Volvo V40 Fault

Track of the day Volvo - Today's Volvo Fault.

Help! Volvo is making a strange noise. It's coming from under the bonnet from somewhere round the battery. I thought it was telling me that the battery was flat. The noise is there when the engine is turned off. The engine won't fire which seems to prove the battery is pretty flat so the charger is now connected up but the clicking is still going on. There's a box under the battery marked 'siren'. Could the clicking be alarm related? Anyone expert in Volvo V40 faults out there?

Update

It's alarm related. Lock the car with the remote key and the indicator lights keep flashing. Activate the central locking manually by turning the key and the doors lock but the indicators don't keep flashing but the alarm isn't set. Meanwhile the car sits in the driveway ticking away merrily, even though the ignition is switched off. It's something to do with the alarm circuitry but I've looked at the fuses and can't see a problem there. It will be expensive.

Satisfaction Guaranteed

Track of the day - Walking On The Moon - Police.

This morning Mrs B disappeared into the vast metropolitan sprawl that is Bogsville. She went in search of a market that sells potatoes and carrots. "What?" I hear you cry. "They still have a market in Bogsville? And people go there to shop, rather than visit a modern, gleaming supermarket, with handy car park full of spotless LandRover Discoveries?"

"Oh arrr. We do indeed and sometimes there be mud on the carrots and potatoes too."

Man on the roof

There used to be a guy in Bogsville who had a van that advertised
"The biggest and best erections.
Satisfaction guaranteed every time.
Or your money back."
He was advertising his television aerial service, but for some reason the slogan kept his phone ringing all day and all night. I haven't seen the van for years. Probably gave it all up and became a male stripper.

I only mention this interesting fact because we needed a second aerial and the guys turned up today. They were supposed to be coming on Monday but that's a holiday. Even aerial erection specialists need to recharge their batteries occasionally. The one guy is 75 and the other is a mere 67. It's more of a hobby for them these days but 50 years of paid erections must be some kind of record.

These days the 75 year old drives the van and carries the aerials, the youngster shins up the ladder and climbs on the roof.

SonicStage 1 - iTunes 0

Track of the day Rock This Town - Brian Setzer Orchestra.

I didn't think the enthusiasm for iTunes would last long. Its desire to create records of my favourite tracks and permanent connection to the web managed to crash XP half a dozen times, so I've spent the day stripping all the sound software and drivers out of the system. iTunes has gone and I've got the excremental SonicStage back recording tracks ready for transfer to the Mp3 player so it's SonicStage 1 - iTunes 0. As a result of all this pratting about I'm well and truly peeved and am giving the dancing man another go. Hope he gets blisters.

Mrs B had the day off and has been very busy. It makes me tired just watching her. God knows what she'll find to do tomorrow but find it she surely will. She always does.

Amazon Cds

Track of the day Rock This Town - Brian Setzer Orchestra.

Dear Amazon.
Back in November 2005 I ordered 3 Cds from you. The Cds were delivered. In December I received a second delivery of the same Cds.
Great, I thought, that's solved my Christmas present problem, I'll give them away. An email arrived from you explaining that you had made a mistake and asking for the return of the Cds so I returned them.
Today I received an email telling me that the same order has been dispatched yet again.
With Love from Jazz by the Stan Tracey Quartet and Live at Carnegie Hall by Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane are excellent Cds but I really don't need any more of them thanks.
Milt Bogs.

Which reminds me

I wanted to put the Monk and Coltrane Cd on my Sony player. Guess what - the bloody SonicStage software I have to use to load the tracks into the player told me I couldn't copy the Cd because it was copy protected. Breaking with old allegiances I copied it using iTunes. The iTunes mp3 files play in SonicStage so I'm assuming that they will transfer to the player.

Locked out

I mowed the lawn at the back of the house this afternoon and put the mower in the garage, another job well done. Unfortunately I shut the garage doors and then found I couldn't get back through the side gate. I'd already locked it. The gate's about seven feet high. If the local army recruitment guys had seen me going over it they would have signed me up on the spot. If the police had seen me (not much chance of that) I would have been arrested. There's only a very small rip in my trousers.

Gynaecologist's Appeal Rejected

Track of the day I don't need no doctor.

In 2003 Dr Andrew Gbinigie, from Barnt Green in Worcestershire UK, was found guilty of serious professional misconduct by the General Medical Council (GMC) but has now been told he can resume his career.

In November 2000 during an operation on a woman who was 20 weeks pregnant, the consultant gynaecologist and obstetrician ruptured the patient's uterus wall and removed her right ovary and fallopian tube. By the time he pulled out a piece of her bowel he realised something was wrong and called for help from senior staff. The woman's life was saved after three consultants at the Birmingham Women's Hospital carried out a five-hour emergency operation during which her right kidney had to be removed.

In August 2003 he was found guilty of serious professional misconduct but was told that he could continue to practise if he only worked in hospitals with intensive care facilities.

Appeal

Dr Gbinigie appealed to have the restrictions removed. Last Saturday the General Medical Council rejected his appeal because they said he had failed to notify potential employers of his past history.

New Requirements

For the next nine months Dr Gbinigie will have a mentor and will have to update his medical knowledge. Apparently this will, ensure the protection of his patients and enable him to resume his career.

It sounds to me like they are saying the guy is incompetent but if he messes up another operation the mentor will be able to sort it out. Just what is the General Medical Council playing at here and what does a doctor have to do to get struck off?

Way back in March 2003 they found that Dr Gbinigie provided an inadequate level of care to a patient, and performed an operation on the patient that was "beyond the limits of his clinical competence".

They also found proved that Dr Gbinigie "behaved in an improper and unprofessional way towards two female colleagues".

As far as I can see the guy constitutes a threat to the safety of unsuspecting women anywhere that he practises. The fact that he can only operate in hospitals with intensive care facilities under the supervision of a mentor, says it all. Are we really that short of gynaecologists?

Strike the pratt off the Medical Register and let the mentor carry out the work. That way we'll all be safer and the NHS will save a lot of money.

Got To Get Out Of This Place

Track of the day - We Got To Get Out Of This Place - The Animals.

Volvo had to go for its yearly roadworthiness test today. It passed but that's hardly surprising because it's only done 1700 miles since the last test.
Those 1700 miles include a round trip to a funeral in Aberdeen and a trip to London to see a band play. Those two trips account for 1,120 miles which leaves a grand total of 580 miles for the rest of the year, an average of just over 10 miles per week. Who am I to complain? I note that the US national average for petrol is roughly $3 (£1.68) a gallon, way below the equivalent $6.42 in the UK (based on a pump price of 95p per litre). I can't afford to drive anywhere.

I've got to get out of this place.

Celebrating Saint George

From the editorial in the Bogsville Bungle,

"From a glittering concert in Symphony Hall, to the Shakespeare Birthday events in Stratford and on to the chips 'n' burger merriment of parties in local parks, this was a celebration of every aspect of English culture and tradition."

Chips 'n' burger - English culture and tradition? I don't think so. Well, not unless tradition means post 1950, which is when Wimpey Bars started appearing in English towns. We got one here in Bogsville in 1960. I know that because Eddie Cochran's Cut Across Shorty was on the jukebox.

Who cares? That really is one hell of a butt!

Prostiutes & Kerb-Crawlers

Track of the day - When I saw Her Standing There - Beatles.

I'm not sure that a charge of 'prostiution' would hold up in court. Perhaps the lady should protest about lousy spelling. Here in Bogsville the police are out catching kerb-crawlers not 'prostiutes'. The local paper publishes the guys' details, well most of them. The police claim to have arrested 65 crawlers in the last two years with a successful prosecution rate of 90%.
Yes we're rapidly becoming a bastion of 'moral uprightness' and 'upstanding decency', except when it comes to drug running, stabbing and shooting.

Detective work

I have found a crossword puzzle published in a police newspaper. It seems that the wrong grid was published in last month's edition which made the puzzle pretty difficult, even for highly trained police personnel.

This month they published the same clues alongside an amended grid. If you can work out the amended grid I suggest that you should blast off an application form to the West Midlands Constabulary and get signed up as a detective first grade. Incidentally the solution was supposed to be on page 15 but the Pdf file only went as far as page 14. Here's the crossword puzzle. If you can work out the revampeded grid you're doing better than me. It's at the bottom of page two of the Pdf file on this page but last time I tried to connect, the link refused to open. Server problem no doubt.

Makes you wonder how they managed to catch all those kerb-crawlers. Maybe they were on their hands and knees in the gutter.

Let Slip The Dugs Of War

Track of the day - A Little Bit Of Cucumber - Harry Champion.

If you really want to help wipe out global warming use Shitbegone. "ShitBegone toilet paper is a quality product that exemplifies your attitude and approach to life. Part journey of discovery, part assertion of responsibility, part embrace of life, ShitBegone expresses hope and belief that a better world is possible".

Let slip the dugs of war!

I'm keeping a close watch on the skies. The mere thought of these mammaries of mass destruction dropping from a great height on unsuspecting Bogsville is enough to send me out for another roll of Shitbegone...

April Showers & Pilgrimage

Tracks of the day - April Showers - The Snow Fairies.
Or for the traditionalists - April Showers - Al Jolson.

And lo it came to pass that while the rest of the world suffered drought, here in Bogsville there was nothing but rain.

The water butts are overflowing and I keep thinking that we ought to get a couple more to store the overflow. This is good rain by all accounts. It's not the sudden, torrential rain that just runs off and floods everything, it's the steady rain that gets down into the water table. I guess it's those "shoures sote" that Chaucer wrote about in his Prologue to The Canterbury Tales blog.

No there's nothing quite like April showers piercing 'the droghte of Marche to the rote' to focus the mind wonderfully on making a pilgrimage. I don't mean a down on your knees, crawl all the way to a saintly shrine pilgrimage but one to somewhere hot, with an endless blue sky, where I could sit under a palm tree listening to Robot Car Song by Ceiling.

If only...

Crime Survey

Track of the day - One Chance - Nerve Engine.

Wisemonkey assures me that
in nearly half (48%) of all violent incidents in the UK, victims believed their attacker was under the influence of alcohol
the figure rose to 60% in cases of 'stranger violence'
only 17% of muggers were likely to have been drinking.

Is it better to be attacked by a sober mugger or by a drunk stranger?
From now on I'll make sure that I stay well clear of sober men.

Wisemonkey speaks again

An estimated 122 tonnes of cigarette butts, matchsticks and cigarette-related litter is dropped every day across the UK. This proves, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that smoking leads to a lack of hand-eye coordination rivalled only by that experienced by heavy drinkers.

Please help research by testing your own hand-eye coordination skills here.

Wisemonkey Blair & Crumple Zones

Video of the day Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen.

It's reassuring to hear that thanks to Wisemonkey Blair some GPs can clear £250,000 a year after deductions. I suppose I've left it too late to retrain.

At least I now know why they try to book me in for a cholesterol test or a flu jab every time I go down to the local surgery to get a repeat prescription for eye drops.

Every cholesterol test is worth points in their quest to meet targets and points mean money, money, money.

Crumple Zones Are Good For You

Modern cars are very safe. It's something to do with crumple zones.

I know this for a fact because two cars collided head on outside our house yesterday. Although the vehicles were very badly crumpled, neither driver was injured, which is a pity because they were driving like lunatics, if it's ok to say lunatics nowadays. I'm sure that most lunatics are very good drivers.

To celebrate their miraculous escape one driver fetched a bottle of 12 year old malt whisky out of his boot and offered it to the other who drank half the bottle.
"Thanks I needed that," he said and handed the bottle back.
"Not just now thanks," said the other driver, "I'll wait until after the police have been."

Which just goes to prove that you should never trust a man who drives around with a bottle of 12 year old malt in the boot of his car.

Dyson Cleaner

Track of the day Robot Car Song - Ceiling.

When the offspring drop in it's usually because they want something. Today it was the old Dyson vacuum cleaner that got transported elsewhere. I just received a picture of the Dyson dust bowl after it had finished one room.

Powerful suckers these Dysons! Just hope it left some of the carpet on the floor.

Talking of suckers

Every now and then I have a look on eBay to see if anyone is selling anything that I'm interested in. What fascinates me is the way that people will bid well over current shop prices to get what they are after.

There are a lot of eBayer bidders who should try looking prices up on Google before they go to eBay. I hear the conversation at the bar,
"Hey guys I just bought a used GPS unit on eBay. It only cost me £18 + postage more than a new one from the local Halfords store."

Amazing.

A Job For Superwoman

Track of the day The Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix.

Looks like we've finally found the solution for the rising crime figures here in Bogsville.

I was exploring the area on Google Earth, trying to find where the local arms stashes and marijuana factories are located when I spotted Superwoman. Trouble is I'm not sure whether she was just dropping in or out. One day I'm hoping to spot Daisy Duke dropping in.

Until I do here are a couple of magnificent porkers for all those people in Dudley or elsewhere, who are starved of pig pictures.

I hear that the whole of Bogsville could be dropped into the bottom of the Grand Canyon and no one would even notice. Sounds like a good idea to me. Now where's that Superwoman gone just when I've got a job for her?

Saintly Relics Needed

Track of the day Robot Car Song - Ceiling.

Greetings from Bogsville Heights. Dog continues to stagger around and his magnets end up getting stuck to just about any metal surface. Periodically getting stuck to a radiator doesn't seem to bother him but there's been no miraculous cure. He still has arthritis in his back legs. I'll have to try to get hold of some saintly relics but that might prove difficult in Bogsville.

Ceiling Drops In

One third of the Ceiling dropped in on us yesterday, that's the band, not the the flat surface overhead. Hence the track of the day offering.

Happy Easter.

Bogsville Police Survey Results

Track of the day One Chance - Nerve Engine.

A high powered survey, of 2,000 residents, commissioned by our trusty, local police force here in Bogsville, shows conclusively that

Dangerous driving and speeding
Dog fouling and stray dogs
Street cleanliness and litter
Nuisance caused by young people
and Damage to bus shelters

are currently the top five problems in the community, none of which, according to the Bogsville police chief are essentially the responsibility of his police service.

Our lofty police chief points out that the survey proves that "burglary, robbery, car crime and violent crime are not actually the main concerns of local people".

Strange really because national survey results published by the Home Office indicate that Bogsville's police force area "has a significantly higher percentage of people who were worried about burglary, car and violent crime compared with the national average".

What would really interest me would be figures for crimes solved set against crimes detected. I won't be holding my breath, just searching eBay for a stab proof vest.

"Spaz"

Track of the day One Chance - Nerve Engine.

The British press are lining up to have a go at Tiger Woods for his "On the green, I was a spaz. I lost it on the greens," comment.

I suggest they get themselves a few cans of Spaz Juice, book their tickets for Spaz at Hunter College, pay for a paraplegic to take part in a Mad Spaz Club activity, review Disney's The Wild, directed by Steve "Spaz" Williams and read the Washington Post review of Richmond's spaz-rock trio Rah Bras.

The guy is American and was playing golf in Augusta, Georgia not in the UK.

Birmingham Cannes Video Features Murdoch

Track of the day Falling Down - Murdoch.

Birmingham UK has spent £90,000 on a marketing video to replace one with a voice over by Telly Savalas that was made in the 1970s.

The latest video will be shown at next month's Cannes Film Festival for some reason or other and features the Birmingham based band Murdoch. Sounds like great publicity for any band. Best of luck guys!
The Birmingham video can be found here.

Stuck To The Boiler

Track of the day Calling Dr Jazz - Eddie "Lockjaw" Davis.

The magnet experiment on dog's arthritic back legs continues. Yesterday he was stuck to a metal paint tin and this morning he was firmly attached to the central heating boiler. Whether they are doing him any good at all is a moot point.
I'm pleased to report that the magnets sewn onto his collar remain firmly in place.

London Bombings Inquiry

I note that "an official inquiry into the 7 July London bombings will say the attack was planned on a shoestring budget from information on the internet, that there was no 'fifth-bomber' and no direct support from al-Qaeda. According to the report, the attacks were largely motivated by concerns over foreign policy and the perception that it was deliberately anti-Muslim, although the four men were also driven by the promise of immortality".

Now why doesn't any of that surprise me?

Monster Wind Turbines

Track of the day Queen of Argyll - Silly Wizard.

A map showing avian flu sites? No it's just the windfarm rash that's broken out all over Scotland. I'm glad to see that Scotland is doing its bit to provide alternative energy sources for the rest of Britain to power its iPod generation lifestyle.

Scotland must seem like a pretty empty sort of place if you live anywhere but in Scotland and ideal for monster wind turbines that are as high as twenty five double decker buses stacked one on top of the other. Trouble is that when you look at the map of wind farm developments it looks like there'll soon be nothing in Scotland but wind turbines.

I know that people will say it's a case of "not in my back yard" but there won't be any back yards left in Scotland if the power companies get their way. Some of these turbines are taller than a 30 floor block of flats or the Forth Rail Bridge!

If you feel moved to say "enough is enough" follow the link at the bottom of this page and register your concerns.

Almost Inseparable

Track of the day Stuck On You - It's Not The Beatles Hoss.

Wind Farm In Argyll

I'm posting a request that was sent to me today.

Please use this link to object to a wind farm on Largie Estate, the sixth in Kintyre and worst ever in Argyll, Scotland. The visual impact on Kintyre, Knapdale and Arran has to be seen to believed!
If you wish to register an objection the letter is here.

Back to the magnets

Dog and I've now got magnets stuck everywhere - they're in my ears, my underpants, on dog's legs, his back and round his collar. We are almost inseparable.

Mrs B. has boarded a plane and left us to it. Tomorrow I'm going to have to visit a few blogs to see if I can scrounge some edible food.

Animal Testing

Track of the day Bayou - Stanley Turrentine.

The batteries or magnets, if you want to be really pedantic about it, were delivered by the new postwoman. I'm not sure whether I was more excited by the magnets or the woman who was delivering them.

Dog now has four magnets on his collar. For all the good they are doing him they might just as well be batteries. I'm not sure whether he's just resting or stuck to the floor. I'll sew the rest into my underpants. It would be a sure-fire way of attracting any ladies wearing a chastity belt.

Animal Testing

Normally I'm opposed to animal testing. The poor creatures get very nervous and give all the wrong answers.

Batteries For Dog

Track of the day My Name Is Mud - Primus.

When you top up the water level in the pond it helps to remember to turn off the water when the pond is full. Unfortunately I forgot. No we don't have a hosepipe ban yet and yes we are on a metered supply.

Dog Batteries

My brain or my mouth has a problem with the word magnet. The problem is that the word keeps coming out as battery, so when I ordered a set of batteries yesterday, I really meant magnets. I knew exactly what I meant but the people I was placing the order with hadn't got a clue.

They aren't any common or garden magnets, these are rare earth magnets. I gather that if you stick two together, you can't pull them apart without a special tool. They are for Dog.

I'm going to string them round his neck to see if they help his arthritis. If he shows no improvement I'll just put him on roller skates and walk along in front with a metal bar.

The only thing that worries me is what happens when he stumbles up against the freezer and I don't have the special tool to free him. I suppose he could also get sucked up into the air by a metal light fitting or a passing helicopter.I expect they'll arrive tomorrow if they can separate them from the franking machine at the Post Office.

Happy Birthday Agnetha Faltskog.

Flat Spots

Track of the day Great Balls Of Fire - Jerry Lee Lewis.

Billboards advertising "Turbo-Cojones" in Miami’s Little Havana were taken down after people complained about them. Identical signs were removed in New York and Los Angeles.

I can report that there were no objections to the billboards in Bogsville except from guys who purchased the mean machine and found that their cojones had developed flat spots after only half an hour riding round the block.

There's been a birth in the family.

"How's Mildred's baby then?"
"She's ok. They have to keep her in an incinerator for a few days."
"Probably just to keep her warm eh?"
"Yeah."

The most reassuring thing about writing stuff that isn't funny is that you know that nobody is going to laugh at your efforts.

The Brothel

Track of the day BangKok Betty - The Logans.

There's a carwash operating round the corner. It's on the site of what used to be a garage and the carwash guys haven't got planning permission. An irate Mrs B. phoned council man about two months ago to complain. The man from the council said yes they are operating illegally and yes gallons of water are pouring down the main road out of town. She's not happy about this and is going to phone the council man again to sort him out.

She suggested tonight that if we set up a brothel here in Bogsville Heights, council man would soon be round to shut us down. I tried to point out that a brothel is not quite the same as a carwash but then I got to thinking that if she wants to set up a brothel here, I'd certainly be willing to sit in the doorway with the cash box and some knitting needles, as long as I got to hand pick the ladies. I think I'd start by hiring BangKok Betty. For future reference - All appointments will have to booked by email because I don't hear the phone ringing.

Oh well - Dum dum a diddly dum.

There's A Great Club In Town

Track of the day BangKok Betty - The Logans.

Another Friday evening in Bogsville, and having just received their Dole cheque, Gaz and Baz were trying to decide where to go to celebrate.
"I know," said Baz, "There's a great club in town we ought to try."
"What's it like?" asked Gaz.
"Well, you go into the club and up to the bar where they give you a free drink then you go upstairs for a shag. After a while you go back to the bar and have another free drink. Twenty minutes later you go upstairs for another shag. After this, you go back down to the bar for another free drink and then back upstairs for yet another shag! Finally you go downstairs for more drink and then you leave. On the way out they give you a hundred quid."
"Wow!" said Gaz, "That sounds great. Have you been before?"
"No," said Baz,"but my sister has."

Sounds like the ideal hangout for BangKok Betty, immortalised by The Logans, another UK band trying to make their way on the music scene. Listen to My Favourite Addiction here.

RyanAir On Google Earth.

Track of the day It's Raining Men (again).

I thought I ought to post this screen capture from Google Earth of a RyanAir passenger who decided that he wanted to land a lot nearer home than Ballykelly Camp army airfield in Northern Ireland.

At least this guy had a parachute, unlike the poor devil in yesterday's post.