Two Room School

I was three or four when I was packed off to the little two room school.

Two of my aunts got all their education there at the school, run by the elderly Corker sisters, so by the time that I arrived the two ladies must have been well past their prime.

I found myself in a room with the elder of the two Corker sisters. The room had a roaring coal fire hidden away behind a metal guard and was home to Class 1 that was mainly for tiddlers but contained some older children too. They seemed to spend all day, cutting up paper, drawing and painting pictures or building cities out of bundles of firewood that were kept in a large wooden box. The rest of us spent our days painstakingly copying letters or numbers into copy books or reading aloud to Miss C. from books about Farmer Giles and Dobbin his faithful horse.

Tommy Reid spent all day down on floor level building houses out of kindling while his sister Celia was up on the big table reading and writing with us. I don't know how much older Celia was than the rest of us but she definitely was a lot bigger. Her copy book work was a wonder to behold and so was her shiny dark hair and friendly smile.

I liked sitting next to Celia but secretly envied Tommy and his freedom to build daylong timber towns down there on the floor. By three o'clock in the afternoon we were completely walled in by Tommy's timber townships. After we'd stacked up our handwriting copy books and put Farmer Giles and Dobbin away, we had to help dismantle all the houses, shops, castles and stations that Tommy had built so that he could start over next day.

Turned out that Tommy and Celia belonged to the farm down the road and that their father had given up on farming and had taken up building houses out of brick and mortar. I suppose Tommy was being groomed as a builder and Celia was being prepared to do the accounts. Tommy sure could build and Celia, well Celia had shiny dark hair and a very nice smile.

In that respect Celia took after her father who also had a nice smile but had terrible rows with his wife whenever she found him in a local bar with a lady who wasn't part of the family. Mrs Reid would storm in there with a frying pan, wallop him over the head with it and drag him home. Ma said Mr Reid was a drinker, a womaniser and a disgrace to the area but at least he wasn't a gambler! I remember thinking Mrs Reid was pretty shocking too.

I don't know what happened to Tommy. For all I know he may still be building firewood cities somewhere. I suspect that like Celia, he got fed up with the rows and moved as far away as possible.

I wasn't there for more than a couple of months before I was moved to a much bigger school where the children wore school uniforms, where there was central heating instead of a coal fire and where the teachers were pinch face authoritarian lemon suckers who crammed fifty of us into rows of little desks with no spaces between them so that we could only get out of our seats at set times when everybody was sent out to the yard.

I hated it and I know that Tommy would have hated it too. Somehow it lacked the personal touch of the school run by the two old Corker sisters. The Corker house is still there, but the school and the two old ladies are long gone. It doesn't look anything like I remember it but I guess memory plays tricks. Still looks like a friendly place though. Ain't it funny how time slips away.

Here Comes The Judge.

58 year old retired District Judge Donald Thompson is accused of jerking his gherkin using a "penis pump" while presiding over two murder trials and a civil case in 2003. Judge Donald Thompson, held sway at Creek County Court in Oklahoma for 23 years but is now back in court charged with three counts of indecent exposure and getting "pumped up". Hell it's a sobering thought that those who preside over cases involving mere mortals and their moral turpitudes are just as fallible as those before them.

Creek County court reporter Lisa Foster told police she saw Thompson attach the pump to his penis while court was in session and operate the device, "causing air pumping sounds". Sheesh! Members of the jury claim they heard what sounded like a bicycle pump or a blood-pressure pump. One "heard 'a swooshing kind of air, like kind of ch, ch' and saw Thompson making some movement with his upper body and arms".

Special Judge C Allen McCall, called in from Lawton, Oklahoma, to hear the case has not yet decided whether jurors will get to hear Ms Foster’s 180 hours of tape recordings. Wonder if that old favorite of mine, Pigmeat Markham singing "Here Comes the Judge" is on those tapes? Thompson's Tulsa-based lawyer, Clark Brewster, said that his client kept the pump and a spare behind the bench as part of a collection of knickknacks that he often "fiddled" with during breaks, among them a stress ball, a shoeshine kit and handheld games. "It was a gag gift that was never operational," Brewster told Courttv.com. "He never attached the pump to his penis and he was not masturbating on the bench."

Well I should sincerely hope not. But fiddling with his knickknacks on the bench doesn't sound any better. I guess it's all a question of semantics. Oh and before I five knuckle shuffle off for a shot of caffeine and a nicotine jolt, it seems that the defense team are accusing the crime lab of misfeasance. The jerks broke the judge's pump. Imagine testing another man's pump! The things that these crime lab experts have to do in the line of duty! Hope they haven't cross contaminated any vital DNA samples.

Go and read all about it in Lisa Bloom's CourtTv report. And if you still don't believe it take a look at this.

False alarm

The trial has now been postponed until Nov. 7 because a judge who had previously recused himself in the case participated in the jury selection. Doesn't anyone take the law seriously down there?

It's A Joke

Dear Mr Bogs

Your photograph was forwarded to us as part of an article we are publishing for our next edition of Bisiness Review Monthly. Can you check over the format and get back to us with your approval or any changes you would like. If the photograph is not to your liking then please attach a preferred one.

No problem I prefer this one.

10Gb Broadband Joke

I pay for a 4Gb broadband feed from Blueyonder. Last night it was working almost as well as a 56kb modem feed. Now Blueyonder contact me and tell me that because of my loyalty they are upgrading the feed to 10Gb for less money a month. Guys I'd settle for the 4Gb feed I'm currently paying you for. It's a joke of course because if you triple my current download speed I still wouldn't be reaching 1Gb.

The interesting point to note is that these people offer up to 4Gb and up to 10 Gb feeds. So whatever crap speed my broadband modem achieves, as long as it is connecting, they are fulfilling their legal requirements. "Read the small print Sir."

As I say, I am currently struggling to download pages unless I sit up all night when the rest of Bogsville is in bed. This is definitely not a case of you get what you pay for.

Name Dropping

If I knew where Seize the Night had disappeared to I'd send for her and her gun. These jerks need pistol-whipping! I hope you are not reading this Shannon because you really ought to be revising.

MP3 Player

Question - "Do you fancy a 1Gb portable Apple or Sony Mp3 player?"
Answer - "No thanks. I'd rather have a Multi Media flash card."
Unbelievable but true.

Nerve Engine

If anyone is into headbanging there are two new tracks here together with details of future gigs.

Would you wear this?

Police arrested 20 year old gamekeeper Charlotte Denis for wearing a "Bollocks to Blair" T shirt at a game fair last weekend.

A tearful Denis was driven to a mobile police unit. "I asked the officers how they could arrest someone for wearing a T shirt and they told me it was because it would offend a 70-80 year old woman," she said.

Upset a 70-80 year old woman? What a load of bollocks!

À propos bollocks

From Milt's Spambag - Our Online Shop sells generic Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra. These are products that help men regain their erections during intercourse.

Excuse my ignorance but shouldn't that read "maintain their erections" rather than regain?

Caffeine Reduction Report

For the last three days my caffeine intake has been down from something like twenty cups to a maximum of four cups of coffee a day. I don't feel any better for it. I may be feeling more relaxed but there is little going on in my life that can cause stress except my tinnitus and that is still whistling away happily in the background like an old fashioned kettle.

The only thing that I have noticed is that I can almost read the words on the computer screen without my contact lenses and reading glasses and everything outside the window looks sharper. It could just be that the windows are cleaner than they have been for some time and that the sun is shining.

I'll give the reduced caffeine experiment another couple of days and if no eyesight or tinnitus miracles occur I'll come off the wagon again. I like coffee. Let's face it if I stopped doing all the things that give me pleasure because someone says they are bad for me there wouldn't be any point in getting up in the morning.

A moment of panic

I fear that Miss Roseberry is in danger of losing the plot here.

While I have no objection to the odd workout now and again,see my previous posts, I think I want out of this whole TB thing. I have a suspicion that her definition of T.B. is no longer Toy Boy but is now moving inexorably towards Toy Bogs.

While I enjoy the warmth of the relationship and lurrv red dresses, I am beginning to find the whole experience suffocating. Do I detect a hint of stress? Let me out of here!

Last Girl On Earth

I found a track that I like here. I have to warn you that the lyrics are fruity! But seems to me that Deni Bonet has the right idea and I always was a sucker for classically trained musicians of the female variety.

Compulsory Euthanasia Party

I made the long trip into Bogsville this morning just to make sure that the metropolis is still where it used to be. It is. It isn't worth visiting but it's still there. The names of most of the shops and stores have changed and they are full of final reductions that no one in their right mind would buy. I tried my damnedest to find something worth buying just to help the local economy but failed miserably.

Bogsville was full of old boggers careering around on their electric disability buggies. I think most of them limit their driving to Bogsville Shopping Centre and the dodgem cars when the fair is in town. The queue for the pensions, child support, housing benefits, winter fuel payments, welfare checks and any other benefit you can think of was twice round the block at the Post Office so I decided against trying to get a book of stamps.

I'm definitely voting for the Compulsory Euthanasia Party candidate next time round. That is if Miss Roseberry hasn't finished me off by then. She's a very powerful woman.

Mrs B. has returned from her mountaineering trip and probably wouldn't approve of Miss Roseberry's total disregard for my health so it's just as well that Miss R. is otherwise engaged today. But Mrs B. is off again tomorrow so I may be able to arrange for Miss Roseberry to squeeze me in during the afternoon.

I was concerned yesterday when she announced that what she really, really wanted was T.B. Now my Great Uncle Ernest suffered from T.B. and had to sleep in the open air. I didn't think Miss Roseberry would enjoy that very much but it seems that I misunderstood her. Her definition of T.B. is toy boy not tuberculosis but I'll suggest to her that our next session should be "en plein air". Purely for health reasons of course.

No Gain Without A Little Pain

When Miss Roseberry turned up for the second fitness session, Milt was too stiff to climb the stairs.

Miss Roseberry was not prepared to accept excuses.

"There's no gain without a little pain," she said, as she demonstrated her mastery of the fireman's lift. "I can see that we need to do a lot of work on your pain threshold."

Dreaming

When Raul first recommended a visit to Miss Roseberry, his personal fitness trainer, Milt had been skeptical.

Later he had to admit that she certainly knew her stuff. After just one session, he felt like he'd been put through the wringer - twice - and then been pegged out somewhere to dry.

The Californians

My request for information about tracks by the Californians fell on totally stony ground so I decided to post this to prove that the band actually did exist.

You will notice that top of the bill were the Walker Brothers and that ending the first part of the show was a relatively unknown Jimi Hendrix. That's a strange lineup - The Walker Brothers, Cat Stevens, Jimi Hendrix and Engelbert Humperdinck.

Just below Cat Stevens you might be able to make out the Californians. There is a larger version of the poster here.

Were you at the Winter Gardens in Bournemouth on Saturday 29th April 1967 watching The Walker Brothers / The Jimi Hendrix Experience / Cat Stevens / Engelbert Humperdinck / The Californians / The Quotations?

No, of course you weren't. You are all far too young.

For a short time, in honor of strummer and vocalist extraordinaire Adolphus J Goatcabin, here was Golden Apples by The Californians but I'm afraid you're too late - you've missed it.

Out there among you somewhere there's a guy called Jeffrey Glenn who lists 10 Californians' tracks in his top picks of Irving Martin Productions. You can find them here if you scroll down the page to number 14. The question is - who has copies of the tracks?

Home Alone

I have just discovered that she with ants in her pants has gorn abseiling and such like. I gather I was informed. Oh well... I wonder why the Californians always recorded in public toilets?

Basildon Tornado Appeal

A major Tornado (Shazza) measuring 5 on the Faaack scale hit in the early hours of last Monday morning. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackin ell" ...

The tornado decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Essex FM (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime did carry on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

How Can You Help

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

-- Fila, von Dutch or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop - "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked.
"ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that got to do wiv it?"

I would like to express my gratitude to UK Southern Gent for this totally tasteless story.

Decision could spell death knell for pub

A WALTHAM Abbey pub is in danger of drying up after councillors said no to longer opening hours. An Epping Forest Council licensing panel heard that 'wakes' for the deceased at the quiet Spotted Cow in Fountain Place only marginally compensated for a general decline in business.

Wakes for the deceased! Faaak! Now there's a money spinning idea for the Hole in the Ground bar.

Coffee Consumption Questions

Jiminy Glick how dare they ask me all these personal questions!

• Do you consume more than two cups of coffee in a day? Yes.
• Do you feel fatigued on and off during the day? - Yes.
• Do you suffer from constipation or are you dependent on tea or coffee in the morning for clearing your bowels? - Jiminy Glick!
• Do you suffer from acidity or heartburn? - Yes.
• Do you feel a generalized pain in the neck, shoulders and back region and a sensation of discomfort in the legs, hands and stomach? - Yes.
• Do you suffer from burning, fatigue and heaviness in the eyes? - Yes.
• Do you have difficulty in going to sleep? - No.
• Do you wake up in the morning feeling dead tired? - Yes.
• Are you easily irritable? - Yes.
• Do you suffer from irregular or rapid heartbeats? - Woo-hoo!
• Do you often feel dizzy? - Woo-hoo!.
• Do you have problems concentrating without a cup of coffee? - Yes.
• Do your hands tremor? - Woo-hoo!
• Do you feel dehydrated? - Before or afterwards?.

As you have answered seven of the questions with a 'yes' caffeine is part of your daily system. Removal of products laced with caffeine from your diet will improve your health considerably.

Excuse me but you forgot to ask if I'm any good at spinning spiders' webs. Excuse me while I go and brew up another pot.

Incidentally

A glick is apparently - A person who passes gas in the bathtub and has the dexterity and yearning to snort the rising bubbles with a straw. e.g. "Megnao Flimpis is reputed to be a glick...I'm not saying he is or he isn't....I just heard it from 6 people, read it on the stalls of 12 public restrooms and and found a cash register receipt for a jumbo box of straws from Sam's Club in his trash can."
Gleaned painlessly from the anals of Urban Dictionary.

Exodus of the Oldies

50 years ago or thereabouts two very earnest young men padlocked their bicycles to a lamp-post in Bogsville, removed their cycle clips and set off round the houses where they announced "The end of the World is nigh."

They handed out little magazines of comfort and then peddled off into the sunset.

The Exodus of the Oldies took place a few days later on a misty September 20 morning in 1954 or it might have been 1955, my memory often plays tricks with me.

Anyway this is the last known photograph of the happy band of Oldies as they wended their way up to the higher ground safety of Bogsville Bump or Bonk, as it was known by generations of randy Bogsville teens before the invention of the motor car and drive-ins.

The Oldies quite simply disappeared. They may just have kept on walking and ended up somewhere else or they may still be up there on the top of Bogsville Bonk. Sometimes on frosty evenings you can hear the ghostly sound of distant voices singing this really annoying ditty,

I love to go a-wandering along the mountain track,
And as I go, I love to sing, my knapsack on my back.
Val-da-ree, val-da-rah,
Val-da-ree, val-da-rah ha-ha-ha- ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

White is right

I have now got fed up with the poop colored background and gorn back to startling white. I won't write on colored paper and don't trust anything written on any shade of yellow. I think I'll call this color B&H white.

Ejaculations

I have just discovered "jiminy glick!" and "oh shit martin short!" both of which struck me as being particularly worthy of note. I hope to use both of them, preferably in association with woo-hoo!

Californians

Whatever happened to a sixties band called the Californians, that's era not age group? Does anyone have a track called Golden Apples? It has to be by the Californians. No other version will do.

Fair Trade Coffee

Starbucks is selling Pumpkin Spice Lattes again! Woo hoo!

Another Woo hoo! I just love them. I can't get enough of them and I can't pour enough coffee down my throat either. I must be a walking Woo hoo the amount of caffeine I consume.

Woo hooed up to the eyeballs I went coffee surfing. Oh dear. The $3 you shell out every day for one latte at Starbucks is equivalent to the daily wage of a Central American coffee picker.

So what about Starbuck's commitment to Fair Trade Coffee? Oh they sell it but it's hidden away pretty well on their website and is described as being "on the mild end of the Starbucks taste spectrum." Doesn't sound like enthusiastic marketing to me.

Many Starbucks cafes will brew a pot of Fair Trade - but only if you specifically ask for it. Fair Trade Coffee has yet to be promoted as the brewed Coffee of the Day, which is the only way to ensure real volume for Fair Trade Farmers.

So next time you shell out for your caffeine kick just remember that the poor sod who picked the stuff only picked up the cost of one latte for a full day's work.

Making a film or documentary?

If you are you will need a soundtrack. May I suggest a trip to Oliver Ledbury's Site over there in the UK.

How to get rid of wankers

Unfortunately this is totally beyond me, but I do know that the UK has a champion wanker of its own who seems to think that the US model is always "way to go".

Bald Knob Trucker Tale

Bald Knob Keith Lowery sounds like a sore trucker to me. He turned up at Sensations nightclub in Jacksonville with a group of Bald Knob friends to celebrate his 31st birthday. They organized a whip round and arranged for three "exotic dancers" to give him a "spanking".

Bald Knob Keith was handcuffed and spanked with a three foot paddle and a belt while one of the girls "restrained" his head with her legs. Woo-hoooo! Kelly Eslick, who works at Sensations nightclub admitted that she used a paddle drilled with holes for less air resistance. Cool!

Poor old Bald Knob trucker reckoned he was getting more than his money's worth of Woo-hooo! and begged the gals to stop but ended up with a purple butt and called the police.

The three paddlers have been charged with battery and with participating in an obscene performance at a live public show, punishable by up to 10 years in prison. Excuse me but didn't Bald Knob trucker and his "buddies" play any part in this?

I suggest that Keith Lowery should relocate from Bald Knob to Idiotville in Oregon, Tingle in New Mexico or Pratt's Bottom in Greater london UK if they'll accept him there, which is doubtful and that Kelly Eslick and her assistants relocate to Bogsville as soon as possible.

Busy Doing Nothing

Everyone and everything seems to be very busy in Bogsville.

Well nearly everyone. I'm pretty busy doing nothing. Maybe I should build a boat.

Grans Are Cool Day

Today is Grans are Cool Day here in Bogsville. So here's one for all you grans out there.

It’s the little old lady from Pasadena
Go granny, go granny, go granny go
Got a pretty little flower bed of white gardenias
Go granny, go granny, go granny go
But parked in her rickety old garage
Is a brand new shiny red super-stock Dodge

And everybody’s saying there’s nobody meaner
Than the little old lady from Pasadena
She drives real fast and she drives real hard
She’s a terror out on Colorado Boulevard

It’s the little old lady from Pasadena

JAZZ FOR HURRICANE RELIEF

JAZZ FOR HURRICANE RELIEF at BB King's
237 West 42nd Street NY

featuring

WYNTON MARSALIS
CASSANDRA WILSON
MCCOY TYNER
ROY HARGROVE
JIMMY SCOTT
& SPECIAL GUESTS

to benefit the New Orleans Musician's Clinic and the New Orleans Musicians Hurricane Relief Fund

Afternoon Concert on September 24th at 12pm
Purchase Tickets

New Orleans Musicians Clinic
New Orleans Musicians Hurricane Relief Fund

BB Kings Blues Club & Grill:
237 West 42nd Street
between 7th & 8th Avenues
www.bbkingblues.com

Homer's Afflatus

"The miraculous spring that nourished Homer's afflatus seems out of reach of today's writers, whose desperate yearning for inspiration only indicates the coming of an age of 'exhaustion'."
John Barth - "The Literature of Exhaustion".

Blogger Validates

Thanks guys for changing the html for the Flag button. What a difference a <br /> makes.

Bush Leak

Photo link here Rick Wilking Reuters.
"I think I MAY NEED A BATHROOM break? Is this possible. Wha.."

The Reuters caption reads - "U.S. President George W. Bush writes a note to Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice during a Security Council meeting at the 2005 World Summit and 60th General Assembly of the United Nations in New York September 14, 2005."

Let's hear it from the handwriting experts.

Knacker's Yard, Bushmeat & Dental Tips

I smoke too many cigarettes, drink way too much coffee and Bogsville beer and only eat when my stomach tells me I have to. In other words I'm a medical disaster waiting to happen. I'm force fed a huge cod liver oil capsule every morning but now I read that I should avoid taking cod liver oil because it might cause osteoporosis.

Has anyone got the phone number for the Bogsville Knacker's Yard?

Bushmeat

It's safe for Brits to eat Bushmeat if it's cooked correctly. Always suspected they were a bunch of cannibals. "Bushmeat poses an 'extremely low' risk of life-threatening infection from anthrax, brucellosis and monkeypox virus to people who come into contact with it before it is cooked."

Anthrax, brucellosis and monkeypox virus! Just stay the hell away from Bogsville will you George!

Useful Dental Tips

In order to avoid a cracked tooth, steer clear of chewing ice, popcorn kernels, hard candy and nuts, dog biscuits, coal or T.V. remotes. And, in order to prevent getting anything caught between your teeth, do not cut or rip things, such as tape or sealed packages, with your teeth. Perhaps making a bra out of a pair of panties wasn't such a good idea after all.

On reflection, having panties caught between my teeth sounds good to me.

Majorca

For some reason or another I made a spur of the moment decision to fly out to Majorca for a few days. I have no idea why.

I parked the car near the airport and set off for the check in. At that point I realized I had left my passport in Bogsville and tried to text home to explain my predicament. I succeeded only in making a voice call to the singer in some rock band who was no help whatsoever. "Happens to me all the time Man," he said, at which point I woke up in the bloody back garden. Thanks for suggesting I should lie down and rest up a while Cheryl.

Duncan Fletcher England Cricket Coach

In March 2001 Jenny Booth, writing in the Telegraph, reported that Zimbabwe born England Cricket Coach, Duncan Fletcher's application for British Citizenship had been rejected by the Home Office. The Telegraph article indicated that his first application had been made in 1991 and that in all, three applications had been rejected.

Another Telegraph article published four years later in 2005 suggested that the Home Secretary might use his discredionary powers "to override technical difficulties".

I should bloody well hope so!

Latest

The Home Office have announced that Duncan Fletcher has been given a British Passport. A spokesman for the Home Office said that it was a coincidence that it was granted the day after England won the Ashes series against Australia.

Sprinkler System Splashback

There was an unsavoury development at the Tulip & Tiara on Sunday night. The Men's room developed a plumbing fault and was out of order some time last week but by Sunday it was open to traffic again. The management had come up with a novel way of keeping the urinals spotless. Thick black plastic wrap.

By the time you've had a few beers and have estimated that you are ten seconds away from disaster, the last thing you want to be confronted with as you dive in there, sprinkler system in hand, is a black plastic sealed urinal that sprays the stuff back at you as fast as you can produce it. At least I noticed it was there and made a detour to the Crapper. Plenty of other guys hadn't bothered.

Reminds me

Reminds me of a trick played on an unpopular boss once. Someone cling-filmed the executive washroom w.c. Rotten trick that. Ruined the guy's afternoon. Gave a whole new meaning to the word splashback.

Update

Made the two mile walk to the Tulip again tonight and the blackwrap is still in place. If this goes on much longer I'll have to get some spaceman underpants.

Big Stiff's Bar

Big Stiff's bar, the converted funeral parlor, has decided to add pole dancing to its entertainment offerings. I just hope that they aren't thinking of rebooking Saturday night's sellout Firemen. I heard through the grapevine that they had problems unrolling their hoses and that one member of the act failed to show. I gather it took the whole of the Bogsville police force to prevent the Ladies' Night crowd from turning the bar back into a funeral parlor.

Don't think I'll be going back to Stiff's in the immediate future.

Latest visitor

Greetings to the person who drifted in via an MSN search for "recently peed in thongs for sale". Word gets around fast these days.

New Hygiene Regulations

The refreshment room at Bogsville Bus Station introduced new hygiene regulations last week on the day I popped in for my afternoon cup of coffee and a pretzel croissant.

As I lifted the lid of the display cabinet and reached for the croissant the guy behind the counter said,"Hey Mac, use the tongs will ya. It's the new hygiene regulations. Everything's untouched by human hand now, so use the tongs will ya."

I reached out with the tongs, captured an elusive pretzel croissant and dropped it onto a plate. The guy nodded in approval.

"Hope you don't mind me pointin' this out," I said, "but you've got a piece of string hanging out of your flies."

He nodded. "Sure have. It's the new hygiene regulations. I need to take a leak, I go to the washroom, unzip, pull the piece of string and pee. All untouched by human hand."

"Hey that's a great idea," I said. "Only one problem. How do you get it back in your pants afterwards?"

He smiled. "No problem at all Mac," he said. "I use the tongs."

Girls' Night Out

Anywho - Bogsville Bars don't come any cooler than Big Stiff's converted funeral home bar. Last night the notice on the lounge door read Girls' Night Out and the front bar area was deserted except for three old guys puckering up to their beer and watching the lights flashing on the bandit. Wow! This is it Milt. Girls' Night Out. This is the place to be. All Depeche Mode and Siouxsie Sioux eyes. I was wrong.

"Yee-Ha!" rang out from next door and was repeated eight or ten times. Then all hell was let loose. There must have been 150 red hot mommas in there keeping time, stomping their feet: "Oh-ye-haw, oh-ye-haw, yee-ha-ha -yee-ha-ha- yi- ha-a-a-a. Woo-Hoo!"

The three old guys looked at one another nervously and puckered up to their beer again. The DJ next door announced "It's Raining Men."

“Woop! Woop! Woop!”
"Hallelujah!". Accompanied by frenzied stomping. Whistles and wilder, louder stomping shook the foundations. Those women had turned off their brains and were suffering seriously cranked up libidos.

"Hiyooooo! Woop! Wooop! Woooop! Yee-haaa! Yee-haaa!”
"woo-hoo! woo-hoo! woo-hooo!" and even more "Woo-HoOOo!"

It's Raining Men came to an end, the three old guys raised their eyebrows, finished their beers, picked up their little cases and headed for the washroom. Minutes later they reappeared dressed as firemen and set off purposefully for the lounge area door.

I finished my beer and wandered off outside. The stomping and singing was even louder out there, "Come on baby, light my fire. Come on baby, light my fire. Try to set the night on fire. Come On! Come On, babe! Yeah! Wow! come on! Muahahahaha! Woo-Hoo! Woo-Hooo! WOO-HOOOO!"

"wOOt! wOOOt! wOOOOt!" Stomp, stomp, STOMP.

I opened the trunk of the car and dropped my little case inside. "Sorry girls but there's no Milt today," I said to nobody in particular and set off for the safety of the Tulip & Tiara.

Woo Hoo

Meanwhile ... Thursday night in another part of town.

"WOO HOO......."
"Oooooooooooo I know."
"OMG.......quick!"

By way of explanation

I like reading woohoo and words like that on pages. I was brought up on "gosh" and "golly" which no longer appeal to me in the slightest. Woo-hoo or woohoo, on the other hand do so I pinched a few lines of who-hoo text and just put them closer together than they were in the original. Somehow the edited version seemed more suggestive.

If anyone has other woo-hoo type ejaculations please leave them in the comment section. I think I did once use yee ha. I'm desperately trying to increase my vocabulary despite having just discovered that in The Sims 2, "Woo-Hoo" is their euphemism for sex. "WOO-HOO!"

Charlie Knuckles Plays Roulette

Charlie Knuckles was a big guy. He didn't much care for the name Charlie, much preferring to be known as Charles. I guess he felt that Charlie suggested he was lacking in brain power. Despite or because of this, we continued to call him Charlie.

His main claim to fame at one time was that he shared a joint bank account with his father which I guess made his father a Charlie too because Charlie Knuckles used the joint account to run up a big debt on the roulette tables.

Like most gamblers he thought that if he spent just one more night on the tables, he would be able to put the money back in the account and the old man would never find out. Another night on the tables, another big loss, Charlie couldn't put the money back in the account and his old man did find out.

We expected to see Charlie hobbling around with broken legs but it didn't happen. He just ended up with broken knuckles.

He bet us that he could get the fairground test your strength punch-ball to register "Very Strong" on its dial. We bet him that he couldn't. He jumped at the chance to make some easy money, took a great swing at the ball and hit the steel frame that supported it. The test your strength dial registered zero, he lost the bet and broke the knuckles on his right hand.

Once a Charlie always a Charlie, or as Charlie Knuckles preferred to say, "You win some you lose some." Trouble was, Charlie never seemed to win.

Joe Won't be At Work Today

There was a very broad Irish accent on the other end of the phone.

"Hi there is that Mr Bogs?"
"Yes it is. You're speaking to Milt."
"This is Mr Murphy, Joe's father. I'm ringing to tell you that Joe's very sorry but he's not well and won't be at work today."
"I'm sorry to hear that Mr Murphy. Hope he's going to be ok."
"He's got the diarrhoea. At the moment it's running all through the house."

I put the phone down and wandered off with the image of the Murphy family staving off impending disaster with scrubbing brushes, squeegees and a bucket of very strong disinfectant.

Iron Hymen Education Program

Thanks to April at 4 Moons for pointing me in the direction of the Iron Hymen Abstinence - Only Education Program.

Goose Bumps

I'm currently suffering from a serious outbreak of goose bumps as I watch a video of Carina Round singing Into My Blood.

Orange Hash Key

I've got a mobile phone that I hardly ever use. Occasionally I get a text message and that's about it. It's pay as you go because I use it so infrequently. Yesterday I discovered that my credit was just about used up so I decided to buy more credit.

This morning I try to do it online, Orange tell me that the phone isn't registered with them.

Oh yes it is registered with Orange because I topped up on line last time the credit ran out. I decide to re-register anyway as they've just told me that it isn't registered with them.

Big mistake because the website then tells me I'm already registered with Orange. I go back to trying to top up online. Again they tell me the phone isn't registered with Orange. Excuse me but didn't you just tell me that it was?

I decide to phone them and top up that way. After ten minutes of trying to put in this number and that number followed by the pound key (hash key), the computerised lady's voice tells me that she is sorry but I've made a hash of it, "Press 1 to hear the current message again" and rings off.

I decide to ring computerised Orange lady on the house phone. This time the recorded lady asks different questions. I punch in an amazing number of secret numbers followed by the pound key (hash key) and she tells me we are almost finished now. Eventually I have to put in the number for the amount of credit that I require, followed by the damn pound key (hash key), and I'm assured that it has been added to my account. I'm sweating, shaking like a leaf and am convinced that I've just donated money to Joe Scammer's "You just made me a millionaire personal account".

Look Orange all I need is a number to dial, preferably without using the pound key (hash key), that will get me through to a human being. At least I now know where the pound key (hash key) is.

Pound or hash key it's a pain in the ass when a recorded message keeps telling you to press it and you have to look to see where it is so that you miss half the next message. "Press 1 to hear the current message again."

The President Said

"This is a storm that requires immediate action now," the President said after a daylong tour of Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana. "I understand the devastation requires more than one day's attention. It's going to require the attention of this country for a long period of time."

It's good to know that there is a politician somewhere who has his finger on the pulse. You can fool all of the people some of the time... Now who was it who said that?

I sit and read a piece by a guy who isn't in New Orleans about his memories of the place in 1950 something. It's pretty but it's as pointless and as nauseating as the woman who blogs about her fears for the animals in the Zoo and the beautiful buildings in the French Quarter.

The Zoo has lost a few flamingoes and the rest of the animals have food and water, while the historic buildings are just fine, which is a lot more than can be said for the poor people caught up in the disaster who are still waiting for help.

Result - Birth Control 0 Brian 7

I used to know a guy who married a very attractive Catholic girl. Before the wedding he took instruction in the Catholic faith and agreed that any children would be brought up as Catholics.

The guy was a natural when it came to following the Catholic Church's teachings on birth control but proved that his sense of rhythm and timing were so way off that he and his wife were eventually the proud parents of seven children. Somewhere along the way his permanently pregnant wife began to show signs of wear and tear.

After the sixth child was born the guy's brother took pity on her and sent him a card with a condom attached. The card read "Do you remember what this is for Brian?"

Unfortunately he attached the condom to the card with a pin. Result - birth control 0 Brian 7.

Fertility Problems

The Bogsville Gazette is carrying a story about women and fertility problems. The story is based on a survey carried out by Pregnancy and Birth magazine whatever that is.

This highly scientific survey of 2000 women who have an average age of 29, found that 68 percent of women continued to drink while trying to conceive.

The survey went on to point out that although there is a clear link between tight underpants and lower sperm production, 79 percent of men continued to wear tight underwear while trying to impregnate their partners.

If this is the case I'm not surprised that fertility problems are soaring. I would definitely have problems trying to impregnate a woman who insisted on drinking a pint of beer or lager while I was on the job and as for the dumb-ass males who attempt sex while wearing tight underpants, well say no more. For fertility problems read crass stupidity.

Cold Showers & MP3 Players

Comments on my panties post have left me in need of frequent cold showers. One of the problems of having an over active imagination I guess. Unfortunately the cold showers haven't really helped at all. In addition I got a call from the Bogsville Water Board asking why I was using so much water and had I suddenly sprung a leak? As I am on a metered supply I feel that my personal plumbing is none of their business.

MP3 connection

In the cool of the Bogsville evening I wandered off to the Tulip & Tiara where I met up with Raul. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the bar was devoid of females who needed my services as a bra manufacturer so we were able to concentrate on the more serious problem of how to connect an MP3 player to a car stereo without losing quality. Here is a page outlining the possibilities. Raul would prefer an electrical connection. I'll settle for any kind of connection. All suggestions welcome.