Monday, July 31, 2006

Bespoke Joinery

Track of the day Take the 'A' Train - Duke Ellington.

beware_golf_ballsIt's raining again so the risk of being struck by flying golf balls is minimal but halfway up the stairs we have a window. It's about eight feet high and four feet wide. It's made up of four coloured glass leaded panes.

This morning I investigated a crack that had opened up in the bottom frame. A quick poke with a chisel revealed a huge expanse of rotten wood under an ancient repair.

Further investigation revealed a mighty lump of mastic that had been used to replace a section of the frame before someone hid the bodge behind a couple of sections of cut down skirting board. No wonder the old boy who lived in the house before us wanted to sell.

We are definitely looking at a replacement window here and because we don't want the upvc variety, it'll have to be 'bespoke joinery'.

Bespoke joinery man has been and says he'll be in touch in a couple of days. He says we should get hold of a stained glass man to remove the panes. Sounds incredibly expensive to me!

Mrs B's gone off to give blood. Might be an idea to sell it from now on.


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Sunday, July 30, 2006

Most Afternoons After 5:00PM

Track of the day Moult - The Dreaming Tree.

message_marketThere's no catch. Just phone the number Milt. I'm there most afternoons after 5:00pm but only if you're energy efficient.





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Saturday, July 29, 2006

Look Appless

Track of the day Moult - The Dreaming Tree.

applessEverything on the stall had a sign that started with 'Look', so that's exactly what everyone did.

Yes, the market is a lot more interesting than the local supermarket. The fruit and vegetables are a lot cheaper and I can't buy appless in the local supermarket.

There's a larger version of the picture here.

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Friday, July 28, 2006

Enormous Knickers

Track of the day Distance - Nerve Engine.

jointThe search for new underpants took me to the local market this sunny morning. I was sidetracked by this poem spotted on a Royal Mail post box.

Did I find any stylishly loose underpants? No but I spotted some enormous knickers.
really_big_pants
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Thursday, July 27, 2006

Painfully Tight Underpants

Track of the day Distance - Nerve Engine.

fashion_4_lessEvery now and again I feel the need to replace an article of clothing. I set off full of good intentions and come back home with nothing.

One problem is that they stopped making the clothes that I like somewhere around 1980. The other problem is that Bogsville shops shut down without warning.

As a result, I am currently reduced to wearing a pair of worn out jeans, a denim shirt with a frayed collar, a pair of painfully tight underpants, odd socks and a pair of black shoes with expensively repaired leather soles.

You must be joking!
pants_4_less

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Exhibitionists

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

breasts_barI strolled along to the Hole in the Ground bar tonight only to discover that it had been taken over by exhibitionists.

I'm old enough to remember the days when it took more than a bent straw to get this sort of response from females. I guess the world has changed. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I just don't understand the change.

To whoever it may concern

Stop sending me the emails that start with -

Worried about your erection?
No - I'm not worried in the slightest. It's in safe hands.

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Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Wedding Anniversary

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

prepay_funeralTypical. It was our wedding anniversary yet again today and yet again I forgot all about it. Well it did take place a very long time ago.

Mrs B informed me that we have been married to me for 62% of her life and that I have been married to her for 58% of mine. I found that very hard to believe because it seems like a lot longer than 58% to me.

I did point out that as murderers serving life over here in the UK are eligible for parole after 15yrs, we have already served well over a double life sentence.

She reminded me where the door is.

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Monday, July 24, 2006

I Might Have To Get One

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

selfdrive_vwAs I see it, the problem with the VW learn the route and then drive it at 80mph car is that no one wants to drive from New York to San Francisco at three miles per hour just so that the car can then do the trip at 80mph on its own.

Having said that, it would be good to have a car that would deliver you to a pub that is miles away and then sit on the back seat while it drives you home at the end of the evening. I might have to get one.
RealPlayer link to story.
WindowsMedia link to story.
BBC Technology News Page

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Sunday, July 23, 2006

Intelligent VW

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

selfdrive_vwThe BBC news story about an 'intelligent' VW that can learn a route and then drive it from memory at speeds up to 80mph, is simply amazing.
However much the reporter and crew were paid to cover it, it wasn't enough.
RealPlayer link to story.
WindowsMedia link to story.
BBC Technology News Page

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Saturday, July 22, 2006

Sharing A Massage Session

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

massage_telford
Quite right too because there's nothing worse than nosy neighbours when you're stripped down to skin and bone and stretched out on a massage table.

I once went to see a massage expert who had rooms over an architect's office in a village just outside Bogsville. Keen to show willing I stripped off and climbed onto the massage table.

Through the window in front of me I could see treetops and the spire of the village church. It was all very relaxing and peaceful, rural even.

massage_telfordThen without warning a sea of grinning faces appeared outside the window and I was sharing my massage session with the whole top deck of a double-decker bus that had pulled up outside. At first I was only eyeballed by a guy wearing a baseball cap but it didn't take long for the word to get around and people were standing up to get a better view.

As far as I'm concerned, No neighbours is good but no bus stop outside would be better.

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Friday, July 21, 2006

YMCA

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

hanging_aroundSome young men used to stay at the Y-M-C-A. This young man seems to favour the P-O-S-T office.

I thought the girl's reaction was just a touch on the cruel side. Understandable but cruel.

pregnant_ladyBy 2:00pm yesterday the outside shade temperature was 33.4°C and the heavily pregnant were beginning to wish they'd planned for an early Spring birth but you don't think about that when you've had a good night out in November watching all those rockety things going up and down.

Anyway I like the sun. It makes a welcome change to see glowing flesh out on the streets but I'd better explain that.
A horse doctor's daughter once explained to me that ladies 'glow', gentlemen 'perspire' and that only pigs 'sweat'.
She also accused me of being an 'inverted snob'. Quite right too. You can't beat a spot of inversion. Wonder where she is now?

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Thursday, July 20, 2006

Fresh Healthy & Satisfying

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

satisfyingThere weren't too many customers at Bogsville's latest fast food outlet. I'm not quite sure how a woman with no arms was going to serve customers if they turned up in droves. I noticed that other food outlets employed friendlier looking staff. I notice things like that.

I also notice Mexican Sombrero shaped flower displays.blooming_sombreroAt the bottom right of this abysmal display was a notice that read 'sponsored by HSBC Bank'. I just thought it looked like a hat.

Luckily they put a big warning arrow in front of it, otherwise some idiot might have tried to drive straight through it.

Bogsville's ever changing artistic lighting display is visible just to its right. Sometimes it shows a very tasteful green light, as in the picture. Sometimes it's an angry red and if you hang around long enough it shows a rich amber.

Wait long enough and you may catch the red and amber lumens lit simultaneously. The lights are particularly impressive in the late evening when it is dark.


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Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Open The Hatch

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

The temperatures upstairs have been unbearable for the last week. Downstairs is fine. We keep the doors and windows closed but the heat collects upstairs. We don't have air conditioning.

This morning I opened the hatch into the roof space and the heat rushed past me up into the roof. End result, upstairs is now umpteen degrees cooler.

Why it's taken thirty years for us to work that one out beats me. Try it!

neverchange

Rocky from the Hole in the Ground bar has been sending off for viagra pills. I spotted him out on the prowl this morning. In his pre viagra days he had a soft spot for ladies who smoke. Not any more he doesn't.

It's now 5:00pm and the shade temperature outside has reached 33.5°C but upstairs it's far cooler than it's been for days. The roof hatch is staying open.


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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

30°C and rising

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

man_in_painThe guy in the waiting room looked like he was in pain. He was holding his head in one hand and his National Health sign on form in the other.

It seems that the little Chinese tooth ladies are signing up National Health patients from all the dentists who have opted out and only take private patients.

Outside, the temperature was 30°C and rising. A little man in a white coat was offering chips and hot drinks from a mobile stall. Obviously one of life's eternal optimists.

chips_tea_jpg

I hear the weather will be even hotter tomorrow. If the hot drinks guy is still there I'll suggest to him that he should buy in something cold.


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Monday, July 17, 2006

Local Man's Sausage

Track of the day - Once - Nerve Engine.

sausage_advertOn Fridays women from miles around queue up to admire the local meat man's sausage.

It is rumoured that his 16 varieties contain more than enough meat to satisfy all their needs.

bang_advertA would-be meat merchant seems to have set up a rival business outside the local library. I think that most people will stick to the 16 variety wiener man.

If anyone has realplayer and would like to visit Antigua here's a link to Antigua's Observer Radio.


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Sunday, July 16, 2006

Wi-Fi Internet Radio

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

AE_wi-fi_radioI used to sit in front of my computer trying to find jazz radio stations that didn't play tracks that you hear in lifts all over the world.

I'm sure Kenny G is a very nice guy but my heart sinks when I hear one of his tracks opening up as the lift doors close. As far as I'm concerned incarceration with Kenny G is a fate worse than death.

My 'burning bush' moment came when UPS man delivered the AE wi-fi internet radio. I connected it up, pressed the button, watched it log-on and listened as the whole world came to my armchair.

I've sat in the garden and listened to live cajun music from New Orleans Radio. Sorry the cajun's not on now. I've been to Zimbabwe, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Puerto Rico, Grenada, New York, San Francisco and so far no one has played a Kenny G track.

I guess they are all going up and down a lift shaft somewhere near you.

This has to be the most amateur 'expert view' presentation of all time. Don't give up the daytme jobs guys!


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Saturday, July 15, 2006

Two Sorts Of Common Blue

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

common_blue_butterflyThis little thing fluttered past my nose and settled on the yard.

I went off to find my camera and the butterfly was still sitting on a brick when I got back. I thought it was a common blue but it was a Small Blue, a Cupido Minimus. We don't see either of them round here so I took a picture of it to celebrate the event.

tattooed_common_blueWe do get Greater Blues in Bogsville but they are much larger and much less attractive. I bumped into this one in the city centre the other day and took a picture but not to celebrate the event.

As you can see, this one is a great female blue of the tattooed variety. The tattoo above the left bicep reads 'MUM'. I suspect that her knuckles were marked 'LEFT' and 'RIGHT'.

Bogsville Radio is currently tuned into Grenada Broadcasting FM.


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Friday, July 14, 2006

Orf To Bed

Track of the day Once - Nerve Engine.

sparkly_bikini_animated gifMrs B is back in Bogsville. I thought that life would be easier what with two of us to supervise Dog but he's peed himself once and has also managed to sit in his water bowl since she came home.

She also discovered that her prize African Violets have been eaten by five fat caterpillars while she was away. Then her laptop wouldn't connect to the wireless network so I've had to reinstall that.

Back three hours, I'm bloody exhausted and Dog is soaking wet again. I wouldn't mind but I gave him a bath this morning and it's taken all day to dry him out.

On a more serious note I'm now listening to i95.5FM from Trinidad and Tobago and Mrs B is phoning Scotland, probably planning her next getaway. No she's just announced that she's orf to bed. Well it is 8:56pm.


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Thursday, July 13, 2006

Chamonix San Francisco & Washrooms

Track of the day Cracklin' Rose - Neil Diamond.
Thursday is karaoke night at the Hole in the Ground bar so this track is for the prize prat who turns up at 10:15 every Thursday night and does Neil 'bloody' Diamond until everyone else goes home.

Thanks to my wi-fi radio I started the day off listening to Radio Mont Blanc and ended the afternoon in San Francisco with KCSM San Mateo There were also a few hours of test match cricket in between.

The sun was shining and the sky was an unusual clear blue for Bogsville so I lay on my back, closed my eyes and imagined being in France. Not quite the same as the real thing but it'll have to do for now.

The last time I listened to Radio Mont Blanc we were in Chamonix and the clouds went past the apartment block down at street level. If you leaned out of the window you could look down on the tops of them. If the clouds were big, you couldn't see anything at all.

baby_changing_washroomYesterday I found myself in a gents' washroom that was complete with a flower vase and a baby changing facility. It's a sign of the times.

Unfortunately no ladies with babies came in while I was in there but when I came out some battle scarred cleaning lady asked me if anyone else was in there and when I said no, she darted in with her accoutrements to mop up any mess I might have made in there. I had thought of peeing in the flower vase as a sort of protest but decided against it.

electric_dryer_washroomThey think of everything nowadays. Not only did they have a hand dryer but just to the left there was also a second dryer, much lower down the wall. I guess it's for guys who manage a stream powerful enough to bounce back off the urinal and soak their pants.

I don't think I've ever managed that myself but there have been odd occasions when I've forgotten to unzip first and they always manage to fix the taps so that the water shoots out all over the front of your shirt and pants when you wash your hands. Seemed like a great idea to me.


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Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Wi-Fi Internet Radio

Track of the day I Brake For Monster Booty - John Scofield - Uberjam.

wi-fi_internet_radioUPS man delivered a wi-fi internet radio today. Theoretically I now have the choice of 108 jazz radio networks and thousands of other wonderful things that I can feed wirelessly through the system downstairs.

If I can't find anything I want to listen to I can relay the MP3s from my hard drive through it but for some inexplicable reason I spent a large part of the afternoon listening to El Paso public service radio that seemed to be coming from a police car or ambulance. If anyone reading this listens to an interesting local radio station, please let me know the station name so that I can see if I can find it.

The window cleaner turned up this morning after a break of six weeks. We thought he'd fallen off his ladder but it transpires that he went to Egypt for a holiday and picked up some dire stomach disorder. That'll teach him to neglect our windows.

The washing machine is clogged with animal hair because Dog decided to pee his neoprene pants just as I was on my way out to see my little Chinese dentist lady and I had to sling loads of his bedding into the Bendix. He's lucky he didn't get slung in there too.

I'm not quite sure why I went to see Chinese dentist today. She chatted for a while and told me to make another two appointments. She really is very nice but it's a hell of a way to go just for a chat. Perhaps I should suggest lunch next time. It's amazing how lust brings out hidden masochistic tendencies in me.

Dog is now resting up in the shade under the pear tree, I've cleared the filter in the washing machine and the wi-fi internet radio is playing 'There's a Boat that's Leaving for New York' from the Miles Davis version of 'Porgy and Bess'. The sun is shining and all's well with the world - temporarily that is. I've even solved yesterday's mystery of "the man on the 'oss". I was quite right, the statue has been moved. It was moved in 1970 something. I really must try to get out more often.


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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Man On The 'Oss

Track of the day I Brake For Monster Booty - John Scofield - Uberjam.

horse_statueIn the centre of Bogsville there's a statue of a man on a horse. It's known locally as "the man on the 'oss" and as it's been there since 1866 there's no one in Bogsville who can remember the Square without it.

In need of human company, I found myself in the very heart of the city and realised that something was different. They'd moved "the man on the 'oss". He was no longer in the middle of the Square, the 'oss had somehow wandered over nearer to the shops.

"How dare they?" I said to myself and hurried into the nearby tourist information centre to complain.
A woman stopped tapping on her keyboard and came to offer me some of her information.
I launched right in.
"When did they move the statue?"
"Which statue do you mean?" she asked.
"The one right outside, the man on the horse,"
"I'm not sure," she said. "If you give me a few moments I'll go and look it up. I think it's been moved about three times but I'm not sure of the exact dates."
"I mean the last time it was moved. I don't want the exact date but it must have been in the last two months."
She shook her head. "Well I've been working here for eleven years and it's always been exactly where it is now. It hasn't moved while I've been here."
"Are you sure?" I said.
"Yes, quite sure. Have you been away a long time?"
"Yes, a very long time," I lied.
She nodded. "I thought so."
just_ask_gifI thanked her for her help and wandered out into the Square again. The 'oss glared down at me and snorted.

I'd already thought of another question to ask the lady in the Information Centre.


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