Saturday.
I pass on this horror story courtesy of Graham Elderson over there in London UK who e-mailed it to me. This is the story of how an innocent trip to play soccer went horribly wrong for Abe Robsmann, one of his friends. It is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth albeit somewhat expurgated.
I'll let Abe tell his own story.
Yes boys and girls, we live in a Police State.......
Some of you may already know this, to the others I will explain my thinking.
This is a bit of a long read, so you might want to come back to it when you're having a break or something.
Yesterday evening I was driving to my weekly footy game. This is at the other end of town to me, and while driving through town, I noticed a camera in the road by a police car. I continued without concern as I was not violating the highway code (on this occasion). Within a mile or two, I noticed there was a police car trailing me, and it had been for the last half mile or so.
The lights went on and they pulled me over. I knew for a fact that I definitely wasn't speeding. Did I have a tail light out? I wasn't sure. Why were they pulling me over? I wasn't sure. A policewoman who looked about 16, with an IQ half that, invited me to take a seat in the back of their car.
"Was I speeding?"
"No, sir."
"Is there a problem?"
"We'll explain in the car, sir."
Rather confused I climbed into the back of the police car. The policeman in the front seat, who looked about 15, with an IQ a third of that started speaking:
"Is this your car, sir?"
"Yes. Is there a problem?"
"Is your car insured, sir?"
"Yes. It was renewed at the beginning of this month."
"According to our computer, you have no insurance, sir."
Hmmm, was it possible that the renewal hadn't gone through for some reason? Maybe, but I doubt it.
"I'm pretty sure it's insured."
"Well, sir, our computer says it isn't."
Your computer's talking crap then. I'd try to stay calm and reason with them, but reason tends not to go too far with pre-pubescent retards. I could only think of the 'Computer says no' character in Little Britain.
"Do you have the insurance certificate with you, sir?"
Yes, I often take my car insurance certificate to games of football, you twat.
"No, I'm on my way to play football, I've got nothing with me at all. Why don't you give me a producer, and I'll sort this out and take all the necessary documents to a police station tomorrow."
"I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that, sir."
"Why?"
"Well sir, if you drive off in that car, and have a crash round the corner, we could get in serious trouble for letting you go when we know you've got no insurance."
"But I have got insurance."
"That may be sir, but it's not showing on the computer."
"So what happens now?"
"Well sir, we have to get the vehicle towed from here to the nearest pound."
"So you're going to take my car away?"
"I'm afraid so sir, it's the latest instructions from the Home Office"
The Home Office had now given the police the power to stop ordinary citizens and take their car away because of a clerical error. Total bastards.
"How do I get it back?"
"Well sir, you've got 14 days to go to your nearest police station, with all of your documents, including your insurance certificate, and they'll give you a release document which will release the car for you and you can pick it up from the pound."
"Is this going to cost me?"
"The release fee is £112 sir, plus £12 for every day that it's there. If it's still there in 14 days it'll be sent to the crushers."
"But if I can prove that the car is insured and that this is an error, that fee will be waived, right?"
"I'm afraid not sir. The car pound is run by a third party contractor and they'll still need paying, irrespective of whose fault it is."
Oh the joys of private enterprise. The untold benefits they bring to the consumer and the tax-payer. What kind of country am I living in? First I get completely fucked over by the police and now I have to pay for the privilege. Is no-one going to acknowledge responsibility for this giant cock-up? Do the police get off scott free for this mess, and leave me with the bill?
"So how am I supposed to get home?"
The policeman then took a sharp intake of breath, the kind that a car mechanic takes before telling you that your broken indicator is going to cost 10 grand.
"Well, I'm afraid that's not our problem sir."
"I've got nothing with me at all, no money, no cards, no phone. Can I use your phone?"
"We don't have a phone,sir"
"Can you give me a lift home?"
"I'm afraid not sir."
You prat. You total, complete and utter bastards. BASTARDS!!!!!
"Well what the hell am I supposed to do, I live on the other side of the city?"
"There's a McDonald's round the corner sir, they'll probably let you use their phone."
Yes thanks you pre-pubescent twat.
So there I was, left on a street corner in Hunslet (hardly the thriving cultural capital of Leeds), wearing shorts and a t-shirt, all ready for football, with no phone and no money on the stormiest night the country has seen for a decade. Serve and Protect! - my big fat arse.
I went round the corner to the McDonald's (crossing the road to avoid the
drug dealers on the way), and called my dad and got him to pick me up.
Anyway, the next day I called the insurance guy to make sure the car was insured, he said it was and had been since 1/1/05, and I could collect a copy of the certificate from his office in town. I got a lift into town to pick up the certificate. It transpired that the company through whom I have my car insured had forgotten to update some kind of national database, which is why the whole thing happened. Water tight system you've got there Mr Blunkett.
I was about to go to the police station when I realised that my MOT and driving license were still in my car. Damn it. I called the car pound and asked them if they could look in my car to see if they were in there. They said that they'd have a look and to call back in 10 minutes. I called back 10 minutes later.
"Yeah, your MOT and driving license are here."
Phew.
"There's a problem though. Your MOT ran out yesterday."
I just don't believe this. Somebody really really hates me. Then I remembered that you are insured to drive a vehicle that does not have an MOT if you are driving it to an MOT appointment. I called my mechanic and explained the situation, he said I could drop it by that afternoon and he'd do it either that day or tomorrow. Great. However, I still had to convince the police to release the vehicle, despite the fact that it no longer had an MOT.
An hour's round-trip later (all the way to bloody Wakefield where the police had conveniently impounded my car) I went to the police station.
I really kicked off about how disgusted I was that the police could take away a perfectly legal car and leave me wearing shorts on a street corner in Hunslet during the worst January storms for years. In fact, I managed to kick up enough of a strop, that they actually forgot to ask for my MOT certificate, I finally get a break.
I then drove with my mum the hour long round-trip back to Wakefield to pick my car up, which I got back for the hundred-odd quid salvage fee.
Thankfully I can claim this back from the company who forgot to update the database. As I left the salvage yard I said to they guy there:
"Does it ever happen that people with perfectly valid documents get their cars taken away by the police, because of some computer cock-up?"
"Everyday." was his response.
PC Plod and a government of cretins. What a fine country we live
in, as Westminster use 9/11 as a thinly veiled excuse to crap all over us because they feel like it. Incompetent bastards.
My car is now with my mechanic who will MOT it tomorrow.
Be warned boys and girls big brother IS watching you, and he might just come and take your car away. If he feels like it.
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