Screw Needed

Tuesday.

The annual fit of festive depression seems to be setting in. What I need is to get Dog's stitches taken out so that we can go walking. A trip round some shops did nothing to lighten the gloom.



It can't be a real Christmas without one of these or a box of those and no self - respecting family would be without this or that load of junk.

I came home with a power driver to replace one that gave up the ghost three months ago.

Just need to find something to screw now.

Here's a suggestion for any ladies out there who are looking for a gift for the man who has almost everything. Come to think of it - why not hang them on a shield over your bed next to a pair of secateurs!

I'm Sorry - Am I Missing The Point Here?

Just who is at fault here? Story from some local UK paper about a 16-year-old boy who was killed when he crashed his mother's BMW on a Great Barr road and was more than twice the legal drink limit - if there is such a thing when you are 16.

At least he only killed himself.

Sex - Mobile Style

Monday.

At the risk of sounding like a miserable old antisocial bogger I find the latest rumours coming out of the mobile phone companies disturbing. According to Silicon.com

Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are working on software that will get to know you as well as your best mate - and even offers you advice.

The software is designed to get to know people's habits by studying behaviour with pattern recognition software. Apparently "It might even pick up on a flirtation before you notice." What does it do? Vibrate like mad in your pocket or emit orgiastic moans?

To add insult to injury there are even sunglasses available that spot when someone is making eye contact and possibly flirting with you.

The World has gone mad. If you can't manage to spot when someone is making eye contact with you and you have to rely on a mobile phone to tell you that someone is flirting with you I suggest you wouldn't know what to do with the information were you to get it.

If I had to rely on a phone vibrating away in my pocket, bonking someone else's chunk of technology or a pair of sunglasses simulating orgasm every time a woman looked my way........ I'd realise it was time to give up and leave the phone and sunglasses in a bin somewhere so they could get it on in private.

Get this track - Once - by a Brit Band - Nerve Engine. You can play it or download it here.

Virgins Work Here

Sunday.

It was off to the Tulip & Tiara tonight. It's a transit lounge type bar further out of town than the Hole in the Ground bar, but still walkable - just. Like most transit louges it's clean and that's about it.

It doesn't even have a big-screen for sporting events so Raul's Tv-B-Gone is wasted there.

As I said - it's clean - a transit louge that serves lager.

Virgin mobiles get a signal in there.

Day Off

Saturday.

We are gradually rising from the Slough of Despond that has been engulfing Bogsville over the past two weeks but the effort has left us totally boggered. As a result I am seeking tranquility in jazz land.

Now I saw in my dream that, just as they had ended this talk, they drew near to a very miry slough that was in the midst of the plain; and they being heedless, did both fall suddenly into the bog. The name of the slough was "Despond." Here, therefore, they wallowed for a time, being grievously bedaubed with the dirt; and CHRISTIAN, because of the burden that was on his back, began to sink in the mire.
The Pilgrim's Progress - John Bunyan (1628 - 1688)

Rectal Thermometer

Friday.

Dog is almost back to normal. The vet said that his heart and lungs sounded normal. What a difference a week makes.



Dog's healthy and I'm - broke. Judging by what he left on the guy's table he doesn't approve of rectal thermometers. After what they did to Dog I reckon he's entitled to air his feelings in public.

PET INSURANCE.

I'm going to open an account called Dog. I'll transfer cash to it every month. That way the money is there if he needs it and I get the interest. If he doesn't need it - so much the better - at least it's still mine.

Don't Bonk a Brit

Thursday.

I think I'll be giving the UK a miss on my next bonking tour of Europe. Seems to me it's a seriously unhealthy place to be. According to a search on Google there's an HIV timebomb there - "a soaring HIV epidemic".

Apparently some bright spark came up with a website to inform UK bonkers about the dangers of unsafe sex. The campaign obviously failed to make its point. Not surprising really when you present the facts as a joke.

I guess they only read the funny papers in UK.

The headlines suggest it's a nation populated by binge drinking, pox-ridden, football hooligans where the health services are funded by smokers.

Jeez - there should be a global ban on Brits travelling out of their own patch - they are a serious threat to global health and safety.

I'm staying right here in Bogsville.

I'd have liked to have marketed my "fully guaranteed healthy" bonking services here - but unfortunately you might have been in the UK recently.

Stay healthy - Don't Bonk a Brit.

Operation Blues

Wednesday.

The good news is that Dog continues to recover from his ordeal. The bad news is that it is pay the vet's bill time. The last estimate was $1650 and rising. The next visit is scheduled for Friday.

Dog will be festive season wrapped this year and "opened up" if you'll excuse the expression on Christmas Day. That's assuming he's still with us on Christmas Day. He must be the most expensive rescue dog in Bogsville. Sorry folks - no iPods this year. I may even have to cut back on the Hole in the Ground visits.

Raul reports that he spotted "bag lady" at the bus stop, heading for town. She must have decided the Hole in the Ground was a little too down-market. Oh well our loss is someone else's gain.

Dog Flies High On Morphine

Tuesday.

I intended to follow up on the wind farms but I'm now back on Dog's saga.

I've just been sitting with him for the best part of an hour waiting to be seen by a vet. As far as I'm concerned I've borrowed Dog for the night and he was going back to the vet for treatment and observation today.

As far as the vets are concerned they don't know anything about Dog except that he had a big operation. Eventually I was asked to sign a consent form to allow them to treat him. You have got to be joking - I signed the form last Thursday when he went in for a routine chest x-ray. "I don't know anything about that - I've never seen the dog."

Dog's got a drain hanging out of his chest, an intra-venous tap in his leg, a huge bandage round his chest covering up where they spent two and a half hours removing a lung abscess and I'm getting the "What seems to be the problem?" treatment.

I felt like saying, "Hi Doc can you have a look at my dog. I spent last night taking bits out of him and now I'm kind of stuck. I don't know what to do next. Any ideas?"

Eventually they found someone in a white coat who actually knew why Dog was there, 3ml of fluid was drawn off his chest and it was decided the drain could be removed so off he went for another shot of anaesthetic through the intra-venous tap. "We'll ring you in about 45 minutes."

The drain's out and he's getting a couple of antibiotic doses through the tap in his leg. Very useful these taps - we should all have one fitted. "Bring him back tonight.......I'll give you some tablets to suppress the cough.....Bring him in tomorrow morning again.......Come and get him at 10:45". Suddenly it all sounds very professional - I'm not convinced.

What with the morphine, the anaesthetic and the antibiotics that have gone in through that tap I'm expecting to see Dog flying home like Superman. Cocaine, Heroin, LSD anyone?



Dog is now bandageless and drainless but he still has the tap. He's going back tonight for another round of antibiotics.

Can anyone knit him a jumper?

On the Mend

Monday.

I collect dog this afternoon. He's still got his chest drain in but he's spending the night here with us. Tomorrow I've got to take him back to the vet's. They have him during the day and we get to have him at night.

I just spoke to the vet who operated on him and she is thrilled to bits with him. Claimed the whole of Bogsville must have heard her shout of relief when she saw him. She said she was worried sick all week-end that he was on the way out. No I know he doesn't look too lively but he was resting when I took this picture.

The hardest bit is that Dog is now a smokeless zone. He has now taken himself off to the kitchen and is crashed out there. I have shut myself away upstairs with the computer and my cigarettes.

Project Cervantes

I got an email from Scotland yesterday from some friends who live near Loch Fyne in Argyllshire.

"Various power companies are submitting proposals to cover the top of just about every available hill with windmills and I have been employed by some local estate owners to manage a campaign (I have called it "Project Cervantes")to stop them. We all started out as being in favour of appropriately sited windfarms but the more you learn about the power industry the more sceptical you become."

I somehow think that we haven't heard the last of this one. The Lamonts will be gathering....

Not sure why but I thought I'd pop this in here.

Dog Days in Bogsville

Sunday.

Really didn't feel like posting yesterday.

I just got back from sitting in a huge cage with dog who is pretty doped up on morphine still. Mind you he seems comfortable enough and the Vet assures me that he isn't in pain. I suppose that's because he's sharing the morphine trip with dog. I don't really care whether the Vet's in pain or not - it's dog I'm interested in.

He got up and walked about before they popped him the morphine at 11 this morning. Needless to say he was high as a kite, his tongue poking out, when we got to see him.

The Vet said the wound was healing well and said he didn't see why we shouldn't look after him at home. I don't think so old chap. Tomorrow, all being well, he's going back to where they did the operation and we'll see what they say.

I was thinking of buying a Porsche but now it looks like I'll have to make do with paying the veterinary bills instead.

Dog's more fun than a Porsche.

The New Addiction.

Thank God I can't read the bloody messages or hear the ping when one comes in - I'll just stick to tobacco and be overtly antisocial.

Look what you can get for about $3 a year in UK.

"C.A.T.S. is the world's first national emergency SMS text alert system and was launched in London last year."

I'm glad I live in Bogsville. Can you imagine the scene "Ping - Homicidal maniac on the loose - do not leave your home!" Or "Toxic chemical alert - Milt Bogs has just lit up in sector 3".

I suggest they issue all old Boggers with mobile phones so that they can actually get this visionary service. Nice name though CATS - old Boggers like cats.

Hibernate with your mobile! See you in Spring.

A Cold Cold Winter

Friday.

It's cold this morning in Bogsville. The house is still heatless and it snowed yesterday. There was thick ice on the cars this morning and the friendly, local heating engineer isn't coming until this afternoon. What's the betting that he doesn't have the part with him and has to come back on Monday.

I'm waiting for news about dog. Yesterday was a bad day for dogs. He goes in for an X-Ray and ends up having a major operation to remove an abscess from one of his lungs and spends the night dosed on morphine. No wonder he was coughing. Trouble is I told him he could have a bone after the X-Ray and he hasn't come back. He won't believe anything I tell him again. Hope he's ok - it's very strange without him.

Anyone out there into acupuncture? Seems to me it's like every other alternative treatment - it just makes you feel better about whatever it is that you're doing that you shouldn't be doing in the first place.

And seeding - what's all that about? The only seeding I'm familiar with is grass seeding. I'm more into mowing and cutting and hacking - perhaps I should try the pins.

Dog's currently trying staples - an altogether more extreme treatment. Come to think of it stapling might be a quicker cure-all than acupuncture. Would drinkers drink if they had to have staples after a heavy session?

A propos nothing really - would you buy a drink off this man?



I'm always spotting people who look familiar. Better book a pin cushion session.

Joe the CIA man is flying back to LA today - "coming in from the cold". He couldn't stand the pace in Bogsville - who can? The guy isn't East Coast at all unless Seattle has moved. Ve hav our vays of dicovering ze truth in Bogsville and your secrets are never safe vith us.

Hug a Teacher - can you believe this report from San Diego?

"A female teacher has accused a 17-year old male student of what I describe as inappropriate embracement. I agree the boy crossed the line because he didn't stop the first time she told him to, and grabbed her and hugged her again. That can be a scary situation for a woman, and there is also the added humiliation of having her authority as a teacher compromised. But should expulsion, or even suspension, be considered?"

Just like to point out Elaine that being hugged by a male student "can be a scary situation" - for anyone! I'd like all you loving people out in Murrieta to give Elaine Bellucci a really big Bogsville hug and don't take no for an answer - let's see how she reacts.

Heating is FIXED! The Lord be praised!

Bogsville warms up.

No Virgins in Bogsville

Thursday.

Virgins do not communicate in the Hole in the Ground bar. I have often noticed men rushing out through the doors and coming back after an indecent length of time. Now I know why. Virgins only communicate in the car park. This virgin, spotted last night in the bar, is totally uncommunicative, unresponsive and a total waste of time unless you are in the car park.



East Coast Joe who is now West Coast but working undercover in Bogsville came close to being exposed last night. One minute he was in front of the lens and the next was blending with the surroundings in true CIA fashion.



Christmas has come to the Hole in the Ground. We certainly know how to prolong our celebrations in Bogsville - virgins beware!

Dog has had a big operation. He had an abscess on one of his lungs - not any more he doesn't. The vet just phoned and said he's doing very well - that's dog not the vet. Dogs are tough in Bogsville.



We just had our first snow.

Raul's Dream

Wednesday.

As it's still heatless chez Bogs and Mrs Bogs has escaped South for the day, I thought we'd start with another bright and sunny snap today. The picture arrived in my inbox last night.



Luckily Merl's new hat somehow found its way into the picture to partially obscure the identity of the young "Bogger" letting it all hang out at Glastonbury this year. Nice boots though.

I need a new pair myself - Spanish leather appeals. I saw a nice pair in Barcelona last time I was there and the boots were interesting too.



I think you can tell a lot about a guy from the boots he wears. These look like they should belong to a real quiet sort of guy. The kind of guy who drives up to a bar in a road-roller or ties his rhino to the hitching rail and pops in for a spot of line dancing - freeway line dancing.

California Comes To Bogsville

Discussing the recent election and Fallujah with Merl when an East Coast accent interrupts us. Yes I know California is West Coast - that's just where the guy's working out of - not where his roots are. Joe's currently on a secret mission to do with planes - in Bogsville? There's only one company in Bogsville that deals with planes. The guy voted for Bush but otherwise seemed normal - two arms , two legs, fancied gurlz. He says he'll be back in Spring. Merl slipped him a card.

You may have noticed that there's nothing here about Raul's dream. Ok so you've missed it twice now.

In fact there's nothing about Raul because he missed out on the meeting with Joe - if that's his name. He could be a C.I.A. agent sent to check on the townsfolk of Bogsville. He did mention guns in fanny bags. Jeez - life gets more complicated by the minute.

Cock-Up in Bogsville

Tuesday.

Wouldn't you just know it. No sooner does life seem to quieten down than my sleep is ended by a loud noise like a dentist's drill. I assumed it was Mrs Bogs using the hair-dryer. It wasn't.

When I get downstairs I'm told the central heating boiler is making a very strange noise. Yes, you got it, the drilling noise that woke me up. Then the boiler switches off.

Mrs Bogs opens the refrigerator and announces that we're in the middle of a power cut. No we are not because the lights are still on. Out to the garage to inspect the consumer unit with its MCB switches. The main switch has tripped and trips again when I switch back on.

Back to the kitchen, switch off the heating boiler and then back to the garage to try again. Brilliant - all power restored. Now I just have to wait until I can get someone to replace the heating pump. I'm assuming that that's what tripped the circuit. I can't think of anything else that would make a noise like a mad dentist's drill.

"What are you going to blog about now that you can't complain about the Hole in the Ground?" asked Merl and Raul last night. I assured them that something would go wrong and now it has. In Bogsville no sooner does one door open than another one closes.

Amazingly the Bogs superspeeder computer with its array of dangling drives seems to have survived juicelessness and the subsequent massive power surge. Another miracle!

The good news is that our friendly local central heating engineer is coming out to investigate.

The bad news is that he's not coming until Friday! Mrs Bogs will be ecstatic. Wait a minute - if the consumer unit was tripped by the pump blowing, gravity feed should still heat upstairs even though the pump is off. Can I risk switching back on?

Been there, done that and it tripped out again as soon as a solenoid opened or closed on the boiler somewhere. Sod it all I'm emigrating! I'll go and cuddle the back of the freezer.

Did you know there's a product out there called a Cock-Up Splint!

No I wasn't expecting that either.

Merl's blogging now.

Another Monday

Monday.

Still Cool in Prague

Terrific - I entrust my jpegs to Flickr and I find blank spaces on my page, "Flickr is having a massage" - chance would be a fine thing - come on guys - get it together!

Just got in from taking dog for a walk. I'm still not as mobile as I'd like to be, in fact dog with his cough and arthritis was doing much better than I was.



Passive smoking in Prague was a new experience for me. Even the bar staff lit up on occasions. This young lady could serve me all night long with or without the cigarette. Hole in the Ground staff note how clean the bar is and how there's drink in the glasses!

Have you noticed how compulsive texters seem to have lost the art of conversation? I spotted these two in Prague. The bar wasn't noisy so I guess they just wanted to keep their words private. Say no more - text instead! Hey wait a minute - that's a clean ash tray. Nota bene, Hole in the Ground staff - it can be done!

No Place Like Bogsville

Sunday.

Big problems staggering back from the Hole in the Ground last night. The back strain caused by lifting coughing dog in and out of the back of the car has made walking a real trial.

As a result I'm having to rest up for a day in the hope that I will be more mobile by tomorrow.

The tens machine has been working overtime and I am now reasonably pain free. I'm full of static and my hair is standing on end but I live in hope of normal service being resumed tomorrow.

After a few days in Prague I can now report that the Hole in the Ground is far worse than I originally thought. In Prague waiters took your glass away as soon as you got to the last drop and offered an instant full replacement, ashtrays were taken away as soon as a cigarette was stubbed out and plates disappeared as soon as you put a knife or fork down. The efficiency was at times, terrifying.

In Bogsville's Hole in the Ground bar things are far more relaxed. The service is disappointingly slow. I think it would be possible to be in there all evening without anyone noticing that you were sans drink.

The ledge under the cash till or the floor seems to serve instead of ashtrays and new customers have to push piles of dirty glasses and empty crisp packets out of the way before they can put their own drinks down on the tables.

It is quite simply one of the dirtiest and most depressing bars that I have ever been in. It really does make you wonder what the kitchens are like.

In Prague I witnessed a barman honking into a wash-basin. Last night in the Hole in the Ground it was a customer spraying vomit around the Gents' toilets. Strange effect I have on people.

Blue Skies

Saturday.

Looking out of the window I can see more blue sky than I saw the whole time I was in Prague. Mind you Merl would tell you that I always manage to set the white balance thing on my camera so that everything looks blue anyway. I've now discovered the layers adjustment setting on Photoshop and am busily turning everything bright red or green. Eventually I may settle for sepia.

Damn these new fangled technology things!

The dog's still coughing and my back is still playing up. I think I'll give it a burst on the Tens gizmo set on full blast. I might stick it on my head and go for a lobotomy.

The Tens gizmo didn't fix the back. I lurched to the Hole In The Ground and found Merl standing in a huge ashtray. Provide ashtrays and empty them - that's all it takes!

I go in the Gents' and a group of three come in aiming one of the group at the wash-basin. Excuse me - someone might want to use that. The guy vomits into the basin. No problem - his friends run the tap.

Difference between Prague and Bogsville? In Prague they empty the ashtrays.

Bogsville Strikes Back

Friday.

I've been home in Bogsville for just over 24hrs and no sooner do I get the 438 spam crop harvested to an acceptable five genuine mails than I get Raul moaning because of my lousy writing he could be mistaken for a female Czech baggage X-Ray operative. Not much chance of that Raul, well not by me anyway. I would have let her search through my anythings anytime.

The section that is causing the problem is as follows, "We all got frisked at the airport and I had to open my bag. Raul assures me that the X-Ray machine showed what appeared to be a firearm in my bag."

These words are followed by,"Anyway after she had marveled at the contents of my toilet bag she told me to clear off.....". Raul thinks that this could cause problems for my readership and I agree so I have decided to change the wording. The section should now be read as follows:-

We all frisked the female security official at the airport and I had to open my bag. Raul assures me that the X-Ray machine showed what appeared to be a gun in my bag. Much later after he had marveled at the contents of my toilet bag he told me to clear off.....". Now I hope that is clearer.

One night without Czech beer and I have to take the dog to the vet's. He's coughing like an idiot, a passive smoking problem I expect. (That's the dog - not the vet, Raul). The vet sounds like she's Polish and she doesn't seem to know what is causing the dog's cough. She's very keen to X-Ray him. Perhaps she'll spot a gun in there because I have absolutely no idea where the one in my bag went that the lady in Prague, who doesn't look anything like Raul, might or might not have thought she spotted.

Of course it might just have been Raul who spotted what he thought looked like a gun in my bag.

Back to the dog. I lift him into the car because his back legs are arthritic and my damn back pops or grinds or whatever backs do that causes pain. So now both dog and I are popping pills. The only difference is the dog's pills are ten times more expensive. That is the only difference because the dog's still coughing and I'm still in pain.

It's good to be home.

Back to Bogsville

Thursday.

We breakfasted as usual and wandered off to the river. Funny how the weather gets warmer when you are leaving.

The cars in Prague tend to park nose into the pavements and as the pavements are high there are a lot of cars with front bumper damage. You notice things like that when it isn't pouring with rain.

We all got frisked at the airport and a uniformed lady told me to open my bag. Raul assures me that the X-Ray machine showed what appeared to be a firearm in my bag. I don't think so. Anyway after she had marveled at the contents of my toilet bag she told me to clear off so that was ok.

The flight was ..... well, a flight. When we landed I went through the "I've got fags to declare" channel and was unceremoniously ejected through an automatic door into the outside world without seeing any customs officials at all.

Whatever it was that worried the lady in Prague is now back home in Bogsville with me. Reassuring that. I hope the guy after me wasn't carrying a Kalashnikov or a kilo of Heroin. The customs officials must have been on a training course or tea-break. We're only human after all.

Prague Castle and Goulash

Wednesday.

There's something strange about Prague. You sit in bars all night and you wake up in the morning feeling like you haven't been in bars all night. Take note all you Bogsville publicans.

The hotel reception wouldn't or couldn't sell us tram tickets so we wandered into a tobacconist's and bought a 24 hour pass each. I guess the hotel was getting sick of unlocking the door to let us in and wanted to restrict our movements. No chance of that with our 24 hour passes!

Prague trams seem to run as fast uphill as they do on the flat. Why? And how do they make a right or left turn over points? Does the driver have a steering wheel?

We wandered the Castle grounds with all the other tourists. Half of Britain seemed to be there with us. Mid week they are there for the culture, whereas Friday and Saturday it's the football shirt brigade and Prague wheels out the Big Macs, Kentucky Fried Chicken and the Verminators.

The barman assures us that guns are carried by people who have jobs dealing with money and suggested that the hotel manager probably had one. There was an interesting sticker on a bank door that indicated that cameras, dogs and pistols were not welcome inside. I decided against taking a photograph just incase.

After the Castle we trammed to the Narodni Technicke Museum. It was there that my phone refused to send messages. Merl had the same problem. Fortunately Raul's Vodaphone worked as normal so that his txt marathon was able to continue unabated. I hate to think what a case of textus interruptus would do to him.

Back in the city centre we climbed a stairway to the Cafe Louvre where Raul discovered Goulash in a loaf, another excellent Czech variation on a theme. Merl tartared a steak and I pigged pancakes and got a caffeine hit. Best not put a knife, fork or spoon down in Prague - someone comes and takes your plate away. They seem to have a problem with people and empty anythings.

This evening we found our way to a bar where Merl assured us the ratio of females to males was about 28 to 1. ......I wonder...... I have to admit I couldn't concentrate on anything but the girl behind the bar. We stayed longer than we meant to stay.

Luckily there was a bar just round the corner that seved Goulash. Is there a huge tanker in Prague that drives round refilling basement tanks with the stuff?

Our final city centre beer was served by another highly rated waitress. Strange how beer has that effect on male eyesight. Eventually she threw us out and we made our way back to the hotel. Tonight they stayed open for us so we had a couple of beers just to keep the barman company.

An Old Soak in Prague

Tuesday.

It snowed this morning and then it rained and rained and rained........and then for good measure it rained some more. Merl's huge bag obviously contained an umbrella as did Raul's flight bag......mine did not.

We set off up a hill outside the hotel. When we got to the top we discovered - the top. On the way along the ridge we stumbled into a restaurant to shelter from the rain and left drips and mud trails on the highly polished marble floor. We couldn't help noticing that an umbrella stand miraculously appeared in the doorway, after we had sat down. It wouldn't have made any difference to me, I didn't have one. I just sat there and dripped.

On the way down we tried to get a ticket for a funicular but the ticket machine swallowed Merl's cash and stared blankly at him. I guess the works or tickets or both were waterlogged.

After more goulash and dumplings we were sluiced across the Charles Bridge towards the river and pinpointed a cellar bar for that evening.

By the evening we had decided on travel by public transport using tickets bought from the hotel reception. We trammed our way to various bars and Raul managed his second Goulash of the day declaring it "Excellent". The bar had a pair of old boots on a plate rack and the music was Scottish traditional including "The Northern Lights of Old Aberdeen". Very strange.On the way back to the hotel we found another bar.

Locked out of the hotel again.

Goulash

Monday.

It was a very cold day today. The three brass monkeys set off trying to discover Prague. The street signs and maps caused real problems because the names bore no relation to the guide book translations. We staggered from cobbled street and pavement to cobbled street and pavement and eventually staggered into a bar for food and hot coffee.

It was at this point that we discovered the excellent Czech Goulash and dumplings. Mmmmn "Dumplings." It wasn't until the evening that we realised that Raul had developed a severe case of Goulash addiction. Restaurants were rejected because Goulash did not appear on the menu. Finally we dragged him, protesting, in through a doorway and he discovered that you could request Goulash and dumplings even when it didn't show on the menu.

A guy played his accordian while we ate and drank and ate and drank. Eventually we left him to his carousing and went in search of more beer and free toilets.

I remember the last bar we were in having unbelievably high stools. Once mounted you were stuck there until you fell off. At one point I must have fallen off because I found myself in the toilet at the same time as the barman who had served us. He was vomiting in the wash basin but seemed fine when he reappeared in the bar. Needless to say we avoided placing orders with him. There was also a sticker on the wall reading "Caution - Racism Free Zone" fine, no problem there but next to it was one reading "Be kind to your local Nazi", time to fall off the stool again and leave!

We had to get reception to unlock the hotel door. They go to bed very early in Prague!

Flight to Prague

Sunday

The three of us flew out this afternoon. Merl had a huge bag with him. We're not sure what he's got in there but it could be an inflatable....The cash machine at the airport provided us with thousands of Czech Kr. and then it was off to the hotel. Shortly after that we discovered the hotel bar and after a couple of bottles of Urquell we plunged out into the cold Prague evening in search of more beer and food.

The young guy at reception had booked us into a restaurant run by a friend or relative and we found ourselves sitting in a large, empty fairly palatial place. Thereafter we decided to stick to eateries frequented by Czech people, rather than places recommended by them for tourists.

On the way back to the hotel we found a small bar hidden in a wall where the beer was fine.

Merl went off to explore and came back to announce that there was a cellar bar at the back that had live music but not on a Sunday....Typical.

Prague Is Extremely Cool

Sunday.

Happy Birthday to Tristan in Ahrensburg, Germany, who celebrated his first birthday on 6/11/04.

Back to the trivia now. When you read this Milt should be up in the air en route for Europe. Makes a change from being down the Hole in the Ground. The time for visiting Prague is nigh and all being well Raul, Merl and old Milt here will be sampling real Buds, well I suppose, round about now.

We aim to be back in circulation on Thursday or Friday if the "Verminators" don't get to us that is.

You might "Spot us here". But then again you might not. I hear that it will snow as we land and again on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. Extremely Cool or what! I knew we should have gone to Barcelona again or Hamburg or Amsterdam or Barbados........

UK Hospitals Should carry a Health Warning

Chlostridium Difficile

12 patients have died after being infected by C Difficile at Stoke Mandeville Hospital in Oxfordshire.

Over 300 patients have been infected by the superbug that causes severe diarrhoea.

C Difficile infections have increased from fewer than 1,000 cases in 1990 to 43,672 in 2004. It has not received the same attention as MRSA.

Latest figures show there were 934 deaths from it in 2003, a 38 per cent rise in two years. A similar number of people died from MRSA in the same year, with 955 people dying from the infection, a 30 per cent increase in two years.

Alcohol based gels used to clean hands between patient visits are ineffective against C Difficile.

MRSA

New Scientist reports that deaths from the hospital-acquired superbug MSRA have risen more than 15-fold over the past decade in UK.

Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (MRSA) caused 51 deaths in England and Wales in 1993, but by 2002, the figure had soared to 800. Cases of MRSA infection rose 24-fold, from 210 to 5309, during the same period.

However, National Audit Office statistics which show that around 5,000 people die from the hospital superbug every year are a decade out of date, says the MRSA Support Group.

The Birmingham-based organisation, which has 400 members across the UK, believes the number of reported cases of MRSA, is closer to 20,000.

A new objective to dramatically reduce MRSA bloodstream infections in hospitals by March 2008, was announced today by Health Secretary, John Reid.

Speaking at the Chief Nursing Officer's conference in Manchester, Reid said:"I have made it clear that lowering rates of healthcare acquired infections, such as MRSA is a top priority, and that the Government is committed to a relentless campaign to control MRSA.

I expect MRSA bloodstream infection rates to be halved in our hospitals by 2008. NHS Acute Trusts will be tasked with achieving a year on year reduction up to and beyond March 2008."

A 50% reduction! That's still 2,500 deaths a year! Two and a half times the estimated passive smoking death rate.

Suggestion:- spend the money currently poured into anti-smoking campaigns on soap and disinfectant for UK hospitals.

Stressful Cities

Friday.

Graham Elderson is working in London. He sent me a link to a report that lists UK's Top 20 most stressful cities. Where on earth is Wolverhampton? I'll have to get him to visit to find out what makes it next in line to London. The only thing I can discover about the place is they have an underperforming soccer team.

The list:-
Top 20 most stressful cities

Glasgow
Hull
Newcastle
London
Wolverhampton
Southampton
Nottingham
Leicester
Edinburgh
Bristol
Liverpool
Belfast
Manchester
Birmingham
Stoke-on-Trent
Bradford
Sheffield
Coventry
Cardiff
Swansea

You guys should try Bogsville if you want to see a real "gutter-belch".

TV B-Gone Again

Thursday.

Caught up with Raul Duberly and Merl Kapram last night. They were chewing the fat at the bar in The Hole in the Ground. Raul has ordered a Tv B-Gone. Can't wait for it to arrive - December promises to be a quiet time in the watering holes around here!

Glad to report that the piddling Bag Lady has not been spotted so far this week. I hope she's not been locked up on public decency charges. After all "when you've gotta go - you've gotta go". There are plenty of worse offences being committed every day. She should become a fundamentalist convert.

Speaking of which, takes me to a report on MSNBC. "Southern Baptist television evangelist James Robison related that in a telephone call in 1999, Bush told him, "I feel like God wants me to run for president." The same year, said Richard Land, president of the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, Bush told religious leaders at a meeting, "I've heard the call. I believe God wants me to be president."

Here we go again - "I feel" and "I believe". At least he didn't go the whole hog there. There is just a suggestion there that he accepted he might have misunderstood the message.

In June 2003, Mahmoud Abbas, then the Palestinian prime minister, said that in a conversation with Bush, the president told him: "God told me to strike at al-Qaida, and I struck them, and then He instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did." Yup, you surely did. It's unsettling to note that it's now "God told" and "He instructed".

The article goes on to point out that "Democrats and other Americans surprised by how strongly Bush's near-fundamentalist beliefs guide his governance can't say they weren't warned. Throughout the 2000 presidential campaign, Bush expansively talked about his faith and how it had rescued him from a squandered life of alcohol and failed business ventures."

George - there's a whole heap of us who wish you had just stuck to what you were good at.

George W.

Wednesday.

Looks like the World's safety is in the hands of George W. for another four years.....

"The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." George W. Bush, second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004

Plus Ça Change

Is the driver of the car being driven towards you as crazy as this guy in South Africa?

IOL reports that "Police could not believe their eyes when they pulled over a dilapidated bakkie (apparently it's a light truck) on the West Coast Road early on Tuesday and discovered it had no steering wheel.

"The driver, careering at a "considerable speed" towards Table View in the Western Cape, had been keeping the hand-painted Ford Cortina bakkie on the road using a pair of vice-grip pliers clamped around the steering shaft. The steering wheel, with an anti-theft device in place, was next to him on the passenger seat.

"When suspicious police flagged him down near Parklands they at first thought the vehicle had been stolen, but a check on the police computer system was negative.

"The Melkbosstrand man explained that he had been fixing the bakkie and had not been able to find the key for the steering lock.

"A Table View police officer said he slowly drove the "death trap" to his charge office, where Milnerton traffic officials were to examine the vehicle and charge the driver."

Guy Fawkes is an archaic English custom

If their driving penalties are as stiff as those they impose in Cape Town for letting off fireworks, he could be in for a lot of grief.

Councillor David Erleigh said: "Every year children and animals are injured. By limiting public firework displays to specific areas we can moderate the annual cost to the city, its people and the environment."

A spokesman for Mr Erleigh said, "Guy Fawkes is an archaic English custom. Due in part to our firework restrictions and growing disinterest among the youth, Guy Fawkes is losing its popularity."

The new regulations continue the ban on the public discharging of fireworks, unless prior permission has been obtained from the South African Police Service and the City of Cape Town. The maximum fine for committing such an offence is R600, or 12 months in prison.

Statistics

Tuesday.

While the rest of the World sweats on matters of Global importance in the US, I fanny about for trivial blog fodder.

In London UK, Mayor Ken Livingstone has asked the Government to devolve powers to him to turn the City into a smoke free zone, starting with cabs.

To support his request he provides statistics from a Mori poll based on 1,007 telephone interviews which revealed widespread support for a ban on smoking in offices, taxis, restaurants and other workplaces.

According to the report in This Is London, the poll "found that 60% of Londoners said they strongly supported a smoking ban in taxis while another 14% said they would tend to support such a move. Overall, 65% of Londoners expressed support for a total ban on smoking in all workplaces." All this gathered from 1,007 telephone calls. 65% of 1,007 is 654.55 phone calls so someone must have put the phone down part way through the session.

The 2001 population figures for London indicate a total population of 7,172,091. 1,007 as a percentage of 7,172,091 is 0.014040535737764621%. Seems to me that evidence based on the views of 65% of 0.014% of the population of anywhere is meaningless but I'm assured by my resident statistician that statistically that is a big survey. What messes it up and makes it potentially worthless is that it was a phone survey. What about mobile users? What about people out at work? Vocal emphasis etc? I stick to my non mathematical verdict.

London Firearms Officers Strike.

Up to 120 officers are refusing to carry weapons after the suspension of two colleagues. They are furious that an inquest jury ruled last week that unarmed Harry Stanley was unlawfully killed by two officers from the SO19 Armed Response Unit.

Ken Livingstone said that shootings like the Stanley case were rare. "I don't think anyone can describe our police as trigger-happy." Only "rare" and "I don't think" Ken. Let's have some statistics to support that statement.

Verminators

Sunday/Monday.

Panic over chaps. The Prague trip is fixed for next Sunday 07/11/04 to Thursday 11/11/04. The Hotel is booked for the same period.

All we need now are the invites to come flooding in for things to do.

There's a guy out there in webland who is doing his best to warn people about the evils of Prague. I give you an example...

"Certainly, at no time whatsoever should you cop an attitude with the locals, for any reason, at any time, no matter what. If someone doesn't like you and wants you to leave the bar, get out. If a group of rather large, suit-wearing gentlemen enter the bar with bulges at their sides and demand your table, or that you leave quietly, I'm going to go ahead and suggest that you readily comply.

"This is not America. People don't play games here with folks who have an attitude or a chip on their shoulder, and if the police arrive at all it will be simply to process the paperwork for your cold, dead body."

I think you'll find it's an arrangement that the UK Government has with Prague to decimate England's drunken yob population. The Suits with the bulges are known as Verminators......

I was confused by....."Do not under any circumstances whatsoever approach whomever is looking your way or you are asking for it".

What I ask, do you do if you are dying of thirst and he "whomever is looking your way or you are asking for it," happens to be the barman and you know that you are asking for it? Should you just walk away after you have asked for it or before you have asked for it? Sounds like a job for the Verminators whichever technique you choose.

Thanks for the advice David Showalter, I think I can see why you are an ex pat.

To the guy who posted about his mother - Keep her out of The Hole in the Ground tonight.....PLEASE or I might have to call up a Suit.