Myleene Klass

Keep music live! I Want To Be Sedated - Online Dictionaraoke

West Midlands Police have enlisted celebrity help to swell the ranks of volunteer 'Specials'.

They seemed to have run out of belts and skirts by the time Myleene Klass turned up for her photoshoot.

UK Comedian Ken Dodd offered the following words of support,

"I feel constabularised to be supporting this fabulous recruitment campaign. By jove, what a wonderful day for walking the beat."

Walking the beat Ken? They haven't done that for years.

They all might have to go back to 'walking the beat' if they don't find that tyre slasher. According to tonight's paper, sixty 'Specials' were drafted in from other forces last Saturday afternoon to reassure the locals and put pressure on the local Bogsvillans.

Sorry guys but it's a well known fact that Bogsvillans slash tyres at night, under cover of darkness. Meanwhile the police have asked for anyone with video footage of the tyre slasher to hand it in at a local police station. What a great idea! I'd feel safer if Myleene Klass was in charge. Pity she's such a messy eater.

Sunday Guinness

Makes a change Pan Fo'r Nos Yn Hir - Treorchy Male Choir

It's 5:15pm in the local Irish bar and the pints of Guinness are not the only attraction.

Up in the corner of the room the TV screen is showing Songs of Praise with the subtitles switched on so that the Sunday karaoke crowd can join in with the hymn singing. There's just one problem. The subtitles are in Welsh. Well it is the local Irish bar and after a couple of pints of Guinness no one seems to notice. They're all waiting for the Elvis impersonators to arrive.

Reverse Psychology

Track of the day How About You - Oscar Peterson Trio.

Just over a week ago, between 15 and 50 cars had their tyres slashed in the streets round where I live. The immediate police response was to say that they would be increasing police patrols in the area. Increasing? As far as I can see, there have been no patrols for a number of years now which is probably one reason why idiots feel able to slash tyres with impunity.

Last night's paper reported that the local police force was drafting in extra 'Special Constables' to address the problem.

I don't wish to seem negative here, let's face it any presence is better than nothing but there has to be something wrong with a police force that relies on volunteer, unpaid 'Specials' to solve its problems.

Two years ago ex heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis explained that he didn't feel 'special' enough to do the job of a Police Officer. He felt that he would want to get 'too hands on with people'. Another recruitment masterpiece used Lisa Potts, the nursery nurse who put her own life at risk protecting 4 year old children from a madman with a machete. She didn't feel qualified to become a police officer either.

I've no idea how successful these reverse psychology campaigns were but according to Hansard, the outlay for TV adverts was £1,020,000 on Regular Police recruitment and £1,700,000 on 'Specials' recruitment. I'm sorry guys but if neither the giant Lennox Lewis nor the diminutive Lisa Potts felt up to doing the job, that doesn't actually give the rest of us much encouragement.

The current campaign to recruit 'Specials' uses the same reverse psychology technique. "I couldn't be a volunteer police officer. Could you?" and the small print continues in the same vein, "Could you do everything a regular officer needs to do, and hold down your job at the same time?"

Before you rush off to volunteer, the following occupations are considered incompatible with the office of constable and it is recommended that applicants employed in these occupations should not be appointed to the Special Constabulary. This list is NOT exhaustive:
Members of the armed forces. Members of the fire service. Traffic wardens and school crossing patrols. Employers of security personnel, guards and doormen. Neighbourhood wardens. Civilian detention officers. Prison custody officers and finally, persons taking an active part in politics.

Still interested? "All applicants are assessed by occupational health to determine, whether, from a medical point of view, applicants are suitable. The medical appointments are approx. 40 minutes. The medical consists of a hearing aid test, eyesight test and a drug test." You’ll also need to take the national Job Related Fitness Test to ensure you can undertake physically demanding tasks like running, chasing suspects, and handling police equipment.

Reassuring isn't it?

Keep Music Live

Video Offering Never See Me Fall - Nerve Engine.
Or if you can't wait for the video to load - here's the MP3.

The postman delivered the receipt for my congestion charges voluntary contribution. It's good to know that I'm doing my bit to finance the City of London. Next time I drive around and around down there, Volvo will be wearing false plates.

I'm also doing my bit for relatively unknown bands that work hard and get little or no publicity, so here's another link.

The floppy lady picture the other day was taken of the singer from a band called the deBretts. There's a track by them on Myspace here. If there are live bands playing around where you live, go and see them. They deserve your support. To hell with karaoke and discotheques.

Keep music live!

Award Winning Faggots

Milt's mobile recordings Never Waltzed - Ceiling.

My recent grand tour of the capital took more out of me than expected so when I staggered to the end of the road this morning to visit my local 'we've been on tv superstore' and spotted this sign I thought it was just what I needed to help me out around the house. You know, a bit of washing, ironing and dusting and that sort of thing. Anyway when I popped into the shop to book a couple I was told they were currently right out of faggots but I should drop in next door and see if Martin and Paul would help me out.

I always had my doubts about Martin and Paul in the local ladies' salon but even so I thought this notice outside the next door butcher's shop was in pretty poor taste.

Piccadilly shorts lady

If the little lady with dark hair and tan short shorts is still hanging around that subterranean bar in Piccadilly, I'd just like to say, "Hello. I'll get back to you when I've recovered."

Congestion Charges Scam

Track of the day Think - Lynn Collins & The JB's.

What an interesting couple of days. The GPS box talked me into London and then round and round and round and round. I think that "Recalculating" must be the name of one of the London Boroughs, I heard it so often.

"In 0.4 miles bear left and then keep right. Turn left now. Recalculating. Recalculating. Recalculating."

I drove round and round in circles during the rush hour and passed one police station at least three times. Always travelling in the same direction. What I was worried about was whether I'd got into the congestion charge area and how I would know if I had. I sort of assumed that I would get a bill sent to me if I had.

Much later, after I'd landed in the Loose Women Basement Rock Bar just off Piccadilly, it was explained to me that the charge would be £8 and I had until midnight to pay it, otherwise I would have to pay a fixed penalty of £50.

Mrs B. was contacted and got in touch with the helpful Congestion Charge switchboard girls. They explained that they couldn't tell her if I'd been in the zone until after midnight when they did a sweep of the database to see who hadn't paid. By then it would be too late and if I had been inside the zone, I would indeed be charged £50. They then asked if she would like to pay the £8 for me just in case. She paid.

Do we get the money back if I haven't been in the zone? No, just a receipt by post for the donation. What a bloody scam! It couldn't happen to anyone else.

Pickpockets & Loose Women

Track of the day All Along The Watchtower - Bob Dylan.

Merl has sent me a picture from Fort Lauderdale. Pickpockets, loose women, Ferraris and GT40s. Sounds just like Bogsville to me except for the sunshine.

I'm off "dahn sarf" for a couple of days to test out the GPS unit. I'm hoping to visit someone I used to be at school with and then find some loose women and a gig in Picadilly. I'll be avoiding the pickpockets.

I made the mistake of drinking in the Tulip & Tiara last night and am now feeling just a tad fragile. The manager seems to have given up on cleaning his beer lines. If his stomach was as sensitive to bugs as mine is, he'd be cleaning the pipes every time he pulled a pint.

Reputable Art Dealer Required

Track of the day Show Me How To Live - Audioslave.

Here's a question I found on a chat board last night:
"Does anyone know of a reputable art dealer in the area? I have a couple of items that really belong in a museum somewhere, and I'm not sure how to go about that. You can pm me if desired."
The response, posted just below it, read;
"No matter what your wife tells you, even given your age your left and right testicles do not belong in a museum."

Classifieds

Tired of working for only $9.75/hour?
We offer profit-sharing and flexible hours.
Starting Pay; $7 to $9/hour.

Two wire-butcher gloves.
1 - 5 finger, 1 - 3 finger, Pair: $15.

Wanted
A table for a lady with barley twist legs.

You want more cowbell? It's here.

33 Years Ago

I found some reel to reel tapes in a cupboard. On one tape there was an old news bulletin.

References to the Arab-Israeli or Yom Kippur War fought between Israel and a coalition of Egypt and Syria, striking firemen in Glasgow and a Watergate broadcast by Richard Nixon suggest to me that the bulletin was recorded at 11.00pm on October 25 or 26 1973.

Unfortunately the tape ran out before Nixon made his broadcast.

33 Years Ago

In 1973:
The last American soldier to die in combat in Vietnam, Lt. Col. William B. Nolde, was killed.
The Paris Peace Accord was signed by the U.S., North Vietnam, South Vietnam and the Viet Cong. The U.S. agreed to immediately halt all military activities and withdraw all remaining military personnel within 60 days.
The North Vietnamese agreed to an immediate cease-fire and the release of all American POWs within 60 days.
President Nixon Nixon agreed to turn over White House tape recordings to Judge Sirica.
In October
Spiro Agnew resigned as Vice President and was replaced by Gerald Ford.
A worldwide nuclear alert was caused by the United States during the Yom Kippur war.
Glasgow firemen went on strike for 10 days between October 26 and November 5.
Queen Elizabeth II opened Sydney Opera House.
Midnight Train To Georgia by Gladys Knight and the Pips replaced Angie by the Rolling Stones at number 1 in the Billboard top 100.
Daydreamer by David Cassidy was top of the UK charts.
Delta Dawn by Helen Reddy was at number 1 in Canada.

My liver was 33 years younger and the pop music scene stank - except apparently in Canada.

Lust Or TV?

Track of the day Between Lust & Watching TV - Cal Smith.



I've got a feeling that today's track is likely to cause domestic problems but I'm posting a link to it anyway.

I'm also reliably informed that The Arctic Monkeys did not sleep in their hotel rooms last night. Their doppelgangers would like to register their thanks.

There are any number of stories floating around about this week's two feeble security attacks on OS X. My favourite story is:

"One of the senior editors at Macworld has been trying for 12 hours to get this 'virus' to work on his computer. He's actually had to call in some IT types to figure out why it won't run on his machine."

Lunchtime Boob Job

Track of the day Titter Pipes - The DIVA Jazz Orchestra.

The era of lunchtime 'boob jobs' has arrived. If you have £4,500, you can now pop into the Medispa Clinic in Adlington, Cheshire UK during your lunchbreak with your woofers or tweeters and 'walk' out four hours later with painful perfection. No general anaesthetic, you can chat away while they cut or paste and you're in and out of pocket in no time.

Would be television presenter, Jessica Kirkham's 21st birthday boob job was part-funded by her saggy breast spotting, tactless mother and by a student loan.
She said: "The surgeon told me it looked as though I had breast-fed two children."

Smooth talkers these surgeons but was his comment made before or after the operation?

The president of BAAPS, said: "I am deeply concerned to hear of any approach which serves to trivialise major surgical techniques."

I'm just amazed by the whole thing. Hell, there's a six year waiting list for a digital hearing aid here in Bogsville. Maybe £4,500 or access to a student loan would help. Incidentally, all Bogsville baps are treated with great reverence, usually from afar.

Bling-Bling & Burpee

Track of the day Blues For Pat - Joshua Redman.

If you want everyone to notice you, don't make your entrance until everyone else is sitting down. Last night's concert in Boogersville was no exception. There we were sitting comfortably in the front row of the Dress Circle when the local civic dignitaries, sporting a fine line in bling-bling decided to get us to stand up so they could get to their seats.

For the fashion conscious - His bling-bling, 18-carat gold and of Greek design. Her bling-bling, 18-carat gold and enamel necklet and pendant, richly studded with diamonds.

I was well impressed I can tell you, especially when they nipped out again at half time, muttering:
"Got to get my nicotine fix!"

I'm not sure just where in the public building they ended up but they certainly weren't standing outside in the rain where the rest of us had to go to get our nicotine fix. Laws don't apply to dignitaries.

Magnificent mags Merl

Merl sent me this wonderful picture of a Fort Lauderdale mag wheel.

It's a very nice wheel Merl but I was more interested in the vote catching sign that was in the background.

Hell, if people are prepared to vote Burpee then they'd definitely vote Bogs. When I get elected and get me some important, official bling-bling I'll be able to smoke anywhere but I tell you if my name was Burpee I'd change it by deed poll. 'Deed I would.

Total Pariah

Track of the day Think - Mick Jagger.

That's it - I'm about to become a total pariah, banned from smoking in public places so I'm toying with the idea of becoming an MP.

The Houses of Parliament, will naturally enough be exempt from the ban, being classed as a royal palace.

I'm off to the market to get a few bunches of khat to help soften the blow.

Huge box

The friendly delivery man just brought another two freezer drawer fronts in a huge box. They are in good health, complete and undamaged, unlike yours truly.

Fort Lauderdale

Merl has arrived in FL and has slipped into the nearest bar to rehydrate. He is complaining of feeling tired. Have a good day Merl!

Long Live Cynicism

Track of the day My Funny Valentine - Lonnie Plaxico.

I post this wonderful picture in an attempt to escape from my current mood of deep cynicism. I spotted it months ago and kept meaning to post it but didn't. Today seems as good a time as any to put that right.

Hang on a minute I think there's someone at the door.

Oh dear

Yes someone did just ring the front door bell. How I managed to hear it I don't know but I did. The delivery guy handed over a package and I signed for it.

I took it into the kitchen and struggled to open it. There, beautifully entombed in bubblewrap plastic bags were two replacement drawer fronts for the upright freezer. When I looked more closely I noticed that both replacement fronts were broken.

Great! Long live cynicism.

Who'd Be A Policemen?

Track of the day Song To A Stranger - Fran Rogers.
A beautiful voice. The hairs are standing up on the back of my neck!

Just a reminder of the days when avuncular police constables still patrolled the streets on foot, suffered from corns and flat feet and were always available to tell people the time.
Larger version available here.

In the papers 30 years ago

Mr Taylor told the court that all the offences were committed before the boy was 15 years old.

A social worker told magistrates:
"These kids would not have such a bad record if the police would not keep arresting them."
The Guardian.

A rise of 14 per cent in deaths and serious injuries on Devon and Cornwall roads was blamed by police chiefs on the slow reactions of elderly pedestrians.
Portsmouth Sunday Independent.

Sex Pistol Sid Vicious, who agreed to hand over his passport to police only two days ago as a condition of bail on a drugs charge, was allowed it back as he may be travelling abroad.
Evening Standard.

Cannelloni For Safecrackers

Track of the day Too Cool - Joe Cocker.

It's very quiet around here except for the occasional sneeze.
She with ants in her pants has disappeared up north so I'm in sole charge of the kitchen again.

Yesterday, while searching for culinary inspiration, I listened to a guy with a very strong Italian accent explaining how to cook cannelloni. I think the piece was entitled "Cooking for Safecrackers" or "how to torture your food".

"I'm going to make the beautiful cannelloni. It's a very easy to make. And the greatest thing - you won't even need a blowtorch."

I switched him off immediately. Any suggestion of a blowtorch in the kitchen is the last thing I need. I still have nightmares about last July's fish fiasco.

Dripping Taps

Track of the day Tambourine Man - Byrds.

Anyone want a nose that drips like a tap with a broken washer? Dog and I have got the house to ourselves.
Dog has temporarily been banished to the garden because his tap has been dripping too.

"Quoi que puisse dire Aristotle et toute la Philosophie, il n'est rien d'égal au tabac; c'est la passion des honnêtes gens, et qui vit sans tabac n'est pas digne de vivre."
Molière - Don Juan

Rock on Don!

Wear A Sprout

Track of the day Whistle Stop - Ellis Marsalis.

This is neither a picture of Tony Blair preparing to change his religious faith to one requiring a turban, nor doing an impression of Basil Fawlty. It is a picture of him wearing a sprout. Hats like this are cropping up everywhere in Brussels.

George Bush has one too. I awarded it to him after he terrified the population of LA by announcing that intelligence prevented a 2002 terrorist attempt to fly a plane into the Los Angeles Liberty Tower.

He did in fact mean the Bank Tower or Library Tower as it was then known. At least he got the Tower bit right. Library Tower doesn't have the same ring to it as Liberty Tower. LA should rename the building immediately so that everyone knows which one he meant.

Clarification

Yersterday's Fort Lauderdale warning was unclear. I won't be there, Merl will. I will be nursing my bugs here in Bogsville.

Timeo Daneos

Track of the day Juke Joint - Lonnie Plaxico.

Some kind person has passed on a bug to me. As I hardly ever leave the house I can probably narrow down the source to three people. One of the three has recently been suffering from a bug and has, as they say here in Bogsville, "been under the doctor."

Merl, I owe you one.

If anyone reading this is likely to be in Fort Lauderdale next week at a computer convention, beware the smiling guy with the remnants of a head cold. He comes bearing a potent virus. "Timeo Daneos et dona ferentes." Make sure your firewalls are up and running down there in FL!

Lip Pursin' & Moanin'

Track of the day Moanin' - Art Blakey. (Moanin' requires RealPlayer)

There's a lot of puckerin' and pursin' goin' on round here. Every time I switch on the box, there seems to be a woman puckerin' and pursin' her lips at me. As a result of hours of painstakin' research I have discovered that "females initiate matin' by pursin' up their lips and makin' the moanin' matin' call".

As I say, there's a lot of moanin' and pursin' goin' on around here. I always thought the two were just an unavoidable by-product of marriage. Seems like I'm goin' to have to have a serious rethink.

Six Pairs Of Boxer Shorts

Track of the day You Make Me Wanna - Usher.

Smellyvision hasn't reached Bogsville yet, which is probably just as well if this picture is anything to go by. The woman fans her hands while the guy blocks his nostrils.

Years ago I was given this advice by a musician.
"If you hit a bum note son, just look at the guy next to you and kick him in the shin."
That lady looks to be in pain and she could be reaching for her shin.

Anyway, back to reality. Yesterday I girded up my loins, climbed into the car, switched on the GPS and made the short but exciting journey into the vast metropolis. The GPS confirmed the fact that I've been taking the correct route for the past 50+ years. I was so elated that I ignored the red flashing warnings that I was going through a speed camera area at over 30mph. Fact is there's a 40mph limit on the road. Dumb box!

Six pairs of brand new boxer shorts and blue socks later the dumb box returned me to my own driveway.

I meant to trot along to the Hole in the Ground to see what the workmen were digging out of the washroom pipes but I forgot all about it. Must have been carried away by all the excitement.

Tattooed Woman

Track of the day Pretty Woman - Roy Orbison.

When the guy brought my drink, he put it down in front of the blonde woman standing next to me. Then he looked at her, shook his head and moved it across in front of me. I smiled at her and she he smiled back.
"I wouldn't have minded," she said, "but I expect you would have."

She had the name "Terry" tattooed on her right forearm. It wasn't a professional job. The letters weren't in line and were faded. It was a bit of a mess. It looked to me like she'd done it one day years ago with a needle and a bottle of ink.

But there was something very sad about the way she had said, "I expect you would have." I decided I would have to get a t-shirt with "Terry" printed on the front and spent the rest of the night convincing myself that I wouldn't have minded, even if she thought I would.

As I told Mrs B. when I got home, "She did have a very nice ass."

Heavy Artillery Brigade

Track of the day Blues March - Art Blakey.

In recent years, Bogsville's 1st Heavy Artillery Brigade, nicknamed "The Big Guns" has continued to train for its wartime missions, with an additional focus on Peace Operations.

Hot Foot

Track of the day Shopping for Explosives - Martinibomb.

Thanks for yesterday's comment, Anonymous. I wondered why my teeth were shrinking.

I couldn't help but notice that he who stamped on the burning Danish flag in Basra yesterday, found himself with an unexpectedly hot foot.
Perhaps it was a message from the gods.

These placards on the streets of London certainly weren't.

Toothpaste Or Hair Gel

Track of the day Boonville Stomp - Whitehead & Coleman.

I think I may have a problem here.

"I'm going to the market. I'll get you some more toothpaste," she said. "Can you think of anything else that you need?"
I didn't realise that I needed more toothpaste but empty toothpaste tubes just creep up on me from nowhere these days. No, I couldn't think of anything at all. Well that's not strictly true but I couldn't think of anything like toothpaste. About an hour later she was back bearing plastic bags full of this and that from the market.
"Here's your toothpaste," she said and handed me a packet.



I looked at it, looked at her and looked at the packet again.
"What's this?"
"It's toothpaste. It's what you had last time."
"No it isn't what I had last time. The stuff I had last time said toothpaste on the packet. I don't know what this says. It could be shoe polish or oven cleaner for all I know."
"Don't be silly Milt. The man in the market said it was toothpaste. It was a real bargain. It only cost a third of what they charge in the supermarket."
I didn't like to ask which supermarket she was thinking of. So there you go, end of discussion.

I'm posting this picture in the hope that someone will be able to tell me what I'm sticking in my mouth. It isn't oven cleaner because I started using it two days ago and I'm not writing this from a hospital bed. I think it might be hair gel.

Prophet Cartoons Furore

I gather that most of the people who are venting their anger about these cartoons have not actually seen them. The whole series is available here should you wish to see what the furore is all about.

Crackpot Urban Warrior

Track of the day Gone With The Wind - Dave Brubeck Quartet.

Merl's face hurts. A long walk in the cold to a bar is painful so last night we walked the few yards to the Hole in the Ground. There, on the bar, was a notice explaining that it would be closed for three days, next week, for improvements.

The guy in charge explained that they are having to close down while the plumbing in the washrooms is fixed.

Seems that they had a visit from the local health and hygiene people. A local crackpot had tipped them off that the floors were regularly awash with urine and that the bar should be closed down on public health grounds until the problem was fixed. It seems that the health inspectors agreed.

Personally I object to being called a crackpot. Merl voted me Urban Warrior of the week.

Landrover Discovery

The guy next door has one of those big, macho go anywhere Landrover Discoveries. This morning the AA recovery guys were in attendance, fixing it. They were changing a tyre for him. He's obviously not a mechanical type. It is pretty tricky getting the spare off the rear door. Pfftt!

Beach Volleyball

Track of the day Humpty Dumpty - Jimmy Greene.

I think I can see why beach volleyball has become a popular sport to watch even if the women tend to wear big pants. I still cannot believe that some people thought H was wearing big pants. As far as I'm concerned, the size of the pants is totally immaterial.

This lady is Italy's Laura Bruschini. Her backside has been in the centre of my desktop since she won a gold medal at the 2000 Olympics. Hell of a healthy looking woman isn't she? I'm not sure why but this picture reminds me that I need to buy some new nutcrackers.

GPS

The postman just delivered one of those GPS direction finding units that fit in cars. Raul gave me a lift the other night and he'd got one chatting away to him, telling him where to turn left and where to turn right and when he was going too fast. As I had just struggled to find anywhere but Edinburgh, when I was supposed to be heading for Stirling on my way south from Aberdeen, I was impressed. So impressed that I ordered one myself. I am now going out to test it. If I master the buttons, the World is my oyster, as they say. If I press the wrong buttons I may not be back at all.

I'm back. The box talked me all the way to two bars and one supermarket and then back home again.

Jimmy Greene's website is here. He's the tenor player on today's track of the day. If you like jazz saxophone, other Mp3 tracks are available for free download there.