Homebirths & A Thigh Toner

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

All this stuff in the newspapers about MP expenses has got me thinking. I'll become an MP for Bogsville, then I'll be able to get some expensive hi-fi gear, a new bed and a glittery toilet seat, courtesy of the tax-payer on my expenses.

These presents essentials would be much appreciated as it's my birthday tomorrow.

Strangely enough I don't remember my actual birth day but I was told it was one of those, "Hot water and plenty of it!" midwife, homebirths, that all the celebrities are going in for these days.

Pa didn't turn up for the birth. He didn't turn up for any of my birthdays until I was five.

When he did turn up I went and hid under a table and, metaphorically speaking, I've been under there ever since.

1 in 5 people

1 in every 5 people in the world is Chinese so, as there are 5 people in Mrs B's family, one of them must be Chinese.

It definitely isn't Mrs B so it's got to be either her mother or her father, her older brother Booger or her other brother Wun-Hung-Low.

We're pretty sure it's Booger.

Thigh Toner

When Mrs B finally got back from Leeds she brought in a "Thigh Toner". It's like a big, bright blue, butterfly clip and is guaranteed to give you thighs that can squeeze the juice out of lemons or crush nuts.

It's going straight in the bin. At my age I can do without presents like that.