinks & Green Pigs

Track of the day Cosmosis - Dave Holland Quintet.

Sugar packed drinks are good for memory.

They are bad for your teeth and just about everything else but they help you to remember things. According to psychologists from Glasgow University, they have a significant effect on the brain's ability to store and retrieve memories. Well that's what a report in the Scotsman says.

It may well be true because my daily intake of sugar is virtually nil as is my ability to remember anything. I have a note here that says I've to go to the post office. I can't remember why but when I get there I'll buy a fizzy drink if I can remember and see if that jogs my memory.

Another forgettable piece of research

If you need a fluorescent pig read on. Scientists in Taiwan have managed to breed three pigs that glow in the dark. They were created by adding DNA from jellyfish into 256 pig embryos that were implanted in eight sows.

This resulted in the birth of three male pigs that glow in the dark and have green eyes, teeth, trotters and internal organs. It also resulted in 253 embryos that 'went tits up' as they say in scientific circles.

Why anyone who doesn't work for Dudley Council's benefits department would want to breed pigs that glow in the dark is completely beyond me but then I'm not a research scientist.

Accident Prone

Track of the day How About You? - Oscar Peterson.

His face peered out at me from a picture on the front page of the Bogsville Bugle. He looked like a perfectly normal, happy little three year old.

He had somehow managed to get his head stuck fast in one of the swings in the city's Central Park. It was one of those ultra safe swings designed for very young children, the ones with sliding bars that are supposed to stop the child falling out of the seat box. The Firemen were called to the scene and managed to free the child's head. It must have been a dead news week because I couldn't see any reason for the story appearing on the front page. I read on.

"He's accident prone," said the proud mother, "he's always getting into scrapes. Two weeks ago he set fire to his grandmother."

At which point I realised why the story was on the front page.

Shakespeare's Julius Caesar - a taster

"Julius Caesar had gust come back from the black sea he had just diffeated popey .When he had got in the city of Rome all of the peple wos having a pary down the street but! one man had come out and said " beware of the eyes of march " .Later that day the peple had said "we wund like you to be king for us"but caeser had said no."

I'm sure there's a moral in there somewhere.

Gynaecologist Guilty Of Misconduct Reinstated

Track of the day I don't need no doctor.

In 2003 Dr Andrew Gbinigie, from Barnt Green in Worcestershire UK, was found guilty of serious professional misconduct by the General Medical Council (GMC) but has now been told he can stay on the medical register.

In November 2000 during an an abortion on a woman who was 20 weeks pregnant, the consultant gynaecologist and obstetrician ruptured the patient's uterus wall and removed her right ovary and fallopian tube. When he pulled out a piece of her bowel he realised something was wrong and called for help from senior staff. The woman's life was saved after three consultants at the Birmingham Women's Hospital carried out a five-hour emergency operation during which her right kidney had to be removed.

In August 2003 he was found guilty of serious professional misconduct but was told that he could continue to practise if he only worked in hospitals with intensive care facilities.

Reinstated

A spokesperson for the General Medical Council Fitness To Practise Panel said (Jan 2006) that she couldn't release details of the hearing but confirmed that Dr Gbinigie now has full registration again and can carry out surgery, subject to the conditions outlined in 2003.

Just what is the General Medical Council playing at here and what does a doctor have to do to prove his incompetence? As far as I can see the guy constitutes a threat to the safety of unsuspecting women anywhere that he practises. The fact that he can only operate in hospitals with intensive care facilities just about says it all. This man could well be operating in a hospital near you. How do you folks feel about that?

Roddy Cameron

Roddy Cameron, an old friend of mine from Aberdeen, died today in Edinburgh. He'd been waiting a year for a liver transplant.

The call finally came through from Edinburgh late on Thursday night that a suitable donor liver was available and he left Aberdeen by ambulance at 3.00am on Friday morning. The transplant began at 9:00am that day and ended at 3:00pm but he suffered three cardiac arrests during the operation. The third arrest was fatal. By then the liver had been transplanted.

I'll remember him as he was, all those years ago, when we were at school and University together. He was a great bloke.

Virus Free

Track of the day Funky Tina - Spyro Gyra.

As you can see I take all possible precautions to keep the Bogsville computers virus free.

This particular piece of soft-wear is the Backdoor Trojan model.

Sometimes I think I've got the computer so firewalled up and locked down that it's preventing any information getting through at all.

To my doctor

"Since doctors began decreasing the sedatives Monday, Ariel Sharon has started breathing on his own and moved his right arm and leg and his left arm in response to pain stimulation."

When I'm comatose, please don't bother with pain stimulation, just send for a youngish nurse. Pleasure stimulation has always worked best for me.

Graffiti

Two thirds of the way up the classroom door, for all to see, were scratched the words,
"I shagged Mrs Broadend."

Much further down the same door, at a comfortable height for someone much younger, were the words, "Me too - Twice."

Blair On Respect

Tune For Tony - Gregg Bissonette & Vinnie Colaiuta.

I watched Tony Blair talking about his "respect" plan on BBC Tv's Newsnight. Seems that Blair is the only person in the Cabinet who is qualified to speak about everything. In the past there were Cabinet members who could speak too. Now it seems that they are just a bunch of cabinet 'Members'.

The animated gif is my somewhat edited version of the broadcast. Respect!

The Donut Zone

According to a town planner I heard sharing his wisdom the other night, wealthy people now live in the City Centre, in mansions in the leafy burbs or a 4 track ride away from the city in what used to be known as the countryside. The Poor continue to maintain a presence in what he called the Donut Zone, the rundown bits in between. What a prick!

Three Seats In The Stalls

Track of the day - All Shook Up.

I really should go to the cinema more often but the last time I went, there was a guy sprawled over the three seats next to me in the stalls.
I called the usher.
"Sorry sir," the usher said to him, "but you're only allowed one seat."
It didn't do any good. The man made no attempt to move.

I could see that the usher was getting impatient. "Sir," he said, " if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

The man still didn't budge. This annoyed the usher who marched off up the aisle in search of his boss.

A few minutes later, the usher and manager returned and stood over the man who was still lying there. The two of them tried to move him, "All right buddy," the manager said, "where did you come from?"

Very patiently the guy replied, "From the front row of the bloody balcony up there."

Elvis Was On The Bar

Blue Moon of Kentucky.

The barman slopped the froth off the beer and Elvis appeared to me right there on the bar of the Tulip & Tiara. If you look closely you will see two eyes, an ear and a big smile. Yes I know Elvis had black hair but he was 71 years old last Sunday so he's entitled to look a bit pale. All those medications have bloated him just a bit.

I was going to scoop him up and offer him for sale on eBay but the damn barman swooped down on him with a damp cloth. Luckily, Merl had his new Sony Ericsson mobile phone with camera and zoom and recorded the event for posterity.

Jigsaw champion

I'm thinking of arranging a jigsaw championship here in Bogsville. I think I've got a good chance of winning because this morning I completed a puzzle in just three hours and on the box it said three to four years.

If you want online puzzling go to JigZone.


Unfortunately it took me 20 minutes to complete the puzzle. The fastest time is claimed to be 1 minute 57 seconds. Ridiculous!

Golf Practice

Track of the day 1959.

This sporty little guy has been hanging around all day.

He reminds me of a guy I watched practising his swing one afternoon when I was out walking with Dog.

The guy was swinging away with his driver in a big empty rugby field surrounded by trees. Every time he hit a ball it would scream off to the left or right and disappear miles into the trees.

He would sigh, unwrap a brand new ball and crash that miles into the trees too.

Dog and I stood and watched him for about ten minutes. It seemed safer somehow than getting anywhere level with or in front of him. He must have unwrapped a dozen brand new balls and driven them off miles into the trees. "Hey," I said to him eventually, "you should use old balls for practice."

"I know," he said sadly, "trouble is I've never had any."

New words

Linguists in the US have decided that 'truthiness' is a valid word. It's defined as the quality of stating concepts one wishes or believes to be true, rather than the facts. I guess statements about Iraq's weapons of mass destruction were 'truthy' rather than 'facty'.

I have to admit that the new word I liked best was 'whale tail'.

Apparently that's the part of a thong that shows above the waistband of a pair of shorts or jeans. I suggest that lady keeps well away from Japanese whalers. She might get harpooned.

You Can't Beat The Real Thing

Ain't No Sunshine - Rodney Jones (guitar).

"I was feeling really refreshed when I woke up this morning. Are you still feeling refreshed?"

Not my words, they belong to Mrs B. and refer to the apparent results of her Light Box sessions.

I'm not convinced that imitation sunlight frequencies bouncing off the back of my retinas do quite the same job as the real thing on a beach under a palm tree.

The light box is perched precariously up there on the top of the monitor just waiting for the opportunity to crash down on the keyboard and any fragile fingers that might be active down there. While I admit that a palm tree might drop the occasional deadly coconut bomb, there's always the heat of the sun, the blue of the sky and sea and the sight of a brown skinned, bikini clad, woman who might wander past to make the risk worth taking.

Sitting here in a fleece shirt and thick socks bathed in the peculiar pale light from the SAD box with the central heating cranked right up is somehow not the same thing at all.

You just can't beat the real thing.

One Good Turn

Time is Tight - Booker T.

Imagine three guys, each one with a hearing loss.

"Windy, ain't it?" said the first guy.
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

At which point the third man chimed in with, "So am I but a beer or two will soon fix that."

Confused

I've got a serious problem here. Can anyone tell me what day it is? I'm working on the assumption that it is Saturday. Until last night I thought yesterday was Tuesday. What is even worse is that I've screwed up my right knee.

I was coming out of the local 'we've got everything shop', the one where I'm in love with the guy's wife, when Ping! - my right knee decided to act its age. If it's fully extended it isn't a problem but if I have to flex it and then try to stand upright, the joint is a bloody disaster. Sharp pains, round about F#, two octaves above middle C, just behind the kneecap.

Dear John

I received an email this morning from a guy who signs himself John F. It reads as follows.

"How ya doin? Make sure you're careful who you tell about this. It's been over 8 different times now that I've used this website to find someone to sleep with. Obviously, not everyone can know about this, so keep it between us."

Hi there John F. I'm glad Milt's Page has helped you to get serviced. I've no idea which one of the kind people who leave comments here has come up trumps for you. Perhaps you would be kind enough to let me know. After all - one good turn deserves another.

Camp Coffee & Bulls' Milk

Video of the day. (Long delays expected)

Anyone for Camp? Camp was the coffee, or what passed as coffee in my grandmother's kitchen in 1950. It was a brown syrupy liquid that stood in a bottle with an exotic looking label on the kitchen table.

"Do you want it with or without bulls' milk?" she'd always ask my mother when we went to visit.
"What's bulls' milk Nan?" I used to ask.

My grandmother and her sister, Great Aunt Nellie, would both laugh uncontrollably at that and eventually explain that bulls didn't give milk but that as the sterilized milk that was available to them in those days didn't taste like cows' milk, they called it bulls' milk."

Camp was made in Scotland by Patersons. There's even a Camp Centenary Cookery Book and a very fine Camp Coffee poster available here. It's all terribly jolly.

Ceiling news rocks the City

Today my inbox was bulging with mail (93% spam) but poked away amongst the double your sexual perfomance dross was a legitimate email from Ceiling, a jewel at the less fashionable end of the London supergroup list who are about to maximise their influence on the tone deaf or otherwise auricularly challenged of the Capital. Soon to be appearing at a venue near you, but only if you live in Highbury or Islington.

Florida bull vote

Seems that everyone in Florida got to vote for the best looking bull. It was a straight vote between a black bull and a brown bull. Some people actually liked the brown one best but accidentally voted for the black bull.
Some people voted for both.
Some people voted for neither.
Some people couldn't work out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of people from out-of-state told the voters which bull everyone had actually voted in so it didn't matter which bull they'd voted for anyway.

There you are - you start off with Camp and bulls' milk and end up with bullshit. If you find bullshit offensive, might I suggest you redirect to Wiseass.org who are offering templates so that you can make your own very own bullshit deflectors.

While I'm thinking of it, Dorthy Hewitt has mailed to ask if I love Penny Stocks. Sorry Dorthy but the name Penny Stocks doesn't ring a bell. A photo might help to jog my memory.

Flying High

Video of the day.

I found it difficult to talk to the guy at the end of the bar. I could never remember his name though he had the ability to remember everything about everyone he ever met in there. He knew my name, what I drank, what I did, everything. He was pleasant enough. He smiled a lot. I thought he was probably in sales.

He'd be in there for three or four nights and then he'd disappear for a few weeks. Whenever he was in there he'd drink too much. Not that he ever caused any problems for anyone. He didn't. He just got very drunk and smiled a lot.

Then I asked someone what he did and was told that he piloted planes, not the big commercial jets but the smaller, business Learjet kind of plane. Now that did worry me because the thought of him flying around overhead after a beer sodden night in the Hole didn't exactly make me feel comfortable.

I haven't seen him around for some time now. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he just moved out of the area. I haven't read any recent reports of accidents or pilots being sacked for being hung over on duty. Hope he doesn't just drop in on me one day - if you see what I mean.

Merl tells me

Merl tells me that modern planes are so automated that they all but fly themselves and that they will soon have just a pilot and a dog on the flight deck. The dog will stop the pilot from touching the controls and the pilot will make sure that the dog has regular food and water.

First jump

A parachutist on his first jump was heading towards the earth at high speed and pulling like mad on his rip cord but all to no avail. To his amazement he spotted a man approaching him rapidly from below - heading in the opposite direction.
"Oi!" shouted the parachutist, "Do you know anything about parachutes?"
"Not a thing!" came the reply, " Do you know anything about gas cookers?"

It's amazing what you hear in a bar.

Temporary Setback

Track of the day.

I encountered a problem on the novel writing front that not even my SAD Lightbox is able to overcome.

The latest unposted chapter strikes me as being ludicrous. I am confident that this setback is merely temporary and I'm convinced that I would be able to find inspiration and the solution to all my woes in Dolly Parton.

Unfortunately I don't have access to Dolly Parton or her songs so I can't really put this theory to the test.

Best not to rush into things - it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Hairy Hands Hoolighan

Hairy Hands Hoolighan has long been the owner of the hairiest palms in Bogsville, caused, or so he told everyone who asked, by a lifetime of over zealous pudding pulling.

The other day Hairy Hands popped in to see Kinsey the film about 1940s sexologist Dr Alfred Kinsey and learnt that pudding pulling is not responsible for his trademark palms. He is now very worried and confused. If pudding pulling isn't responsible for his hirsute palms - what the hell is?

I'm Really Really Sorry

Track of the day.

A female approached me at the bar.

"Hello," I said. "How are you these days?"
I knew her from somewhere but I couldn't remember whether it was from Bogsville or from somewhere else.
"I'm really sorry," she said.
"It's Milt," I told her. I thought it was the name that was a problem.
"I know that," she said, "I recognized you the minute I came in. You look just the same. I'm really, really sorry."
"Are you still doing the same job?" I asked, not really sure what she had been doing when I last came into contact with her.
"Oh yes, but I'm better at it now. I've been doing it for so long now. That's why I'm so very, very sorry."
By now I was totally confused.
"I'd better explain," she said. "I came in with Sally. You remember Sally don't you?"
"Oh yes," I lied, "I remember Sally. Who could ever forget Sally?"
"Well I came back to Bogsville for Sally's 45th birthday party. She came to mine about a month ago. That's why I'm so really, really sorry."
"Don't worry about it," I said. "There's no need to be sorry. Anyway I'm glad to see you're both still in the prime of life and very attractive, if you don't mind me saying so." I gave her one of my most lecherous smiles.

"It's not that Milt. You see when we knew you, you were a lot older than us. We're both 45 now, so you must be ... I'm just so terribly, terribly sorry."

Oh well - dum dum, a-diddly dum

Seven League Boots

Track of the day

The sun is shining here in Bogsville. It may well be because "Rabea hat mir eine MausKarte mit einer persönlichen Nachricht geschickt und dabei hatte ich viel Spaß!"

And here was I thinking that all this Season's Greetings and Happy New Year stuff was just garbage. One ecard from a little girl in Ahrensburg and I'm full of the joys of Spring again.

I think I need to get me a pair of Seven League Boots like Peter Schlemihl bought himself so that I can hop off whenever and wherever I feel like going. Mind you I'm not so keen on losing my shadow to get them.

Just in case your German is as lousy as mine - here's a marginally easier to follow English version.

Sorry if this makes no sense to anyone but me but there is always the track of the day.

A Quiet Night

Here's me thinking New Year was quiet. I look on the web and discover that I was lucky. It seems that some people had a New Year to remember for the wrong reason. If I go out tonight I'll have to make sure I have a bodyguard with me, or some seven league boots.

Auld Lang Syne

Bonjour 2006!

Listen to the little guy playing Auld Lang Syne

Just in case you are a karaoke type person I offer the first verse and the chorus so that you can sing along.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll tak a cup of kindness yet,
For auld lang syne!

Proverb of the day

"Il ne se tort pas qui à bon hostel va."
(He does not go wrong who goes to a good inn.)

Gay Gordons

Once in the inn you need to kick up your heels so here's a good old tune for you.

As so many of you chose to join in the karaoke singing of Auld Lang Syne, here are some alternative lyrics for this offering.

Aunty Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her draws,
First it farted, then it departed
To a round of applause.

Or perhaps you prefer

Aunty Mary had a canary
In a cage indoors
It whistled and sang
And went off "bang"
And blew the leg off her drawers

There are many other versions but it's useful to have the chorus

Chase me Charlie, Chase me Charlie, Lost the leg of my drawers
Chase me Charlie, Chase me Charlie, Please will you lend me yours?