Pensioner Poppers At Glastonbury

Track of the day - All Over Bar The Shouting - Prince Edward Island.

Bogsville must have been the wettest place in Britain yesterday. Play on the centre court was washed out as was the local 'Bury A Rockstar Festival' or BARF as it's known round here.
Just as well because there weren't any old rockstars available, what with recent events in California and the preposterous preponderance of pensioner poppers booked into Glastonbury.

Driven indoors by the deluge I sat, barf bag at the ready, watching the BBC's red button coverage of Crosby, Stills and Nash, Status Quo, Spinal Tap, Tony Christie, Tom Jones and Neil Young and decided that people must flock to Glastonbury because it's Glastonbury rather than to enjoy the music.

I suspect that you can hear better live bands at Butlin's.

Perhaps they'll invite Sir Cliff to next year's do now that there's a roof on Centre Court at Wimbledon.

Michael Jackson Has Died

Track of the day - All Over Bar The Shouting - Prince Edward Island.

This little duck is a nestling Coot. Unlike adult coots that are renowned for their baldness, the nestlings have a full head of very colourful hair. I'm going to request a coot style hairdo next time I visit 'the mad barber'.

The Best For Less

The helpful service people at Volvo sent me a letter this morning advertising their 'Essential Service' costing 'Only £150'.

As far as I can see, their 'Essential Service' is an Oil and Filter replacement and the Adjustment of parking brake shoes and lever. If I really want value for money they'll add an MOT test to the package for 'Only £179.99'.
Sorry Volvo, your offer stinks.

Breaking News

Michael Jackson has died.

Traditional Country Pastimes

Track of the day - All Over Bar The Shouting - Prince Edward Island.

The sun shone and a record 52,000 flocked to the country seat of the Earl and Countess of Bogsville to enjoy all the traditional pastimes that country people love best.

How Green Is That?

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

The milkman delivered our milk at 03.15am this morning. I know this for a fact because I overheated in bed, got up to cool off and watched him deliver it.
His electric float appeared from nowhere then he ran up and down the driveways delivering pints of milk and collecting the empty bottles, before running back to the float and disappeared round the corner to finish his round. "How green is that?" I thought to myself and went back to bed.

I hate to think what time he started work but he had to load the milk onto the float before he started the delivery round so it must have been early.
I'll have to ask him when he comes back this afternoon to collect the money.

The first milk deliveries that I can remember were made by a guy with a horse and cart. The horse had a feed bag hung round its head. Straw went in at one end and brown stuff dropped out of the other.
Old man Inscoe who lived opposite us used to rush out and follow the horse along the road collecting the steaming piles of brown stuff in a bucket.

I thought he was just cleaning up but Ma said the brown stuff was called manure and that old man Inscoe was going to put it on his rhubarb.
I asked Pa why he didn't put manure on his rhubarb. He said he preferred custard.

At some point in history the dairy replaced the horses with electric milk floats and they've been using them ever since. I don't know what happened to the horses but I don't think battery acid is much good on rhubarb.

Dogs Are More Useful Than Hearing Aids

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

Imagine my surprise when I spotted this helpful little booklet on a chair in the kitchen this morning. I know that I'm not getting any younger and that I'm not very tall for my age but even so.

Yesterday my hearing aids were retubed, rebalanced and the default volume turned down a couple of notches. The shouty young ear doctor man told me to wear both the aids all day, every day for a month, so that my brain gets used to hearing the world the way that it is supposed to sound. He EXPLAINED that by taking the hearing aids out I'm just confusing my brain.
All the staff at the ear hospital shout.
I think it probably has something to do with them only dealing with deaf people.
The posters on the walls tell you to speak clearly and not to shout but the doctors and nurses all shout anyway.
Perhaps they can't read.

Today found me sitting in the sun, my confused brain bombarded from all sides by the deafening cacophony of bird screech and traffic roar that is, according to the ear doctor, what you people with normal hearing experience every day.

Sitting in the garden it seemed to me that I might just as well be sitting on the central reservation of a motorway.
Compared to this auditory hell, my tinnitus masked, virtually soundless, everyday world is a haven of peace and quiet.

How does a hospital guy with perfect hearing know what living with my tinnitus is like?
He doesn't. He might think that he does but he doesn't.
It makes about as much sense as a male gynecologist explaining to a pregnant woman what childbirth is like.

Anyway - after two hours of listening to the world through two hearing aids I'd had enough and ripped the aid out of my right ear. As a result I missed the delivery man when he came to the door. Luckily dog alerted me to the fact that there was an intruder and I was able to wave him down before he disappeared.
In my opinion dogs are more useful than hearing aids and far better company.
The care home brochure is going in the shredder.

Prince Edward Island New Release

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

The week ended well here in Bogsville. The long lost thousandth piece of the jigsaw turned up under my chair in the back room. Mrs B took time off from Helping the Aged to run the vacuum cleaner round and found the little bogger.

The vacuum cleaner came out because we had young people staying for a couple of days. Well you have to set an example when young people come to stay. I even got both my hearing aids out and inserted them in the appropriate place but still couldn't hear what anyone said. For all the good they did I might just as well have stuck them in my a**. I'm off for a retube tomorrow.

Love Song Trilogy

The band known as Prince Edward Island have a new release on their myspace page. It's entitled Let's Stay In And Go To Town and opens up with the inspired line "The ash tray's overflowin'".

It's billed as part two of their Love Song Trilogy or the flip side of Sex In The Morning - "I'm coughin' you're yawnin'" that I've been plugging for weeks now at the top of the page.

If you are over 23, I insist that you go to their page and enjoy the lyrics of all their offerings. The band deserves global recognition.

I should know - I'm an expert on such matters and am gagging to hear the final part of the Trilogy.

Nasser Hussain A Joke

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

Oh dear again! England must have left the attitude notice on the wall at the Oval. This evening's seven wicket defeat at Nottingham by South Africa suggests that either the players' mental attitude was a wee bitty off or that mental attitude is no substitute for genuine ability.

I just wish that someone at Sky would get Nasser "Will he dare to play the reverse sweep shot?" Hussain out of the commentary box. The guy might have been England cricket captain but as a commentator he is a joke.

Go North Festival Inverness

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

The band known as Prince Edward Island perform live tonight as part of the Go North festival in Inverness.
So if you happen to be in Inverness rather than Bogsville or anywhere else...

The Secret Of T20 World Cup Success

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

Here's the secret of the England cricket team's success against Pakistan.
The notice on the changing room wall reads - Nothing on Earth can stop the man with the right mental attitude from reaching his goal, nothing on Earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.
The guy on the right of the picture obviously had the wrong mental attitude - he didn't even get to play in the match.

While the England team relied on attitude to see them through against Pakistan at the Oval, the Sri Lankan team used duvets to keep them warm enough to dump the Australians out of the ICC T20 World Cup at Nottingham.

Cricket Cap & Tit

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

I think that this fine new cricket cap complete with maker's tag belongs to West Indian cricketer David Eddison Bernard Jnr.
He was wearing it during Wednesday's World Cup warm-up match against England at Lord's. I'm not sure whether leaving the tag on the cap is a style thingy or just an indication that he was required to give the cap back after the match.



Netherlands 1 England 0.
Oh dear!

Baby birds have started turning up for breakfast, lunch and evening meal. This one's a blue tit.
He was quite capable of feeding himself but when someone else will feed you why bother?

Sneezing Ladies

Track of the day - Sex In The Morning - Prince Edward Island.

You should never underestimate the power of the human sneeze or, come to that, overestimate the strength of fasteners on close fitting clothing.

Last night in search of sneezing ladies wearing close fitting summer clothing, I wandered along to the Hole in the Ground bar. My first visit this year.
Outside was a large sign announcing the New Indian Kitchen. I wasn't aware that there had been an old Indian Kitchen. Must have been after the smoking ban came into force.

There were no ladies at all in the pub, just four old men watching adverts on a big screen TV. I should have left right there and then.

"Sorry we're out of this and out of that," the manager said. "We have got Carlsberg," he said pointing at a pull clearly marked ice cold Bulmers.
On the front of the pull someone had stuck a piece of paper. The biro written message on it read Carlsbug.
I asked for Carlsbug.

"I haven't seen you for a long time," he said.
"No one's seen me for a long time," I replied, "and it'll probably be a long time before any one sees me again."

He explained that there was very little to drink in the pub because he no longer orders the drinks.
The owner's son places the orders.
As neither the owner nor his son does a regular stock check or works in the pub...
Exactly.
Yet another pub with no beer which is just what you don't want when Bogsville's Summer has been crammed into the last three days and nights.
I drank two pints of Carlsbug then the Carlsbug ran out. So did I.