Nobby's Nuts

Track of the day - All Crazee Now - Slade

He was short and he had big heels on his boots to help him see over the counter.
There were two women working the counter in the bank. When he'd gone, the older woman said,
"Do you know who that was?"
"Who?"
"The guy you were serving."
"No. Who was he?"
"Dave Hill, the guitarist in Slade."
There was a moment or two of complete silence and then the younger woman shook her head and muttered the following, never to be forgotten wordz,
"Who are Slade?"

I know who Slade are, or were, because Nobby's Nuts are on sale in the Hole in the Ground Bar.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

A New Church

Track of the day - Your Feet's Too Big - Fats Waller

Family folklore has it that an extremely wealthy relative who lived in Nassau, Bahamas, decided to buy his way into Heaven by financing the building of a new church.
This good deed would more than make up for all the pain and suffering that he had inflicted on anyone unfortunate enough to either live with or work for him.
As he crossed the street to hand over the cheque he was knocked down by a large motor car and rendered comatose.
He was taken to the local hospital where he remained in a coma until he died some weeks later. Perhaps he should have funded a new hospital.
The Lord moves in mysterious ways.

Mrs B is convinced that she has been reduced to skin and bone by her recent hospitalisations so I took her shopping for clothes this morning. She insisted on trying on everything that was marked Size 8. I think she must have very big bones or thick skin because Size 8 was far too small.

Which reminds me of a girl called Gaynor who was ashamed of her size seven and a half feet.
I could never understand why because no one ever looked at her feet.
One afternoon Gaynor came along with us to the local bowling alley where the bowling shoes were all clearly marked with their size on the back of the heel. She ordered a pair of fives, spent the afternoon in agony and never came bowling again.
Someone told me recently that she has now gone mad. I'm not sure that she was entirely sane back then but she was incredibly beautiful. I wore out a bicycle in my attempts to bump into Gaynor.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

James S. Whyte 1911 - 2006

When Mrs B. got home from her stay in hospital last Friday night she spoke to her father on the telephone and assured him that she was fine.
He died in his sleep some time early the next morning. He was 95 years old.

J.S.W. was born in Fraserburgh in 1911, won a scholarship to Aberdeen University and graduated in 1933 with First Class Honours in Mathematics and Physics.
At University he met his future wife Etta Graham, a fellow mathematician and member of the University Open Air Club.
His first teaching post was in the Mathematics Department at Banchory Academy where he stayed for six years before taking up a position at Kirkcaldy High School in 1940.
After only a month in Kirkcaldy he was called back to Aberdeen University to train officers needed for the developing field of radar technology.
When the war ended he returned to Kirkcaldy High School where he became Principal Teacher of Mathematics and then Deputy Rector.
In 1956 he was appointed Deputy Principal of Aberdeen Trades College which later became Aberdeen Technical College.
He was Principal of the College from 1968 until his retirement in 1974.
He was an elder at the West Church of St Andrew and later at Mannofield Church where he became President of the Senior Members’ Fellowship.
From 1992 to 1997 he was President of the Deeside Field Club and had been a member of the Aberdeen Business and Professional Club since 1967.

Swollen Lips & Breast Enlargement

Track of the day - All Right Now - Free

Mrs B's endoscopy revealed a slightly inflamed duodenum so they sent her home with a couple of boxes of pills. Two pills a day, both to be taken in the morning.
The most common side effects of the pills are: diarrhoea, constipation, feeling sick, vomiting, wind and stomach ache but may include swollen lips and breast enlargement.
Apart from the swollen lips and breast enlargement, these are the symptoms that she was being treated for during her recent eight day spell in hospital.
According to the instruction leaflet the pills will even develop breasts on men so I'm steering well clear of them.

Personalised Number Plates

It's against the law in Britain to supply or display illegally spaced or indistinguishable number plates.

The law states that,
"You must not alter, rearrange or misrepresent the letters or numbers
Characters must not be moved from one group to the other (e.g. A242 ABC must not be displayed as A242A BC).

Offences may result in any or all of the following:

A fine of up to £1,000
The registration mark may be WITHDRAWN
The vehicle may FAIL the MOT test"

The law is obviously working well!

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

Cut Up

Track of the day - Stormy Monday Blues - Earl Hines

I went to visit Duane to get my hair cut this morning. Duane was in fine form and told me all about the local 'we're open 12 months a year firework shop' that opened up at the end of October and then closed down again on the 4th of November.
At 5.30 on the 4th a couple of guys went in the shop and demanded the takings. There was only one assistant in there at the time and he told them the day's takings had already been banked. They didn't believe him and he ended up with slash wounds to his right hand.
The shop closed down that night.
I'm sorry the guy got cut up but I'm glad the shop has gone. We could all have got blown up. Duane knows about everything that's going on in the area.
He didn't know Mrs B is in hospital but he does now. He reckoned she was a lot safer in Hospital than she would be at home. I wasn't entirely convinced.

Hospital Run

The 9.00am scan showed nothing. No ulcer, no gallbladder abnormalities and definitely no gallstones.
This afternoon's endoscopy was postponed until tomorrow morning. The stomach consultant had a 'very full diary' and was hoping the scan would solve the mystery.
"You haven't by any chance been to any very loud rock gigs recently have you?" he asked her this morning as he was on his way out of the room.
"Rock cakes? I haven't eaten any rock cakes for years," she assured him.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

A Scan & Endoscopy

Track of the day - St. James Infirmary - Benny Goodman

Where on earth is the Amazon help desk service located? I phoned to cancel an order this afternoon and spent God knows how long trying to understand what the young lady on the other end of the phone was saying.
I got the impression that the call centre was somewhere a lot nearer to China than Bogsville.
Not even hours of social intercourse with my little Chinese dentist prepared me for the problems I encountered this afternoon. Eventually the young lady decided to put an end to my misery and said she would send me an email. She sent me two and I understood both of them perfectly.

The Hospital Run

Mrs B phoned this morning to announce that she was feeling much better and that she was getting a scan tomorrow morning at 9.00am.
Cheered by the news I decided not to visit this afternoon. I handed the duty over to one of her friends.
By 6.30pm when I visited, she was back in bed with chronic stomach pain and being dosed with painkillers.
If tomorrow morning's scan shows nothing, they'll try endoscopy tomorrow afternoon. If either examination shows something at least they'll know what the next course of action should be. If neither test shows anything Mrs B has instructed the doctors to shoot her. The stomach guy says that she's showing all the classic symptoms of an ulcer or a gallbladder problem and he says that recent surgery can bring on either. Knowing our luck, Mrs B has probably got both. It's all a bit unsettling.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

Breastfeed Here

Track of the day - On The Wings Of A Nightingale - Everly Brothers

The offer seemed too good to be true and it was. I sat there patiently for at least an hour and no one came to feed me. I probably didn't look hungry enough.

The doctors have now x-rayed Mrs B's nether regions and think that her problem is constipation.
They prescribed some strong laxative and a suppository. I immediately went to find my plastic mac and wellington boots just in case of accidents during my visit.
Unfortunately they had run out of laxatives and suppositories so they gave her an enema instead. By all accounts the enema worked with indecent speed and efficiency. The other women in the unit are now refusing to use either of the bathrooms.
Mrs B, on the other hand, is smiling again and eating chocolate.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

Patientline

Track of the day - On The Wings Of A Nightingale - Everly Brothers

Here is the latest must have medical accessory. It's the Patientline all in one unit that promises to keep you in touch with your concerned relatives. Great isn't it? A television, radio and telephone service for every patient. If you get moved to another ward your Patientline ID follows you round the hospital.
Where's the catch?
Patientline UK Ltd. Television - £3.50 per day (24 hour access)
Outgoing phonecalls from the bed—10p per minute
Incoming calls: Peak—49p per minute.
Off peak—39p per minute.
When you register for the free radio service, you get a free 30 minutes of any of the 11 TV channels, after which you have to pay.
That makes the service far more expensive per week than Sky's most expensive service. £24.50 for a week's BBC and ITV television. 49p a minute to speak to your sick wife, mother, husband, son etc. Add to that the £5 a day or £2 for up to 3 hours to park your car and you find yourself asking where exactly all this money is going.
What is it funding?
A few buckets, mops, dusters and tubs of disinfectant might be a good idea.

How is Mrs B? She was after meal barrage ballooning again until I turned up with two litres of fizzy Scottish water. A few glasses of that and she was feeling much better again. No doctors have been to see her since Friday. Apparently they all have a break at weekends. We're told that they might do some tests tomorrow or they might just transfer her to another department or cut their losses and send her home. No wonder the NHS is in a mess.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

The Pink Ladies

Track of the day - On The Wings Of A Nightingale - Everly Brothers



Mrs B continues to improve. To celebrate the fact, the Christmas lights are on in the city. At least I suppose they are Christmas lights, the season isn't specified. It's best not to upset anyone other than Christians.
When I got back from last night's hospital visit I was feeling in need of a quiet, relaxing drink or two so I popped along to the Hole in the Ground bar.
I hadn't bargained for the delights of the Friday 'Hello Sailor' session.
A group of women, their shocking pink blouses embroidered with the words 'Pink Ladies' hugged one another a lot, wandered around the bar with big shiny buckets collecting money to help Cystic Fibrosis sufferers and then went back to hugging one another a lot.
A very drunk, ginger haired, folk singing busker lady was told to leave because she shouldn't have been there anyway. She had been banned for assaulting customers who objected to her uninvited swigging out of their bottles of wine. Last night she had sneaked in wearing a brown wig.
Too drunk to realise that no one would be fooled, she wasn't too drunk to scream "Assault,assault!" as she was helped out through the door.
At a busy table next to the bar an ex-barmaid was being propositioned by an enthusiastic group of guys to star in a sex movie they were hoping to film with their mobile phones and over by the door a tequila swigging competition ended with an ultra camp guy ripping his shirt open and setting fire to his chest hair with a cigarette lighter.
All pretty routine Friday night stuff really.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

I Can't Compete With That

I'm now doing the NHS Hospital run twice a day and will be until Mrs B manages to eat normally without blowing up like a barrage balloon. The guy who operated on her can't understand what the problem is and wants her stomach x-rayed to see if that shows anything but meanwhile he's prescribed some pills to reduce her acid production.
As a result Mrs B is having one of her better days, is wandering around the ward virtually pain free and being visited on a regular basis by little nurses and medical students who introduce themselves and offer guided tours of the ward.
She's in a single bedded room, has the choice of two bathrooms, a luxurious day room, a kitchen where she can make tea, coffee or whatever she feels like and best of all, access to people who can help if she is doubled up with pain. I can't compete with that.

If only they had a carpark big enough to cope with the demand.

Home Alone

I'm used to my wife being indestructible.
Yesterday she was pretty good but she woke up this morning bloated to hell again. Off we went to the Doctor who announced that she is suffering from wind, may have a 'tummy bug' or may be constipated and suggested she keeps taking paracetemol. As usual, there was no suggestion that the problem might have something to do with the surgery she has undergone.
She spent the afternoon in bed, as miserable as sin.
At 8pm she was in floods of tears and said she couldn't stand the pain any longer.
Eventually we got through to the Doctor's stand in night service. They told us to drive to a nearby clinic that doesn't exist according to the NHS Direct site.
The doctor who examined her said he wouldn't let her go home and booked her into the local NHS hospital and Mrs B is now miserable as sin in a bed there.
"Oh no, it has absolutely nothing to do with the recent surgery," they assured us.
As Mrs B said to them, "It seems one hell of a coincidence."
At 2am I staggered home alone, miserable as sin.

Canada Geese & A Community Policeman

Track of the day - Train and the River - Jimmy Giuffre



Mrs B was well enough today for us to go in search of gentle exercise. Eventually we found a flock of Canada Geese being taken on a guided tour of Bogsville Park by a pigeon.

On a somewhat heavier note, I see that the guy who is accused of shooting a Wolverhampton community policeman twice in the shoulder is accused of using a silver Magnum revolver.
That must make the community policeman a very lucky man.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

All Year Round Firework Shop

Track of the day - Double-O - Count Basie

I wasn't happy when I saw that some enterprising fellow had opened a firework shop just round the corner. I sat for weeks in fear and trembling anticipating the grand opening promised for mid October.
The shop had been home to a very quiet locksmith's business but he had to move out to make way for the far noisier money making scheme thought up by the new tenant.
I'd like to be able to report that the firework shop opened up and blew itself to kingdom come all on the same day but I can't.
It sputtered into existence and then fizzled out just like the damp squibs of my childhood.
When I visited Wiggy's, the local chemist's store, yesterday I spotted a poster in the all year round firework emporium's window that read,
"This Shop Has Closed Down.
There Are No Fireworks
Anywhere On The Premises."
Perhaps the guy should have applied for planning permission and a license before he opened up.
Meanwhile the locksmith continues to trade from his new shop just around the corner.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

Police Search

Track of the day - Stormy Monday Blues - Earl Hines



Out and about in Volvo this morning, I pulled into a Waitrose Supermarket carpark and noticed a lot of police activity. Then it dawned on me that I was in Wolverhampton and that this must have been where the community police officer was shot on Saturday night. I don't think these guys were examining the wall to see if it needed repointing.

Mint Tea

Mrs B's post hysterectomy griping pains are not relenting, in fact she is now dragging herself to the bathroom every twenty minutes. She phoned the 'costalot' hospital and was told that it was probably a mild case of food poisoning and to try mint tea! They probably read Culpeper too.
That's just typical. It has to be my fault and absolutely nothing to do with the invasive surgery that Mr Costalot inflicted on her. If she is still suffering tomorrow, they told her to phone back. There's nothing like paying for the privilege of being ill.

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A Nerve Engine MP3 to download :
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's My Space page to stream it.
Nerve Engine Gig Gallery

To Avoid Nightly Pollutions

Track of the day - Gotta Dance - Jimmy Giuffre 3

According to my copy of The English Physitian by Nicholas Culpeper what Mrs B and I need to combat our griping wind pains is Mint.
It seems that mint is the natural answer to just about everything you can think of -

"The Vertues of the wild or Hors Mints, such as grow in Ditches (whose Description I purposely omitted in regard that are well enough known) are especially to dissolve wind in the Stomach, to help the Chollick, and those that are short winded, and are an especial Remedy for those that have Venerous Dreams and pollutions in the Night being outwardly applied to the Testicles or Cods.
The Juyce dropped into the Ears easeth the pains of them, and destroyeth the Worms that breed therein. They are good against the Venemous biting of Serpents. The Juyce laid on warm helpeth the Kings Evil, or Kernels in the Throat: The Decoction or distilled Water helpeth a stinking Breath proceeding from the corruption of the Teeth; and snuffed up into the Nose purgeth the Head.
They are extream bad for wounded people and they say a wounded man that eats Mints his Wound will never be cured, and that's a long day."

And that is indeed a long day but I'm off to the garden and the hedgrows and ditches to get sufficient Hors Mint to make my fortune. I must remember to apply some externally to my cods to avoid those 'venerous dreams' and 'Nightly pollutions'. Perhaps not - I rather look forward to them.

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Nerve Engine MP3s to download :
Nerve Engine - Fool Me
Nerve Engine - Rationale
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's MySpace page to stream them.
Gig Photo Gallery

Bei Mir Bist Du Schön

Track of the day - Bei Mir Bist Du Schön - Benny Goodman

A Special Treat

Track of the day - Gotta Dance - Jimmy Giuffre 3

This morning, as a special treat, I wheeled Mrs B along to the local costalot supermarket. As far as I'm concerned the only good thing about the costalot supermarket is that it is handy and full of highly presentable women, all attracted by the pickup point sign outside.
Anyway Mrs B and I emptied the wind reduction pill shelf but thanks to the air conditioning we failed to empty the store.

Yesterday I knew exactly what I was going to write about today. I'd even written it. Hell I'll post it anyway.

Mrs B has worked at her current place of employment for the last 17 years. In all that time she has put the needs of the job before anything else - just about. Suffice it to say that I am less than impressed, nay - totally pissed off - that no one she works for or with has either phoned to ask about her health or sent a card wishing her a speedy or any other kind of recovery.

And then at 4 o'clock this afternoon a woman arrived with two flower arrangements. Great. Mrs B had her operation nine days ago!
They probably assumed she was recovering because I hadn't contacted them with any funeral details.
Their minds have been on far more important matters - like her boss getting an 'honour' from the Queen.
Personally, I wouldn't give him the time of day.

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Nerve Engine MP3s to download :
Nerve Engine - Fool Me
Nerve Engine - Rationale
Nerve Engine - Distance
or go to NE's MySpace page to stream them.
Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery

The Wind Has Dropped

Track of the day - Catch the Wind - Donovan

I decided against dusting and lubricating the armour because we've not had a very good day. The pelvic floor exercises that are supposed to help eradicate wind pains don't seem to have brought about any miraculous reduction in Mrs B's post operative wind pains.
This morning I was informed that the wind had dropped which I mistakenly took to be a weather report. It was in fact a physiological report that meant the pain had moved further down. I suspect it might have something to do with my cooking because Mrs B's discomfort is greatest immediately after a meal. I may have to consider introducing a starvation diet tomorrow as I'm developing wind pains too.

Garmin Map Update

The friendly GPS unit has started flashing messages at me that the maps are a year old and need updating so I went to the Garmin site and looked for updates.
There didn't appear to be any so I emailed Garmin Europe and was surprised to get an email straight back from a very helpful guy who assured me that they thought an update would be available some time soon but that Garmin Europe hadn't been told when or how much it was likely to cost.
I hope they don't get their maps from Google Earth because the pictures of Bogsville on GEarth were taken at least 4 years ago when we still had cart tracks and lived in wattle and daub houses.
Which, for some reason, reminds me I've got to lubricate my suit of armour tomorrow. If I don't squirt it with WD40 on a regular basis, the neighbours complain when I clank past on the way to the bar. The other problem is that without WD40 the elbow joint tends to seize up just as I'm reaching for my small change to pay for a pint or anything else you can think of.

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Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery

Pelvic Floor Exercises

Track of the day - Picture Of You - Joe Brown



I ran round with the duster this morning but there's so much wood to polish that it seemed to take for ever.
Mrs B's chair in the drawing room remained empty. Dust in the air makes her sneeze and that's bad for her stitches.
At half ten I remembered that I was supposed to take her along to see her costalot physiotherapist.
And so it came to pass that as she was being instructed in the art of pelvic floor exercise, I remained outside and planned my next session of hall floor exercise - I know my place.
The snack bar will be opening as usual at 8:00am tomorrow morning.

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Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery

Nubile Au Pair Needed

Track of the day again - Take It Easy - The Eagles

The day started with a brief lecture on the importance of reading the washing instructions on items of clothing.
It seems that not everything reacts well to being washed on setting 5.
Once that was drilled home I filled the washing machine twice, hot water bottles, the Dyson, cooked breakfast, lunch and evening meal, went to the butcher's, bought a packet of fags, discovered that I'm running a taxi back to the 'costalot' tomorrow morning to see a physiotherapist and decided that a nubile au-pair is needed here at Bogsville Heights.

I may run away tomorrow.



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Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery

Costalot Hospital

Track of the day - Take It Easy - The Eagles

I haven't felt like blogging recently. Mrs B has been in the local costalot hospital where she had the majority of her innards removed last Thursday.
She has made a miraculous recovery and was able to bring her stitches home yesterday (Sunday) as long as she lifts nothing.
And so - for the foreseeable future I'm in charge of cooking, cleaning, shopping and all those impossibly difficult jobs that women take in their stride.
We'll probably both starve to death or end up back in the costalot suffering from food poisoning.
Alternatively I might discover that I'm a 'culinary' genius and open up a snack bar. Not a bad idea, 'culinary snack bar' sounds obscene to me ... shades of Mick Jagger and a Mars bar.

OK been there

Done the cooking and the cleaning and the shopping but I failed to change the sheets. My side 'looked a bit grubby', probably because I've been sleeping in it. So tomorrow we do the washing machine bit.
Tonight, eventually, I made the local bar and there was the pilot, the one guy whose conversation I can't stand, so I'm mr anti-social again. Never mind I can live with that.
Mrs B is fast asleep and I've re-acquainted myself with Bell's whisky.

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Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery

First Aid Point

Track of the day Get Away - Georgie Fame.



There was a frost this morning. The outside temperature was 1.4 C°. I scraped the ice off the windscreen and set off into the early morning traffic jam known as the school-run. Nothing but 4X4s with a driver's head and the top of a child's head showing. I had to drive past 5 schools to get to where I was going and the traffic was endless. At one point I realised that I had only passed two teenagers walking the pavement. Either the schools round here have a serious truancy problem or all the kids are being ferried to school in the family status symbol. Nothing stirred in mile after mile of backed up Mercs, BMWs and LandRovers. No wonder the kids are unfit.

The postman was still wearing his shorts yesterday. Today he was anticipating icy blasts and had put on a thick balaclava helmet with just a narrow gap to see through - either that or he's changed his sex and religion.
He brought a memory chip to fit in Mrs B's laptop. Fearless, I ripped out the battery, the keyboard and the flimsy little memory chip cover and stuck the postman's offering into the exposed clip, screwed the screws back in, stuck the battery in and switched on.
Everything worked - another miracle!
Whether it's working better than it was before is open to discussion but logic suggests it must be.

Hospital visiting

Tonight I visited a lady in the local 'pay as you go' Nuffield hospital. Just behind the 'welcome' desk was a sign that read 'First Aid Point'. It's reassuring to know that when the surgeon messes up, there's help at hand.

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Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery

The Painted Breast Of Prince Joe Eboh

Track of the day - Big Time Operator & Run - Zoot Money.

The 'Tale of the Painted Breast' tells the story of what can be achieved when the recipient of scam emails from 'Prince Joe Eboh' decides to get his own back.

If you do nothing else today, make sure you read this page and bookmark the site for future reference and inspiration.



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Nerve Engine Gig Photo Gallery