Empty Brassieres

Track of the day - Spinning Wheel - Long John Baldry.



There's something very sad about a pile of empty brassieres. Especially when you don't know where the owners are.
It did occur to me that the black bra would make a good nest box for a pair of great tits.


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Anything I can Get You?

Track of the day - Nice Work If You Can Get It - Bud Powell Trio.

The girl in the Bank wandered over to where I was waiting in line to get to the cash machine.
"Is there anything that I can get you while you're waiting?" she asked.
"A full English breakfast and a cup of coffee would be good," I replied.
She explained that she meant details of the financial services she could offer me. I pointed out to her that I did all my banking on-line.
"Don't you ever talk to anyone about it?"
I didn't bother to explain that a recluse hardly ever goes out of the house.
"Look," she said, "I'm not busy at the moment. You could come and talk to me if you like."
She was friendly so when I'd got my cash out of the machine, I went back to her and sat down.
She wanted to know all about my camera and my credit cards and explained why I should consider having one of her credit cards.
I sat there listening to her, all the while daydreaming about services that she could be offering me. Another credit card was way down on my list of priorities.
After a while I told her how much I'd enjoyed our chat and wandered off, out into the city square.



In front of me there was a large expanse of sandy desert where the pavement should have been.
There were two shovels parked in the sand but there was no sign of the workmen who had been using them. You could see their footprints in the sand but that was all.
I expect they'd gone for a full English breakfast or a chat with the lady in the Bank.
British workmen are like that.


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Spring Into Action

Track of the day - Jump Jive and Wail - Brian Setzer Orchestra.



I stood for ten minutes, watching the recumbent figure in the window, waiting for it to 'spring into action'.
Absolutely nothing happened.


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Red Dog Boots

Track of the day - Walking the Dog - Rufus Thomas.



This little dog was out walking in a local park this morning when I spotted him.
I was greatly impressed by his red boots.
The boots turned out to be bandages. He'd had his dew claws removed.
It didn't seem to have bothered him very much and he had got a very smart pair of 'boots' out of the deal.
I forgot to ask what had happened to his tail.

St. George & The Tortoise

Track of the day - Beep Beep - The Playmates.



At over £43 an inch, this is a seriously expensive little beast, even if it comes 'complete with all equipment' and 'can deliver'.
I would go for a three year old Spider with a 3.0 litre V6 engine.
Costs about the same per inch, carries a passenger, the acceleration is far superior and it doesn't hibernate in Winter.

Today is St. George's Day
and we certainly know how to celebrate St George's Day here in Bogsville.

At lunchtime a brass band will be playing traditional music in the city square.
Some exhibitionist promises to give his vintage organ an airing at 11.00am and this will be followed appropriately enough by a free sausage handout.
Anyone who fails to get a free sausage or a flash of the vintage organ might strike it lucky when a hundred red roses are dished out.
The high point of the day comes when the Mayor throws an indoor street party in his parlour at £7 a head.
He obviously doesn't expect too many people to turn up but as St George is also the patron of leprosy, plague and syphilis sufferers, that's hardly surprising.

Losers

Track of the day - Loser - Lifescreen.



"Sorry for the delay sir but we decided to dig another interesting hole in the road. That's why someone's rigged up the temporary traffic lights."
I decided to get a picture of the ensuing traffic chaos and the rising clouds of exhaust fumes.

Up above my head the Bogsville buzzard circled, hoping for some rich pickings when I got knocked down by the Renault.

Of Arses And Pubic Hair

Track of the day - Who Let The Dogs Out? - Anselm Douglas.



You can usually tell a lot about a driver from a personalised number plate.
This plate was being driven around by a young lady who I assume is named Nat.
I wonder if she also has a big arse?
Perhaps someone will tip her off and she'll let me know.

UK Smoking Ban

Seems like it's not just the bars in the UK that are introducing outdoor areas to accommodate smokers.
Enterprising Bogsville hair salons have jumped on the bandwagon.
It helps keep the salon floor free of hair and it's good for the wildlife too.
Little birds pick up the freshly shorn tresses and use them to line their nests.
Judging by what this wren has got hanging out of its beak, someone had just paid for a pubic hair trim.
If I'd got there a bit earlier I could have recorded the whole event for posterity.
As it is, posterity will have to make do with a picture of the wren and its beak full of pubic hair.

The Diet

Track of the day - Dry Bones - The Mills Brothers.



The guy next door's diet seems to be going well.

The Tits Are Back

Track of the day - Whoooeee! - Zoot Sims & Bob Brookmeyer.

The car park was full of 4X4's when I went along to use the hole in the wall cash machine. There was a sign for bicycle parking but I couldn't see how anyone could get a bike into the bin they provided - unless it was a very small bicycle.
When I got back home there were grey tits in the tree at the top of next door's garden again. I notice little things like that.

It's the warm weather that brings them out.
For some reason they disappeared as soon as they spotted the camera.

There's a smallish pile of grey hair on the floor in the local barber shop. It used to be mine. I requested a major prune but ended up with the usual light trim.
I don't think I'll be seeing the hedgehog again. He must have wandered off to the end of the road where he ran into a car and ended up in a mangled heap on the pavement. Sad really because I'd just put a bowl of water out for him.

On Safari

Track of the day - African Waltz - Johnny Dankworth Orchestra.



"What's this a boot scraper at the side of the greenhouse door?
What on earth possessed the woman to waste her money on one of those?"
I couldn't ask anyone because I was on safari in the back yard again while Mrs B was somewhere else doing incredibly mundane things like shopping, baking, washing and weeding. No she wasn't weeding because if she was I would have been able to question her about this pointless purchase.
Sometimes I think we should get a Swedish au pair so that I can talk to someone.
I was pondering on all this when I noticed that the bristly boot scraper appeared to be breathing.
The little bogger was alive and having a snooze in the sun. I interrupted my safari and went back down to the house.
Mrs B interrupted her baking and hurried to the greenhouse to investigate.
By the time she got there the hedgehog had gone.
By the time she got back to the house her scones had disappeared too. Must have been the hedgehog - or the au pair.

Rear End Shunt On Green Route

Track of the day - Bye Bye Blackbird - Pete Fountain.

I watched these two beetling off on a journey to somewhere or other. The one at the front kept going for a while and then executed a perfect emergency stop.
The one at the back couldn't have had his brakes seen to since last year's major service and the end result was another major pile up on Bogsville's green route.
It's possible that the little bogger at the back might have had his mind set on early morning sex. Well it beats a day devouring aphids, even if you're a bug.

This picture of a moonerduck reminds me that I had a mail from some old coot who said yesterday's piece about yellow jacketed constables being an endangered species was a load of crap.
It seems that there is no shortage of yellow jacketed constables it's just that they are so tied up with red tape they can't get out off the station to patrol the streets.
Personally I can't wait to get a yellow jacketed constable complete with red tape trimmings in front of my lens.
The red tape must be an important part of the courtship display.
I bet the males have the red tape trim while the females make do with the more muted yellow and black as shown in yesterday's picture.
Local Labour MP John Spellar came up with a solution to the problem.
"We've got to make the paperwork simpler so we have the police out there" on the job.
The question is, does he really mean 'simpler' as in 'dumbed down'or does he mean less paperwork? I suspect a crash course in reading and writing might help.

Which gets me back, indirectly, to the aforementioned pile up on the green route.
Much as I feared, the rear end shunt turned out to be lust driven and nothing more than the prelude to another shameless open air bonking session.
Needless to say there were no yellow jacketed constables to observe it.
I suspect they had strolled off to the RSPB nature reserve to sort out complaints about the moonerduck.

RSPB Safe Haven For Rare Species

Track of the day - Cop Cut - Duke Ellington
featuring Paul Gonsalves.



We pottered off to a local RSPB nature reserve where we were lucky enough to spot two very rare yellow jacketed constables.
The species is all but extinct round Bogsville and we no longer hear its distinctive cry,
"'Ello 'ello 'ello. What's all this then?"
It's good to know that the RSPB is doing what it can to provide a safe environment for constables.

Once established on the reserve it is hoped the yellow jacketed constables will become a successful breeding pair so that the species will again become a common sight in the UK.



And here was I thinking that the seeds and nuts were for consumption by wild birds. People in Bogsville will try to eat just about anything.

Mustachioed Tit

Track of the day yet again - English Country Garden - Jimmie Rodgers.



Bogsville tits are different. This one has grown an impressive handlebar moustache. The photograph is possibly the only one ever taken of that rare phenomenon the Bogsville mustachioed tit.

Birds And Bees

Still track of the day - English Country Garden - Jimmie Rodgers.



This bee made me think of hummingbirds.
So there I was just sitting there thinking about birds and bees and stuff when I suddenly realised that something big was up above me in the sky, circling around looking for its breakfast.
It was the Bogsville buzzard. I decided to give it a big wave just to let it know that I wasn't ready for the plate just yet.



If I were a Roman Emperor who believed in omens, I'd be very worried right now.

A Spring Morning

Track of the day - English Country Garden - Jimmie Rodgers.



It was a warm Spring morning so I wandered off into the countryside with my camera.
There were signs that others had been there before me.

Passive Smoking

Track of the day - She's Got Bette Davis Eyes - Kim Carnes.



Passive smoking 1942 style. I know it looks strange but the guy was staring into Bette Davis's Eyes at the time. I guess that explains why he forgot to light the cigarettes.
Paul Henreid and the back of Bette Davis's head from the 1942 Oscar winning film 'Now, Voyager'.
Although the film won Max Steiner the oscar for best music score, I would have given it to Paul Henreid for services to smokers and lovers of Bette Davis everywhere.
The shot is all the more impressive because he wasn't using tipped cigarettes and as any smoker knows, untipped cigarettes have a nasty habit of sticking to your lips and then ripping the skin off, which is why you shouldn't try this at home unless you are wearing lipstick.